Dad doesnt feed our son properly

[OnTheEdgeToday]

He has our son from friday evening until sunday evening.
So it is mostly saturday where it is bad, and sunday really.

Dad will not cook. He refuses to cook. His specialty is sausages. Dad will have a sausage sandwich, because my son doesnt like sausage sandwiches, he is given 5-8 sausages with sauce.
The sausage phase seems to have died down now and has been replaced with a tin of meatballs. Before the sausages it was the tinned burgers...with sauce.

On a saturday this is what my son eats...i have witnessed this on more than one occasion.

Breakfast - crisps, chocolate, sweets
Snacks - crisps, chocolate, sweets
Lunch - if out and about a sandwich from greggs or a savaloy (yes a savaloy on its own)
Tea - meatballs or a pot noodle
Supper - crap again.

Sometimes...if dad fancies one, a cheese toasty will be made.

My son is 7. He has told me one tin of meatballs doesnt fill him up. I have expressed my concerns to dad in a light hearted way, and suggested he offers smash mash and/or beans to go alongside the meatballs to create some form of meal. He has offered smash up with it twice.

His mother has gone out of her way to buy freezer meals that are already made up, just need put in the oven. Dad threw them in the bin.

He also went through a phase of giving him snack attacks for dinner. I told him they were called snack attacks because they were snacks, not filling enough to be used as a meal.

It is really starting to annoy me because our son is getting older and wanting proper food and dad is just not giving him this because he cannot be bothered to cook.
I think it is completely unfair on our son to rely on the snacks in the fridge and cupboards to fill himself up.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

I dread the holidays where dad insists he has him more because i know he wont be eating properly

[ouryve]

If he's that intent on neglecting your DS that he'll throw away good food, rather than let him have it, should he really be having unsupervised contact?

[FrozenPonds]

There probably isn't anything you can do to influence the child's father.

As the grandmother seems to be onside, perhaps she could throw some salad, cheese, cold meats and thongs in the fridge, so that your son can help himself.

It won't be long until he can make his own toast, sandwiches, cereal etc. so I wouldn't worry about it.

[LeaLeander]

Agree with ouryve, that sounds negligent. And frankly deliberate sabotage of your son's nutrition if he's actually willing to throw healthier foods in the garbage rather than let your son eat them. Does he resent having the child on weekends?

As an interim measure can you send your child with packed food -- cut-up vegetables, sandwiches, babybel etc. to help him fill up? Or would your ex take umbrage/forbid the child from eating it?

It's tricky because I bet he would blame or berate the child for telling you about the inadequate fare if you challenge him about it. What a mess.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

He threw the meals in the bin! What's wrong with him? I don't know where you go from here but he does not sound like a decent father. Hope you get some advice on how to deal with this. It is negligent in my opinion and his health will suffer.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

He has had this contact arrangement since our son was born. It has only been the last three years where i have actually became aware of the extent of it. The weekends i can just about cope with, as my son is not deprived of food completely and it is only a short time. The holidays are very difficult.

He is the type of dad who appears to be the wonderful dad. Never misses a contact, never misses payments. He takes our son out places etc. He fails massively on behaviour and food. Like, massively imo.

Stopping contact, or even suggesting i had him for tea would be a major issue in his eyes and he wouldnt agree.
A couple fridays back he finished work late, around 7pm he got to my house. He was going to take our son to his house, basicall have 30 mins with him or so before putting him to bed and then bringing him back at 7am as he had to go to work the following day.
I said no, and he argued with me. I said he could keep him on the sunday and drop him off at school so he would have the same amount of days. He didnt agree to that. He didnt understand or see how pointless it would be to take him to go to sleep and come back here first thing.

[MyNewBearTotoro]

Maybe it is time to express your concerns in a less light-hearted way? Whilst you can't necessarily expect your ex to feed your DS the same sort of foods as you feed him crisps/ chocolate for breakfast is unacceptable. Neither is leaving your DS hungry.

Do you think your ex is feeding your DS badly either to spoil him (hence the unlimited sweets/ chocolates) or to annoy you or do you think he is genuinely just clueless? If the former I would be having stern words but if the latter maybe he just needs more guidance to know what foods to offer.

I think it is a good idea to suggest to your ex easy options for feeding your DS. There are so many convenience foods available now - microwave rice/ pasta, oven chips etc - to help make foods like sausages/ meatballs into a meal. I don't understand crisps etc for breakfast either when most breakfast foods (toast, cereal) are so quick and easy to prepare.

That said what does your DS eat at home on a typical day? Could the problem be that he is fussy and your DP struggles to find foods he likes? Or that your DS is refusing foods he would eat with you because he knows the alternative will be crisps/ chocolate etc?

