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ex DP wants 50% residency

(13 Posts)
Lovelilies2 Tue 15-Dec-15 14:48:03

After whiterring on today over the phone (again) about how much he loves me and wants the family back together, I calmy said "no", just concentrate on sorting yourself out and being a dad.
Then he pipes up that he should have DS 50/50. DS is 23 months old. I've always been his primary carer apart from 2 days a week that I work (since DS was 13 months) when exp looks after him.
What are the chances he'll get 50/50? He works 3 days a week plus some extras and needs study time for exams. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my 10 year old DD in the past (as recent as November this year). Now he's been to a bit of counselling he thinks he's doing okay and we have a 'real chance, and that its a shame for our family to break up hmm.
I'm also 13 weeks pg and basically just had enough of his sh*t. He's made these promises and declarations in the past and gone back to step one.

starry0ne Tue 15-Dec-15 21:53:41

My guess is he doesn't want 50/50..It is part of the game...

If he is abusive then you need to reduce any form of communication..

I would ignore he request for 50/50..

LittlestLightOnTheTree Tue 15-Dec-15 22:14:50

Well what are you suggesting he should have then?

annandale Tue 15-Dec-15 22:21:31

My only experience of seeing a couple do 50/50 residency was that it works really, really well - much better than I thought it would. They have stayed living close to each other - not walking distance for little ones, but certainly walking distance now they are older. The pattern they have worked out is complicated, and initially it was only their 'first go' at what could happen, but it has stayed the same years later.

Lovelilies2 Wed 16-Dec-15 08:20:03

At the moment he has DS from tea time on weds til I get home from work on Friday (4pm) and same sat/sun. I'm still living in 'family home' until my own purchase goes through should be about 2 months from now and he's staying in one of his flats (he has 4 in total). He hasn't bothered managed to sort out the flat to make it safe/ comfortable for DS to be there with him so sleeps on the sofa when he's here.
That's enough for me.

Lovelilies2 Wed 16-Dec-15 08:20:35

I meant Thursday, not Friday.

Wolpertinger Wed 16-Dec-15 08:36:36

I would guess he's doing it to wind you up. However it will be v odd for your family if he has DS every weekend, DD not much as she's old enough to know he's a bastard and your new baby not much at all as it's a baby.

I know DS is little now but it will be pretty miserable for you in school years that you get all the school nights and he gets all the weekends - and DS never spends any time with his sibs at weekends.

Given ex DP is prone to being abusive, I'd suggest you ignore it too and make sure any agreement is done via court not informally as he is going to take the piss out of any informal agreement.

cestlavielife Wed 16-Dec-15 21:41:49

Ask him to define 50 % ie propose how it would work..which days. Etc . . if the schedule works then why not ?

Lovelilies2 Thu 17-Dec-15 08:22:44

For a start he hasn't anywhere to take him until my new house is ready, and I don't want him here 50% of the time!

He reckons 3 days a week, all together but DS doesn't like to be away from me for long, so it's not in his best interests.

I've told him if he's not happy with 2 days and 2 over nights a week he'll have to organise mediation.

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 17-Dec-15 12:43:26

I think you need to be slightly cautious of taking a dictatorial approach of my way or the high way particularly if you put it in writing. You both have the same responsibilities for your DS ( neither of you have any rights your DS has all the rights).
Yes 3 days in a row are unmanageable for your DS at the moment, but he currently spends two individual days a week with his Dad could you suggest working towards a third day a week, for example an extra morning a week for a period, then whole day etc. Then maybe building up to two of the days running together so a 48hr period and a single day and so on.
All the evidence shows that children do much better where parents are able to have a mutual arrangement that enables the child to have an equal quality relationship without both parents.

starry0ne Thu 17-Dec-15 17:53:59

It is all very pc on this site...This man has been verbally and emotionally abusive to OP and her 10 year old DD...Why would she want to give 50/50 care to this man? I certainly wouldn't....

cestlavielife Fri 18-Dec-15 17:48:15

op says DS is 23 months old and ex looks after him two days per week while she works..presumably that is going ok? it is not much more of a stretch to make that 3.5 days or whatever arrangement might be 3 days, 2.5 days whatever.

what is the ex proposing for dd 10? dd will have more say as is older and can give her views. .

cestlavielife Fri 18-Dec-15 17:52:11

I would not want to either but if it goes to court then court wont take that much account of the abuse unless it's witnessed/recorded/reported etc. if the abuse is "only" aimed at op and not at ds then court wont see reason why ds should not be with ex 50/50 - especially as ds already spending two days per week with him

cafacass/courts/ss do look on verbal arguments as being from both sides, that is reality... unless you can really prove otherwise. they will write that "mother and father argue/have a poor relationship/cannot communicate which is damaging for the dc" rather than "parent a is emotionally abusive to parent b"

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