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5 years on same problems....

(4 Posts)
Eclaire7891 Mon 16-Nov-15 01:02:09

Hi, I've posted a couple of times before always about the same problems.

I don't want to go into it too much (post would be even longer!) but basically my daughter's father is a nightmare!! We quite honestly think something is wrong with him because his behaviour is so illogical. The main issue is he is more determined to hurt me than avoid hurting our daughter. He sends LONG and multiple abusive messages, which we've just given a statement to police over. They've suggested blocking him on my phone unless he has dd and contacting social services for the issues surrounding his care of her which is many fairly minor issues but enough to worry me. My worry doing this is that he'll make up lies and I don't know what they would do with my dd. It is impossible to communicate with him he just kicks off and attempts to cause arguments at every opportunity.
My biggest concern is this ...
He started a new job about April time which required him to work shifts. A couple of months ago the shifts changed so every few weekends he works when he should have dd. He asked and I agreed to be flexible around this but when I offered he kicked off. He has not asked to rearrange other than at Halloween we brought it forward a day over half term and he refused to return dd and threatened to call her (he wasn't even with her) and tell her I was ruining their night and plans, so I have therefore refused to be flexible again.
This week he has left dd on Monday with HIS nan and in the morning taken her to the breakfast club in school which I have to pay for!!! Didn't inform me and there was no reason she couldn't come home rather than sit in school for an extra hour (I cant collect her until 5.30pm due to work). I have got her home today following the weekend and she has spent both nights with his nan and seen him inbetween.
My main issue with her staying with his nan is that about a year ago she had a heart attack and a matter of weeks ago had another problem with the stent they fitted (which they initially thought was another heart attack). She came home and fell in the house. She is nearly 80 and she is full time carer to her husband who is older, terminally ill and lives in a hospital bed in the living room. She is frequently left with his brothers 2 children and his brother also doesn't seem to help all too much. I have no issue with the lady but I don't think this is the best person to be babysitting my dd when she could come home for the night (and I had offered to be flexible around work). What if something happens when my dd is there? She is 5, she would not know what to do and I assume she will be scared and left unaccompanied. Furthermore, why do I give up my already limited time with my daughter just for him to have her babysat elsewhere??
I have asked my daughter (I know some people will say I shouldn't and until now I haven't) what she wants to do. She has told me she doesn't want to stay at his nans and she also doesn't like staying at his flat. I asked why and she said "don't you know I don't like being bored" all he has is a telly (she frequently quotes Bender from Futurama). She said she likes him and she still wants to see him. I asked how often - all week? She said no. I said for 3 days at a time and she said no maybe 2.
She asked me at bedtime what we were doing tomorrow so I replied saying it was a school day and she got annoyed that she'd spent all weekend with her dad/nan and no time with me.

My question is - do you think I should take away the overnight visits? She's not happy and as her mum I don't want to send her there if she's unhappy. She's only 5 but she has said a few times previously she doesn't like staying overnight. When do you think I can take her word for it?
She used to go every Sunday - if I did this again is that unfair?
Would you contact social services regarding other aspects of care, there's nothing major but I have a list as long as my arm of things that aren't right. What experiences have you had?

Thanks for any help and advice you can give!! x x x

Flowerpower41 Mon 16-Nov-15 09:26:05

How old is your daughter op?

AliceInUnderpants Mon 16-Nov-15 09:32:58

First, stop asking your daughter - this could be construed as 'leading' her into saying something. Start talking to your ex. Does he actually want to have her when she is with his nan/brother, or would he agree it would be easier to re-arrange access?
Unfortunately, if he insists he is happy to have her at those time, it is up to him who she spends that time with. The best you can do is teach her basic 999 safety use so she knows what to do in an emergency.

My ex frequently leaves the children with his 78 year old DGM, and although I wasn't happy to begin with, the kids actually get on great there.

Eclaire7891 Mon 16-Nov-15 13:18:15

I don't have an issue with his nan or her being there, it's the very recent and serious health problems. I don't mind teaching dd 999 process but I can't for the life of me understand why any parent would knowingly put her in a situation where she would need it. My solicitor has agreed with me this isn't appropriate.

I am completely unable to communicate with her father. I have put up with 6 years of abuse and I am currently 8 months pregnant and unwilling to be shouted at and insulted. We have been to 6 or 7 separate mediation sessions and I have spoken one on one with him previously so has my father, all unsuccessful. He's been told he has an anger management problem by the mediator and his behaviour is considered domestic abuse and needs to stop. Yet doesn't. He also doesn't hold back when our dd is there.

I don't disagree she shouldn't be asked questions (and they weren't leading questions) but even without asking she quite clearly was disappointed that she had been so bored all weekend. However, I did say I haven't asked questions until now and that is because I don't know what to do or how to proceed and don't feel there is much support without paying extortionate legal fees.

My daughter was 5 in July.

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