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Am I just an ungrateful spoilt cow, or is this totally unreasonable?

(8 Posts)
Knackeredknitter67 Sat 28-Nov-15 23:31:35

So I am a lone parent to 5 children, ages ranging from 12 to 4. Three have autism, one of those has autism+adhd. They don't sleep well, which is to be expected and is part of their disability. I also have two who are not autistic. I do everything alone, all of the fighting for them re education and misunderstanding by schools, especially for the 12 year old who is academically very able and his needs are often overlooked or ignored. I have the 4 year old at home with me, because the nursery could not meet his needs. I am in the process of finding another nursery for him. I do all this on usually 4 hours of sleep, sometimes just 2 hours.
Their father sees them for around 4 to 5 hours on a Saturday. For this he takes me car because he doesnt have a car big enough, and often turns up late. Today he returned them late because he took them to see his family, which is nice for them and I am happy about that. So he had them from 1pm to 9pm. But in that time he did not change the10 year old's nappy, or the 4 year old's (they are both doubly incontinent) He also did not tell me he would be bringing them back late until I phoned him at 7pm, and then said he would be another hour.
It has been over a year since we split up, and he is still saying I am unreasonable for not allowing him access in the home, still takes my car, still is not regular or organised about when he sees the children, still expects me to just let him talk to the children on my mobile when ever he rings.
For all of his inability to organise seeing his children properly he blames me. He refuses to have the children over night. My 6 year old daughter wanted to see him again tomorrow, but he says he is busy. In reality he is hanging out with his mates and doesn't want to see her.
When ever her picks up and drops the kids off, he insists on taking things from the house and the whole process takes around half an hour. He often brings them back after a couple of hours because he has forgotten something.
It drives me insane.

Knackeredknitter67 Sat 28-Nov-15 23:33:45

Ive started drinking 4 bottles of wine a week, I know I need to stop this by the way

DavesPiglings Sat 28-Nov-15 23:34:20

it's totally unreasonable

he should be changing nappies and sorting out a car that can fit all of them rather than taking yours for starters

cestlavielife Sat 28-Nov-15 23:37:06

Why can't he swap his car for one big enough ?

Stop letting him call the shots. You don't need to let him in the house.

Knackeredknitter67 Sun 29-Nov-15 00:56:22

If I don't let him use my car, he doesn't see the kids at all.
I know I have to force a change but its difficult messing with the routine the kids are used to, especially the autistic ones who need the routine and sameness. I think I felt the pressure at first because the split occurred at my instigation and I felt terribly guilty about the children being upset. I tried so hard to keep things going and smooth for them, that I overlooked the hardship it would cause me. And now I am finding it impossible to force through the changes that need to happen to make things sustainable and manageable for me.
Im only just coming around to the idea that as the parent with the most pressure, things need to be easier for me

cestlavielife Sun 29-Nov-15 22:51:21

Get more support via ss.

cestlavielife Sun 29-Nov-15 22:52:08

Get a formal arrangement agreed eg thru mediation.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 29-Nov-15 22:57:41

Good god you would not be unreasonable if you buried him.under the patio quite frankly. you poor thing. who is he to lay down all these conditions to see his own damn kids.

he gets a new car or he hires one when needed. and he changes the poor kids nappies. I dread to think how uncomfortable they must have been.

no advice really just wanted to say you are not U at all.

and I hope you can find the strength to stop the drinking. flowers

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