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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Accommodating Grandparents?

12 replies

leannarose5 · 05/01/2016 21:42

Basically I have offered ex for our 16m old every other weekend and he is welcome to come over and visit here in the week. He wants to have her Saturday through til Monday every other week because he doesn't want to come over for his evening in the week. However, he works Monday's so it would be his mum who has her all day. He would come home from work and drop her off with me 2 hours later. This would mean on that week I would only get to spend one day with my daughter. When I suggested the evening a week he said 'well that is so my mum can see her'

Am I right in thinking it is his responsibility to take her to see his mum when it is his weekend with her, and I should not be expected to accommodate her within our access agreement?

If anyone can help, I'm treading on egg shells at the moment because he can be so rude when we discuss things face to face yet the complete opposite when we discuss things via message (when there's a record) ... I worry he knows exactly what he's doing and want to word my responses in the right way. He also wants a solicitor to witness our access agreement? I've never prevented access or said no to him seeing her, so I've no idea where this is all coming from. He is the one who doesn't make much effort

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Sunbeam1112 · 05/01/2016 22:51

His access its up to him to take your dc to see her not just leave your DC to have access with grandmother. Thats an arrangement that if you wanted should be seperate to his access between u and his mother.

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TheTigerIsOut · 06/01/2016 17:53

So he is having her Saturday night, Sunday night, and Monday during the day, every other weekend, right?

I really don't see how that means you are only seeing her one day on that week. Wouldn't that be 2 nights out of 14?

Frankly, grandparents can be a blessing if they are a positive influence in their grandchildren's lives. Personally, my MIL is an arse but she loves DS dearly, and cares for him far more than his dad. So, I probably would feel more reasured to know that the grandmother is in charge rather than my selfish ex.

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N0More314 · 06/01/2016 18:03

so basically, it's every other weekend but from saturday to monday rather than friday to sunday?

I would agree to it and call his bluff, say, yes, let's get that formalised.

Without 'inflaming' the situation I would make it clear that you will trust him to figure out and not bother you relentlessly with changes of plan who between he and his mother will have your dd.

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 06/01/2016 18:03

Don't be so mean OP. Unless there are things you haven't told us, its in everyone's interests for DD to see as much of her Dad and his family as possible.
If exh drops DD off on Monday evening, how does that mean you only get one evening with dd that week?
And how do you think exh feels, he sees dd a lot less than you do by the sound of it.

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N0More314 · 06/01/2016 18:06

Cut her some slack. She says she's walking on egg shells. He's rude to her. (ie, angry with her) He has his mother on board and I know what it is like to feel that there's a united force against you.

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 06/01/2016 18:10

I'm just asking her to put herself in her ex's shoes. It must really suck to be the non resident parent, and is probably even worse if you are the parents of the non resident parent (ie the grandparents)

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leannarose5 · 06/01/2016 22:00

Sorry. I completely failed to mention I work 4 days so Monday, Thursday and Saturday are my only days off.

I agree it is in her best interest, hence why i suggested we set up an access agreement (he was quite happy to text whenever he felt like it and ask to have her, for about 3 months this has been probably maximum once a fortnight, if not less)... He has brushed off what I've said and then CMS called him and now he wants this agreement setting up. As I said, I have never prevented access, so his not seeing her as much as I do is down to him.

It just seems a bit unfair that he has made barely any effort and now wants to make demands. If it meant losing a day so he could see her then yes I would understand, but it would be a day when he wouldn't be home until about 6/7. She would be back home for bed at 8 and he lives a 45 minute drive away. He isn't really going to lose out on any time with her.

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TheTigerIsOut · 07/01/2016 00:02

That changes things, a bit. I think you should insist for him to have her from Friday afternoon [after he finishes work) to Sunday night. Or for his mum to babysit on one if the days that you are working. Or even better, can you swap your days so you work Mondays.

Is he living with his mum? It is not fair that he wants to have your DD on your day off. Having said that many divorced parents do not have the luxury of a day off with the children and we survive. Actually, I would go as far as saying that having a morning off parental duties was a blessing in terms of having me time, go to the supermarket and prepare for a heavy working week (in terms of dealing with the house chores so I could be free and relaxed when DS was at home)

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 08/01/2016 12:28

that does change things, but I think you should be pleased that he wants DD to spend more time than she has previously had with him and his family. Time spent with grandparents is equally as valuable as time with a child's father IMO.

Are you able to sit down amicably with him and work out a good routine that fits round both your schedules as best as it possibly can? Ask someone neutral along to facilitate and mediate the conversation if it would help.

Remember that DD's interests are paramount, and she needs time with both parents and all of her grandparents. It's not about who wins the argument out of you and EXH.

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cestlavielife · 08/01/2016 23:44

Do you work 24 hour shifts or do you see dd at end of your working day ?
Most working parents have to not see thir dc during day but do enjoy the couple hours before bed. Look at time over a four week schedule so it's fifty fifty. If some of his fifty is spent with grandma that's fine .

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leannarose5 · 09/01/2016 02:09

No I dont, but I really don't get much time with her on my working days. Tuesday i pick her up from nursery at 6 and she is in bed for 7. Same applies for Friday. Wednesday I am at college all day until 3, and leave for work at 4 and don't get back until 10. I also work Thursday nights. So the 3 days I do currently have with her really are precious. I am OK to give up the Saturdays because it is to spend time with her father.

I can't change my work hours unfortunately, however even if I could, when ex and I were together she did 2 days childcare and let me down on several occasions - don't get me wrong it wasn't her fault. I am well aware that using grandparents for childcare comes with these risks. She just has a lot on. I honestly dont think she wants a set responsibility. Judging from the way she was when she was helping us out, she just wants to see her granddaughter when is convenient for her - which I don't blame her for as she has no responsibilities to our child.

I really don't want to cut out any time he gets to spend with her. Which is why I think Friday - Sunday (so still 2 overnights) and an evening in the week (so just like he would see her Monday when he got in from work). Plus I have said he is welcome to have her on the Sunday the weeks he hasn't already got her all weekend. He stays between his mothers and sisters when he has LO because his house is totally not baby friendly, so they do get to see her.

Since posting I have had an informal chat with a friends husband who is a family lawyer. He has said under the circumstances that he hasn't really made any effort for the last 3 months, that he would be lucky if any court granted overnights at such a young age. I am not saying I'm not going to offer overnights as I do trust him and I know she knows him and his family. But it has made me feel a little better that what I am suggesting is reasonable.

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leannarose5 · 09/01/2016 02:17

Sorry, posted too soon!

MrsLeigh meant to add that at the moment we haven't really ever been able to come to an agreement when face to face. I really want this to all be amicable but last time we met up he was so rude to me when I first suggested setting up a set access agreement. He is always nice via message or in front of people though. I am tempted to invite him over here (I live with my parents) and just tell him to come a little earlier when he picks up LO to discuss. Not so my parents can listen in, I just think (hope) there would be less chance of him being so rude and nasty when my family are in the same house.