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I need some advise regarding non paying ex

(9 Posts)
WindintheWillows1979 Sat 09-Jan-16 01:17:42

DD is 6 and l split with ex when she was 1 he then didn't see her till she was 2 1/2. He has been seeing her regularly only for the last 3 years.
Ex has DD once a fortnight on a Friday. I drive her there and pick her up she used to stay two nights but didn't like it so now it's one night. When she is there I go to work.
He worked when we was together and when we split he was paying minimum CSA which he was angry about. Not long after that he claimed Incapasity Benefit (lazyitus) and I got £6 a fortnight. Woop. Just over 2 years ago his money was stopped as he was found fit for work and he then found a nice older, divorced, working, driving woman with own house and moved himself in and married her within a year. I can only presume she paid for the wedding. She also has 3 children 2 are grown men which live at home still and a teenage daughter and presume but don't know she gets maintenance from her XH as he is a normal man.
I am respectful to them both always text him with events going on at school latest being the Christmas play he didn't show up too which had my daughter in tears ? I feel why do I bother ? But I do bother And I do that so she sees her Dad.
So now I know it will rock the boat if I bring up the subject of money because CSA have wiped what he owes me saying he doesn't claim or work and I would have to pay to keep the case open ? There is nothing I can claim after all? He continues to pretend to have a back problem whilst his wife gets him scanned privately to try and find the cause of his pain yet everything keeps coming back normal ? Funny that !
I am angry and resentful and can tell that he will cop out of anything if given the opportunity. The reason my DD doesn't like going there is because she never goes anywhere or does anything and is bored. I offered him every Friday he said stick to once a fortnight. I have let him have her for half of every Christmas Day for the last 3 years. I just really fucking resent him right now.
Perhaps I should write a letter I just don't know what to do but feel like I'm being really shitted on from a great height angry I also don't like the amount of men in that house when she stays as well as the 2 grown sons who I don't know but at least they drive and have jobs ! The teen girl has a boyfriend there a lot too and she said she had been playing snakes and ladders with him it's just setting alarm bells off all over the place. I don't trust him to take care of her. Perhaps I'm being irrational but I hate leaving her there. Please any advise would be so gratefully received.

Fourormore Sun 10-Jan-16 09:04:37

If he isn't earning anything, then you'd be hard pressed to get any money out of him. He clearly isn't going to pay of his own accord and the CMS won't take money he hasn't earned. I believe there is some route of going to a tribunal if a NRP is living off a rich spouse but I can't imagine it's an easy route to go down.

With regards the men in the house, yes, I think you are being irrational. Why would playing snakes and ladders set off alarm bells?

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 10-Jan-16 09:21:14

It is really hard to leave your child elsewhere, particular where she seems to have fun in a family atmosphere. But these are not unconnected individuals hanging about the house they are all part of the wider family group.
It does sound like your DD is building a relationship with other members of the family rather than her father, but that it is his look out.
Money and contact are separate as they should be, so whilst it is galling that he pays you no maintenance it does not affect his contact. What you could suggest is that you only do half the travelling either one entire journey or meeting halfway on both journeys - this would not be unreasonable and would slightly reduce the financial burden to you.

AdrianlovesPandora Sun 10-Jan-16 10:18:26

Hi thanks for the responses it's good to know others think I'm being irrational. The game playing thing is because of my own personal experience as a child when abuse took place. I wonder why non related males are taking an interest and when she said they had been playing games it filled me with fear. So that is why but I just wanted to make sure it was me being irrational and not an actual realistic fear. I've calmed down a little about the financial thing I am used to going it alone as I have older DD too and it's the same thing.

AdrianlovesPandora Sun 10-Jan-16 10:25:03

Oh and also she nearly always says she doesn't want to go which is why I have cut it down to one night instead of two. The only time she wanted to stay an extra night was because the teens boyfriend was playing games with her which is really what her father could do to make her want to visit. She seems kind of happy on pick up off drop off but as I said always says she doesn't want to go saying she gets bored there. I had a short discussion about this with him saying she gets bored easy not going out at all he said it was because he had no money. But there has been times he promises to take her to a field and fly a kite and just doesn't bother which gets her really upset and she doesn't forget. Parks are free woods are free I don't understand why he can't find it within him to do stuff with her and she says he is always on the X box. I suggested he have her every Friday night so it would be one night a week instead of two nights a fortnight. He said no stick to once a fortnight.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster Sun 10-Jan-16 10:30:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdrianlovesPandora Sun 10-Jan-16 11:03:53

Yes I think his wife is a very nice lady and I'm feeling way more reassured. I would be so pleased for her if she really wanted to spend time with there with enthusiasm like she does when she's going to stay at the grans for example. The odd Saturday night where I can spend extra time with my daughter or have the option to go out was also quite nice before but I've lost that now and when he does have her in working so there's nothing I would want more then for him to have her on a regular basis for her to have a relationship with her dad. The problem I'm having is that she doesn't want to go and I have to encourage her I also never say anything bad about him in front of her I'm always positive about her dad. The positives about what he has done is they have partition part of the hallway to make a small bedroom for her it's a small room doesn't have a window but they painted it nice with flowers so she does have a little space there of her own and she says sometimes he leaves presents on the bed for her which I think is nice. They have all clothes there for her. And I do think he does love his daughter very much it's just the motivation and enthusiasm I think as in if he can get out of doing something it seems like he will. He also has two other sons spread about that he doesn't pay anything for or see. I only found out about one of them after the relationship ended. I guess just writing this out is help me put things into perspective on what's important so thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to me.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 10-Jan-16 11:08:26

The 'I don't want to go' can be very complex, it can be she doesn't want to go, it can be I feel guilty about leaving you, it can be I want to make a fuss and have everyone fuss over me. My DD did this and would get me to row with her about going. In the end I refused to her engage told her she had to talk to her Dad about it. So she said it to him, he walked away. Later distraught child she had wanted to go, but she felt guilty about leaving me and for a variety of reasons she wanted her Dad to prove he wanted her to go.

AdrianlovesPandora Sun 10-Jan-16 11:50:26

Ok that's a really interesting perspective and could well be what's going on Thankyou. In my heart I think if her sister was going with her she would be fine about going so I had wondered did she feel she was missing out on one on one time with me. In recent time she also took a backward step going to school. She is now in year 2 and in the last 6 months started crying every morning not wanting to leave me and go in but once she is there she is fine. If I take her to early morning club she is happy to go in as she can play with other children which is the distraction. So my thinking is somehow she is over bonded with me and that maybe in the issue here ??? Not sure what to do about that ?

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