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Need Help - ExH and money

(20 Posts)
dravensangel Tue 01-Dec-15 08:00:08

Hi everyone, I am at my wits end, I wonder if anyone can help. Divorced 6 years ago. Two kids. I have them 3 days and every other weekend, he has them 2 days and every other weekend. I give him the child benefit and he demands a third of my tax credits. This has gone on for years, I am now in arrears with my rent and struggling with money, so sought advice from CMO, they said he is not entitled to any of my tax credits, I tell him this and I get a plethora of texts and emails making threats of him getting full custody etc. He is emotionally abusive, that's why I left him! I can't afford a solicitor and no one seems to be able to help me. Does anyone have any ideas? Thank you for reading this.

Cookiecake Tue 01-Dec-15 08:05:39

I hoped his doesn't sound too harsh by why on earth are you giving him money?! You are literally taking money meant for you and your children and giving it to a grown man that you are no longer with. It is absolute madness!

I would make a note of any harassment and keep texts and emails and go to the police. He should not be harassing you at all and certainly not about money that surely has nothing to do with him.

tribpot Tue 01-Dec-15 08:07:35

Do you mean the child benefit is in your name but then you hand the money over to him? You didn't sign the child benefit over to him I hope?

It sounds like, hard as it is, you could just stop giving him money. He may then start legal proceedings but I'm not sure what else you can do in the short term - you need to pay your rent.

You might want to try Rights of Women although this doesn't sound like you need advice on your legal rights, more that you are unable to enforce them due to the ongoing abuse.

Do you still have the texts and emails? It might be worth reporting him to the police for harrassment, as well as changing your phone number (keeping the existing number on a PAYG mobile he can use to contact you when he has the kids).

dravensangel Tue 01-Dec-15 09:49:59

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it. It doesn't sounds harsh at all and many people have told me over the years that I shouldn't be giving him the money, but I am scared of him, scared he could take my kids. He is remarried and settled (he got the marital home in the divorce) whereas I am a single parent in rented accommodation. He is extremely bitter. I have kept all the texts and emails as evidence. The Child Benefit is in my name, but I pay it to him, he says he is entitled to this because we have the children 50/50. I will contact Rights of Women, thank you so much, that is so helpful. Appreciate the advice from both of you. I know it sounds like I am being weak, but after 14 years of being ground down by him, I can't seem to find any strength.

tribpot Tue 01-Dec-15 12:13:41

I think you need to understand that he can't just 'take your kids'. The fact he's married and you're single, he's a homeowner (although 'homestealer' might be a more appropriate term) and you're in rented is irrelevant. I think you've let this fear dominate your interaction with him and you really need to arm yourself with facts. It doesn't even make sense, why should you give him all the child benefit when he has the kids half the time? It's just abuse, plain and simple.

It might be worth talking to Women's Aid, you might be somewhat outside their remit as you aren't technically in a relationship with this hideous man, but you are definitely still unable to get away from him. Women's Aid's Freedom Programme might be a good one for you - you are still very much in the abuse of an abuse victim.

throwingpebbles Tue 01-Dec-15 12:20:14

Hold on to all the emails.
Call women's aid or national centre for domestic violence
You may well be entitled to legal aid in the circumstances, certainly it is worth checking
Stop handing over the tax credits. If he goes to court you can produce the emails as pretty damning evidence for his rationale

Massive sympathies I left an emotionally abusive ex and yes they find ways to continue after you split

You could also call the child benefit office and explain what he is doing?

throwingpebbles Tue 01-Dec-15 12:23:32

You aren't weak you are clearly very strong even if it doesn't feel like it

If the emails are threatening then report to police, they have been very supportive to me

The judge won't care whether a house is "owned" or rented

EDisFunny Tue 01-Dec-15 12:27:41

I think you just need to stop giving him any money at all, contact CMS and open a case as he may need to pay you, contact women's aid for counselling and support, and report any physical threats to the police.

DorynownotFloundering Tue 01-Dec-15 12:34:34

Yes keep all the mo ey for you + the kids.

Difficult though it is ignore the ranting, he cannot take the kids away from you. You have done well keeping all the evidence, a papertrail is good.