Maybe your best bet is to try and speak to DS's grandmother and see if she can help her son to feed his son better foods?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

My son is not a fussy eater and he absolutely loves meals. He loves the likes of chicken dinnera, his faves are mince and dumplings and bangara and mash.
He loves the likes of tortilla wraps, which are not mucj different to snack attacks. I have suggested dad buy these as they would save him money and be bigger and more filling for our son. But no. He said he cant be botjered with the hassle of making them. Our son could fucking make them himself. Dad sent him home with pre packed ham onsunday. His mum probably bought it as my son loves ham...dads properly found it too much effort to open

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Probaby *

[stubbornstains]

To me, it sounds like he's doing it on purpose to deliberately sabotage your contact arrangements.

Deliberately depriving your son of proper food sounds like abuse- but of a kind that can't be easily picked up on. Because if he was challenged, he could go: "But kids love sausages/ he deserves the occasional treat at weekends etc".

[stubbornstains]

Having re read what PPs have said, I'll swap that "abuse" for "neglect".

[OnTheEdgeToday]

He doesnt listen to his mum. He just tells her to shut up if she tries to offer an opinion or advice. So asking for help from her will be useless, as she has tried and got nowhere. She has been taking our son out on an afternoon some weekends. Maybe this is her intervening so he gets some proper food as she will buy him his dinner

[OnTheEdgeToday]

He also wont buy a microwave as he beloeves they give cancer

[bearleftmonkeyright]

You see, 99% of Dads would have no problem with cooking their kids fish fingers, beans and oven chips for example or a pizza. He is not doing that. Cooking your kids some tea is the bare necessity of parenting in my opinion. He is not doing that so he can't even do the bare necessities. I hope you get some advice because I have not been in your situation but he is failing I think. You are right to be concerned.

[fiftyandfat]

You could contact the school nursing team and ask their advice.

Nutrition is very important in the context of education.

[TheOnlyColditz]

I would call the social services

[Yika]

It also sounds neglectful to me, especially if he actually rejects any help to provide better food. Very bad that the son is actually not even getting enough to fill him up.

I really don't know what to suggest however. Can you give your son some money so that he can buy himself a sandwich or a bread roll when out with the dad? I'd also suggest sending something filling like a sandwich or a tub of cold pasta at least for the Saturday night.

Would the dad let him have fish and chips?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Sorry about my spelling. I blame my phone
You're right, it isnt exactly hard work to stick a couple of things in the oven.

I have told him if he doesnt lessen the sweets, and sugary crap then he can start doing dental appointments as i get frowned upon because it is clear to the dentist my son has lots of sweets.

He wont even buy juice so he can make him a drink. He buys numbers of fruit shoots so he can just grab one when he wants one.

It is just down to pure laziness when i look at it all as a whole. Which is ridiculous as he only has him on a weekend. Refuses to have him on the sunday night so he doesnt need to do the school run on the monday.

But...to everyone else he appears to be the perfect dad

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Dad would let him use the money to buy a toy or something...
I will sort something out to send over some food with him this weekend. Ill find out off of my son come sunday whether he was allowed it or not. Unless dad tells him to tell me he ate when he didnt.

My son loves tuna and pasta so i could make that. It would be ok to be eaten the following day wouldnt it?

What other things could i do that will keep? Sandwiches...

Dad might be offended but he might pull his bastard finger out

[Sunnyminimalist2]

Is it worth teaching your son how to cook a few meals so that he can with time, provide himself a good meal at his dads.

[TheOnlyColditz]

WTF, this runs deeper than laziness, and you know it! He threw away prepared meals to stop your son eating them, what the fuck is the matter with him?

[Sunnyminimalist2]

I would speak to the school nurse or health visitor and get her to contact your Ex

[Sunnyminimalist2]

It has to be dealt with.

[YoScience]

What does the dad eat over the course of the weekend?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Dads diet is cheese sandwiches, crisps, and pizza. From greggs on a saturday it would be two cheese pasties or a sausage and bean pasty.

His usual day is:
No breakfast
2 cheese sandwiches for dinner with 5 or so bags of crisps, a chocolate biscuit bar
No tea...possibly a crisp binge if peckish and for supper it is a pizza.
Sometimes, very rarely he will alternate to oven chips and gravy.

The pizza and chips and gravy will be when my son is in bed.

Dads freezer literally is filled with frozen pizzas. Sometimes ice lollies...sometimes waffles.
I have been shopping with him before and i was deeply embarrassed come the check out.
7-10 pizzas, 4-5 bags of multipack crisps, 3-5 different varieties of chocolate bars. Body wash, paracetemol, ibruprofen. Every single time. I have even told him he is addicted to tablets as he buys them constantly.
For our son he adds in, yoghurts (sometimes), snack attacks, crisps and biscuits of my sons choice, sweets, packets of fruit...since i mentioned the dentist. meatballs and fruitshoots.

I think i will see how i get on with sending food over before i speak to someone else.