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A mother without her child

(31 Posts)
PhoenixFlies Fri 01-Jan-16 23:25:13

I don't know if this belongs in here but I need to start somewhere...

Please forgive the self pity but I am in a great deal of pain.

I recently left my husband who is now applying for a divorce. My 5 yr old son remained with his dad as I am unable to support him either emotionally or financially. I know this is what is best for him but as a mother, the decision is killing me. He is my only child and I miss him so much that I don't know if I go on without him. I carried him and my life changed forever when he was born. He is my world and the biggest thing I am struggling with is guilt. I feel so incredibly guilty for abandoning him, particularly as I left 3 days before his 5th birthday.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation? What do I do? How can I rid myself of this guilt? I cannot live like this.

Hal

Bexpboro Sat 02-Jan-16 10:25:46

Your post really made me feel your pain. I'm a single mother of a 5 year old. When I left my abusive partner 2 years ago I was in a terrible place, I didn't think I could support my daughter and myself financially or emotionally either as I suffer with mental health issues 😕 But I surprised myself and I've done a wonderful job.
I was wondering when you made this decision? When did you leave? Do you have supportive friends & family?
Big hugs xx

PhoenixFlies Sat 02-Jan-16 10:52:15

I moved out of our family home in October half term 2015. It's all so raw. Unfortunately I was badly betrayed by both a friend and a family member at the time so I have shut myself away into my own little bubble until I know who I can trust again.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 02-Jan-16 10:54:01

Do you have access?

PhoenixFlies Sat 02-Jan-16 10:54:35

Thankfully yes

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 02-Jan-16 10:56:22

Well that's something. I guess you work o. Rebuilding yourself and your life, then hopefully, build up the access in line with his life ( assume he's in school)

MaisieDotes Sat 02-Jan-16 10:56:44

Please arrange and consistently turn up for as much access as you and your ex can agree to.

Your little boy needs to have you in his life.

I hope you can get through this difficult time flowers

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 02-Jan-16 10:58:27

If being without him is so painful for you then don't be without him.

If you do not have a job you will be entitled to benefits and you will get child maintenance from thr father.

If you have mental health issues then go to ypur gp/crisis team and speak to them re. meds/therapy.

Penfold007 Sat 02-Jan-16 11:00:52

OP your child deserves to be emotionally and financially supported by both parents. You should see him even if it's only for a few hours, he deserves regular reliable contact. You also need to regularly contribute something, even £5 a week.
Seek the help you need but don't just abandon your child.

PhoenixFlies Sat 02-Jan-16 11:54:14

I am looking for support from other mothers whose ex-partner is the primary caregiver to their children.

My husband and his family have a lot of money. My son lives in a big house with all the toys and clothes he needs and will want for nothing. His father is a fantastic parent and I trust him without question. I only wish I could have been as a good a parent as he is.

I see my son at east once a week, sometime more. Childcare has been arranged informally, there was no need to go through the courts. I only wish I could rid myself of the feeling that I have abandoned them. I am not well, mentally and I cannot fight the feeling that a mother is not supposed to leave her children.

Bexpboro Sat 02-Jan-16 12:02:14

I'm wondering if you made the right decision or whether you made a decision based on how you were feeling mentally at the time. There is support for single mums, financial and emotional!! You can do it if you want to!! I did!! And Not many people thought I could!
Was your ex the main bread winner? Own the house etc? Do you work? Sorry for being nosy just trying to get an idea of how this situation come about and if it's really what you want xx

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 02-Jan-16 12:06:45

Hold on... Op can't just go in and take him back! You do know that? Please don't advise her to do that

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse Sat 02-Jan-16 12:07:05

what makes you think you werent a good parent??

Bexpboro Sat 02-Jan-16 12:12:15

Nobody is advising anyone to do anything! Just chatting & hopefully helping a mum in need ☺️

BrandNewAndImproved Sat 02-Jan-16 12:13:07

I think you've been shafted tbh op.

If you hadn't given up your status as the primary carer then you would have had a lot more options.

I would concentrate on seeing your dc as much as possible, getting a flat or a small house either rented or council and having the dc over as much as possible and talking about 50/50.

Epilepsyhelp Sat 02-Jan-16 12:16:06

Sometimes the child is better off with the father though bex

It sounds like you made the best and most unselfish choice you could for him OP, do not feel guilty, just work on feeling better and getting yourself healthier and happier. Just because he's with his dad now doesn't mean you won't be able to have shared care when you feel more able.

Bexpboro Sat 02-Jan-16 12:35:22

Epilepsyhelp - Agreed sometimes a child is better off with the father.

There are tons of fathers who are the main carers for their children. It's perfectly normal and mothers shouldn't feel guilty!!

PhoenixFlies Sat 02-Jan-16 12:49:54

For reasons I won't go into, I can promise you my son is better off with his dad.

Cel982 Sat 02-Jan-16 13:14:21

Phoenix, are you getting help for your mental health issues? Have you seen your GP or local psych team? Your priority now should be to get well again. It sounds like your son is in the best place for him at the moment, and that's great. Now you can concentrate on getting yourself well so you're able to look after him again.

PhoenixFlies Sat 02-Jan-16 15:32:45

Thanks for all your support. I have recently put in an application for some counselling which I hope will help. Just had a very long chat with his dad who has said he will never EVER stop me seeing our son and I believe him. I will now be spending the next two days with him. I knew Christmas and new year would be hard. I have to believe that things will get better.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Funinthesun15 Sat 02-Jan-16 16:03:39

I think you've been shafted tbh op

Why!? Just because the main carer is the father?

Fathers are perfectly capable of looking after their DC!

What a stupid statement!

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 02-Jan-16 16:26:23

I don't get this attitude that kids can only thrive when living with mum

The reality is the op won't automatically be 'entitled' to have her DC full time again. He can still thrive tho

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 02-Jan-16 17:18:09

Phoenix you are incredibly brave and have more strength than you give yourself credit for, putting what is best for your child before what makes you happy takes a tremendous amount of courage. You know that in the future you will be able to look your son in the eyes and say 'I put you first'. Have very largethanks and a big bar of chocolate.

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