What he is doing is harassment, and the more you respond the more he likes it. Be strong keep posting here , lots of support & advice from those who have been there before.just hang on to one thought if nothing else, ....He is wrong.

dravensangel Tue 01-Dec-15 14:21:10

Wow, thank you so much for all the wonderful advice everyone, I wish I had come here much sooner. I will be contacting Women's Aid asap and will be finding out about legal aid. I am so very grateful for all the help, Thank you so much

DorynownotFloundering Tue 01-Dec-15 21:00:33

Have a look at the online Freedom Programme too, it helps you understand why you react to EA + helps you avoid reacting to his crap.

tribpot Tue 01-Dec-15 22:30:11

I think Legal Aid might be unlikely as there is no reported domestic violence, despite the sustained and ongoing abuse. I hope I'm wrong.

cestlavielife Wed 02-Dec-15 11:28:57

stop handing over money and let him take you to court.
you have more or less 50/50 so there may be no child maintenance to pay as CMO have told you he is not entitled to any of my tax credits then just ignore his rants. let him take it further if he wishes.

CrushedCan Wed 02-Dec-15 22:55:16

You will definitely get Legal Aid if you're on benefits! Also DO NOT give him any of your CHILDRENS money especially if you are struggling with rent. He sounds controlling and manipulative and you need to be strong enough to tell him no.

gamerchick Wed 02-Dec-15 23:13:53

I'm really glad you've came here now. Honestly he won't take you to court, they always use the threat of taking the kids. I even faced social services who were trying to find him a house so he could take the kids - until they met me. I didn't even have this place at the time.

It's time to take your life back and put him in his place. Taking your kids is a threat he uses to keep control. He can't just take them.

cestlavielife Thu 03-Dec-15 12:20:34

i think legal aid is only in cases of dv...but you might get some help towards mediation if that is needed

if he is harassing you with texts go to police.

Shutthatdoor Thu 03-Dec-15 12:25:12

You will definitely get Legal Aid if you're on benefits

No OP won't!

Legal aid is no longer income related!

IMNOTYOURBABES Sat 05-Dec-15 08:12:39

What a nasty, manipulative bully! angry
CAB might be worth a try, you could maybe get a free half hour with a solicitor or two. Knowledge is power & the more advice you get, the more confident you will become.

STIDW Sat 05-Dec-15 17:42:53

Not too fast. Child Benefit & tax credits can't be shared. However if care is shared exactly 50:50 each parent may claim CB & tax benefits for one child. So if the children spend exactly the same number of nights with each parent your ex may be able to successfully claim CB & tax credits for one child & you would then only receive the benefits for the other child. If you have an open case with the CSA each of you would be able to claim child maintenance from the other. Alternatively under the Child Maintenance Service neither parent is deemed to be the non resident parent & no claim can be processed. If you share care exactly equally 50:50 then I would suggest going through the figures & negotiating otherwise you might be left worse off.

On the other hand if care is shared in different proportions & you have the children for more nights on average you are entitled to claim the benefits & child maintenance. Your ex would be the non resident parents so you would be able to claim child maintenance for both children, albeit at a reduced rate to take account of the number of overnight stays the have with them. If you are eligible for benefits it is your decision how to spend them on the family.

Unfortunately the only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to their threats. Keep a diary, accounts & receipts for shopping so if necessary you can use them as evidence of the arrangements for children for court/CSA/CMS & in case your ex kicks off & applies to claim benefits or to have the children living solely with him. Record taking/collecting your children to/from school, activities & friends, dental & medical appointments which if necessary can be independently backed up.

Letitgoletitgo Sun 06-Dec-15 22:28:59

Your tax credits are for you and your children based on your income. They do not take into account his income or any maintenance you receive from him. Do not give them to him! I suspect it's likely that if he put in a tax credit claim (by claiming for one child each as previous poster suggested - you can't both claim for both) that he would not get nearly as much as you, and in fact may be entitled to nothing at all as it is based on your whole household income which will include his dw. That money is legally yours and sweet fa to do with him - do not hand it over! Good luck op!

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