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flaky ex P

(9 Posts)
MinnieF1 Wed 11-Nov-15 20:08:58


I've had loads of problems with DS's dad, who is my ex p. In short, DS is 2.5 now and I split up with ex p when he was 7mo.

Ex p has been in and out of DS's life since we split up (his lazy parenting and cba attitude was part of the reason I ended the relationship).

We've been to court and he has agreed to undergo a psychiatric assessment (recommended by CAFCASS due to years of MH issues and suicide attempts). This should be completed in feb. In the meantime, he is to have regular contact at the contact centre, which we have been doing since January. We will then review this based on the result of the assessment.

However, he has now cancelled contact again. This is the fourth time he has decided to pull the plug on contact and I'm at the end of my tether. When DS was much younger, it wasn't too bad and he wasn't affected. Now though, he enjoys going to see his dad.

My concern is that if his dad carries on like this in the future (stopping and starting contact when it suits him) then it may do more harm to DS than him being absent altogether.

Solicitors are involved so I could ask mine to write to his asking wtf he is playing at...

I would just leave it and 'wait and see' but I don't fancy forking out £2000-3000 for a psych assessment for him to turn round and say he doesn't want contact anyway! I can barely afford to pay for it all myself as it is, but was prepared to use my savings if it meant it would benefit our son. I'm now wondering if this is the best option after all?

queenofthepirates Wed 11-Nov-15 20:51:11

Christ he sounds like a nightmare. Would there be any possibility of speaking to him directly (or in a letter) and suggesting that given the disruption, he voluntarily ceases contact? I get that if there's MH issues he is unlikely to be able to provide stability but could he be persuaded to see the bigger picture that he's harming his son but continuing flaky contact?

cestlavielife Wed 11-Nov-15 21:24:50

Kids can see relatives or friends in frequently it s not an issue. Just don't build ds up. If it's contact centre there will be record. Make it a surprise when dad will be there.

cestlavielife Wed 11-Nov-15 21:26:16

Accept that dad will be in and out and make that ok for ds. You can't stop contact completely tho ex can.

MinnieF1 Wed 11-Nov-15 23:25:53

Sorry, I didn't make it clear in my original post. He has already chosen to cease contact. The contact centre said that as they have a long waiting list, they won't be able to accommodate him unless it is regular (they can't keep a room free 'just in case' basically). He's therefore told them he no longer wishes to attend.

He was abusive towards me during our relationship, and after our break up, so speaking to him directly usually results in him shouting at me (including during mediation).

I suppose all I can hope is that he does attend the psych assessment and then we can move forward. The problem is that the assessment won't be completed until mid feb.

DS is only 2.5 so not likely to be happy to be left with him come feb. I'm not really sure what to do in the meantime! Should I offer to facilitate contact (eg visit the local playbarn/ park with him etc) so DS doesn't lose what little bond they have ATM?

I think I'll ask my solicitor what she recommends but I'm v wary. He often creates an issue like this when he doesn't get his own way (we've even had to move contact centres because of his behaviour) so I'm skeptical I suppose, and could do with an objective opinion.

Sorry for the rambling! Just writing down my thoughts really. I don't what things to escalate the way they did before (he'd turn up at my house, ring me 20 times a day etc. and I don't want to undo all the work I've done in terms of maintaining boundaries).

cestlavielife Thu 12-Nov-15 09:01:33

If he has chosen to stop contact then leave it. If he goes to court for contact then point out he refused to go to contact centre.
Make sure contact centre have recorded in writing his refusal.
You have offered contact he has refused. If he moans ignore. Let him moan to a judge.
I know it s hard similar here.
For us on building other consistent relationships for ds. Family or friends.

cestlavielife Thu 12-Nov-15 09:02:01

Focus on ....

cestlavielife Thu 12-Nov-15 09:02:55

A psych assessment won't help really as it won't change him

MinnieF1 Thu 12-Nov-15 10:49:16

Thanks for replying. I agree with what you've said, I will leave it up to him now.

The psych assessment was to assess whether or not he should be having contact outside of a contact centre - no supervision or anything- as there were some safeguarding concerns. If the assessment had shown there was no risk, we would have stopped the contact centre and organised it between ourselves. I'm wondering if his family have told him not to go ahead in case it doesn't go well (as a family they sweep everything under the carpet and CAFCASS even commented on the way exP minimises the seriousness of his behaviour).

Anyway, I'll leave the ball in his court and see if he writes to my solicitor or not. Thanks for your help smile

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