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To all the lone mums - how do you manage financially?

(12 Posts)
Dinamit Fri 11-Dec-15 23:17:56

I have been with a verbally abusive man for 13 years. We have two children together, a 7-year old and a baby. He has always been volatile and has flared up once again with shouting, name calling and verbal abuse. The trigger: a messy house after I have been up all night woth the baby and had no time/energy to tidy up.

I really, really, really can't do this anymore and want him out, but he simply isn't going. I don't want my children to listen to this or think it is what a relationship should look like. I am ready to make a stand but I don't know how to make ends meet and that scares me. I will soon be going back to work, but after I pay for the nursery, I will have about £600pcm. That will just about pay for the mortgage and nothing else. The nursery also needs a months fees as a retainer and a month paid in advance, and I don't have that sort of money upfront. I don't want to leave my job as I love it and want to be good role model for the children and earn money to support them.

I am thinking that there must be a way - it can't be just the rich ladies who get separated - but I don't know where to turn. Unfortunately, I don't have family who could help, so I will be really on my own.

Any (practical) advice greatly appreciated - thank you.

Icandoanything Sat 12-Dec-15 01:53:03

I just read your message,sending hugs your way.

With regards to money,have you looked into what you will be entitled to with tax credits? You get a certain amount of childcare paid for if you're working and I think get more as a line parent.

Are you gettung child benefit and factoring that into your finances? Don't forget about child maintenance from your ex but tbh so many men seem to wriggle out of that I wouldn't depend on it.

Gingerbread is a really good organistion to go to for support as a single parent as well. I think there are some tools on there to work out finances.

I'm a single parent to one child,work full time and make ends meet. We shop in Aldi/Lidl,have a car and save where we can. It's not impossible at all but you will have to make sacrifices.

It won't be easy but the one thing I can say with absolute certainty,is even when you think you've got rock bottom,your life will be better having left your abusive ex than if you'd stayed.

Be brave and good luck xx

Stoneagemum Sat 12-Dec-15 02:19:09

I'm lucky in a way, no mortgage ha rent tenancy in my name always. But basics the same, home over our heads and work covering basic need by wages and benefit top up.

Rent and live hand to mouth, stark perhaps but doable for peace of mind

Stoneagemum Sat 12-Dec-15 02:22:22

Don't let what he says drag you down the verbal abuse is just him talking shit to make you feel bad.

Foslady Sat 12-Dec-15 12:06:21

Believe me - you can do this. Have you checked the government website That will give you an idea. Yes it is scary initially, but it is so much more worth not being on eggshells all the time xx

MotiSen Sun 13-Dec-15 03:24:14

Housing wise, I started small, affordable rent. Tykes don't mind a small place so much - if Mum's happier. Then while working, whatever training was available, I took it, so that I could earn more. Doing this, it took about 3 years to be earning a decent living. Putting away a small amount of money each paycheck is a good idea, for unexpected expenses. They seem to come up often.
You can do it!
Best wishes.

Dinamit Sun 13-Dec-15 09:53:04

Thanks so much for all your replies, words of support and practical advice. I have been following similar threads on here and have filled out the questionnaire on the 'entitled to' website and it looks like I can get some tax credits. What a relief! I will check out the other link too.

Seeing as I worked so hard to create a stable home for my kids, I am not ready to sell up and go into rented, mostly as we have previously been unlucky with landlords and have had to move every couple of years etc which is very unsettling and financially draining.

I love Aldi and shop there anyway, have to keep the car someway and the rest I will work out as I go I guess. Now the thing is him actually getting up and leaving and how to explain it to our 7-year old. I have two boys and it breaks my heart that they will not have their dad around. Are there any mums of boys only in a similar situation and were they ok? What did you tell them? As long as ex is able to be civil, I would never come between the boys and their father.

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter Sun 13-Dec-15 12:40:27

You may be able to take a holiday on your mortgage. I don't know much about this but it may be worth looking into for a few months whilst you get on your feet? And if you can - put that money away so you have a small amount of savings to dip into. Washing machines etc rarely give you notice that they are going to break.

MotiSen Sun 13-Dec-15 13:20:05

My son's father is an alcoholic - I told him, Your father is having a few problems, but he's working on it, and he does love you. He's beginning to (maybe) get the drinking under control, and during sober periods, he has DS for a weekend here and there. It helps a lot, I think, for DS to know him as a decent human being who loves him. Hopefully yours will behave once you show him you're not there to be abused. If he doesn't, explaining human nature goes a long way, I think. Helps the tykes become empathetic, I think.

russetbella1000 Sun 13-Dec-15 23:24:49

Ask about mortgage interest relief too-could only be eligible with Income support but worth checking ...

Icandoanything Sun 13-Dec-15 23:33:43

I'm alone with a 6 year old. Ex and I broke up last June and his contact has been sporadic for the past year due to him being a workphobic,non-commital twunt.

Do I worry about my son not having a consistent father figure in his life? Yes. But I would have been worried id we were still together as ex had (what I now realise) an allowing attitude towards women. He sees me being a strong parent,going to work every day,being there for him 24/7,being reliable,being loving. So if I had the choice,it would be this way every time.

I don't have any male friends really,I have a brother who is a great uncle to him. I'm not sure I'll ever be getting into a serious relationship again for the forseeable future. But son had a great male teacher at school,make PE teacher,we go to gaming events that are mostly make orientated.

You do what you can. No ones life is perfect. And as I said before,if I had the choice again to stay with my ex si my son could have a make figure regularly in his life,I would choose against it EVERY TIME. A role model is not someone emotionally and verbally abusive.

Icandoanything Sun 13-Dec-15 23:34:56

That should say appaling attitude towards women!

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