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Ex is having a baby

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CandyCrush77 Mon 02-Nov-15 13:15:05

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 02-Nov-15 14:56:39

I think there are strong feelings towards your Ex DH, possibly of pain and being let down, which may be understandable, and him having a new baby may have bought up many of these to the fore for you.

However, your DH isn't doing anything to you or your kids that is terrible by having another child. Who knows, it may actually be a positive thing in some ways. Or maybe not, but that is for your Ex and his partner, it is their child and family to make the best of, or not. If your kids don't stay with him anyway they will be less affected than kids who do.

You've got yourself a new partner, you may well be a good mother. He hasn't wrecked your and your kids lives by getting another woman pregnant. Stop giving him the power to affect your life so much and concentrate on making yours a good one. If anything will help your kids, is seeing you unfazed, solid and happy, and not pulled into a drama that might actually be OK for them.

purpledasies Mon 02-Nov-15 17:36:37

My ex had a new baby 4 years ago, when my DC were 11 and 8 - and I felt very similar to you when I found out. Really upset, even though I knew I didn't really have any right to be. I was worried they'd be pushed out of their dad's life, that money and space in the house would be more stretched, etc. And just kind of hurt by it all.

But tbh it hasn't been that bad overall - my DC are very fond of their little brother. I think it was me who found it hard emotionally, rather than them. Their dad's energies are spread a bit more thin I guess, but with quite a large age gap there's not really the jelousy you get with young children who get a new sibling - I don't think they'd say that overall it was a bad thing. Their DSM is as disinterested in them as ever, so no real change either way from her.

Your ex can, legally, reduce the maintenance he pays you by a small amount on the grounds of having an extra child, but mine didn't bother (or didn't dare, maybe). It's also possilbe from what you say, that they won't stay together, which could be hard in a different way I guess. Complicated for your ex to be jiggling different children coming at diffferent times, but that's all quite a way off.

Can you tell him you've heard and ask when he plans to tell the kids? Or leave it til she's showing and then ask? But I guess if it's early on, unplanned and he's not happy about it have they actually ruled out abortion yet? So I definitely wouldn't tell your kids yourself until it's much further on if he hasn't done.

I wouldn't be too judgmental about them being irresponsible - it is possible to have an unplanned pregnancy even when you have taken all sensible precaustions.

At least your ex has enough space he can accommodate your DC and the new one if he wants - mine were sharing a one bed flat with their dad, his DW and the new baby for two years. They now have a two bed, but it's still crammed.

swingofthings Mon 02-Nov-15 17:46:08

I think you are totally over-reacting and I suspect probably as a result of feeling envious that you won't be the first one to give a baby brother/sister to your kids?

I've been in the exact same situation, except even worse in my case as ex was paying no maintenance at all and I'd suffered a miscarriage and told we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally just before he ....bothered to call to let me know the news (when of course, he never bothered to contact me to discuss anything relating to our kids.

So I do know very well how you might feel. However, there is no reason at this stage to assume that it will impact negatively on your children. In the case of my children, it had the opposite effect, they wanted them more around to play happy family, and then so that they could occupy the baby, especially first thing in the morning because he of course wanted them to bond. The kids didn't mind though and loved looking after her. They have grown very close and now actually look more forward to visits to see her than their dad.

As for me, after the massive heartache, I'm moved on. I got to know that little girl through my kids' eyes and learn to consider her their little sister. I have no bad feelings towards her at all and have told my kids that if they ever wanted to come over some day with the agreement of her parents, I would have no issue with it at all.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 02-Nov-15 19:06:38

swing I have to say that sounds pretty heartbreaking in your situation at the time. Another person may have had a hard time moving on, but you did.

OP - it sounds like swing has been through similar and come out of the other side, so perhaps your fears will subside over time.

CandyCrush77 Mon 02-Nov-15 20:19:38

Have to say, I don't think I am overreacting at all. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough what a total selfish twat this guy is and how little he does for his own kids? He isn't going to do any better for this child, just create the same mess, if not worse. I don't think it's cause to rejoice or be happy at all. It's just him leading the same selfish life. And I am not envious about him being first to conceive. If you read my other thread you will see that DH and I have been agonising over if and when we should have a baby, if at all, our main thoughts being for our existing kids. We deliberately held off to make sure we had a mature and stable relationship. Why on earth couldn't DP and his girlfriend do that? So much at stake.

Wdigin2this Tue 03-Nov-15 01:26:40

I get your point entirely Candy, and as you obviously know the man's character, you're possibly right about the outcome of the relationship. But, it is their business, and whether it goes well or falls's their problem! However, the point about telling your DC is a valid one, I would probably not wait until the pregnancy is obvious in case they get to hear about it! Maybe you could ask him if a) it's a fact, and b) when/where/how he's going to tell the DC, or would he prefer you to do it!

AcrossthePond55 Tue 03-Nov-15 03:08:49

I do think you're overreacting, but I'm sure it's out of misplaced concern for your children (and the upcoming baby).

Your children will be fine with having a half-sibling, or even having two in one year, should you decide to go ahead. Kids are like that, they're pretty good at rolling with the punches. They may even be excited. Just realize that a lot of it will have to do with your reaction. You don't have to be happy about it, but you do have to keep it to yourself. You'll need to rein in your negative feelings and just say 'Oh how lovely' when they tell you. It wouldn't be right or fair of you to put your negative feelings on them.

As far as the ex and his gf, what happens to their relationship is none of your business. Whether he magically turns into Superdad or remains the same sack of crap is no longer your concern, other than how he treats your children. How he treats the new baby is his gf's problem, not yours, unless of course neglect or abuse occurs. And it's also up to him as to when he tells the children about the new baby.

PrettyBrightFireflies Tue 03-Nov-15 07:00:56

candy Your ex's g/f may well have to "discover the hard way" what a lousy father and partner he is.
You ask "what is this woman thinking?" And yet you had two DCs with a man you say was emotionally sbusive throughout your relationship. Maybe others thought the same about you at the time?

All you can do is support your DCs in their relationship with the man who is their dad. You are forewarned, so will be able to better support them when they do discover they are going to have a halfsibling.

CandyCrush77 Tue 03-Nov-15 11:20:54

But does this mean he is going to be even less of a father to them then he already is? He only sees them for a few hours a week as it is. With a new baby in the mix, surely he will see them even less? Will my kids not feel that he is replacing them? That he left them and started a new family? And yes, I was stupid enough to put up with him for as long as I did BUT we were both young (ish) and single whereas this woman has walked into this situation where there are two little boys and an ex wife and got pregnant within 6 or 7 months. Surely she knows there is SOME history there although I can guarantee that my ex has glossed over the fact he had an affair, lied, cheated etc etc. I think it's massively irresponsible. She hasn't spared a thought for my children and what is best for them. Not one thought. In the short space of 4 years, ex has had an affair with one woman who also didn't give a sh*t about destroying someone's family and now moved onto this woman. And here I am picking up the pieces and agonising over if/when it would be right to have a child. What is the point in trying to do things properly, in being considerate and respectful?

wannaBe Tue 03-Nov-15 12:10:41

Op, it's entirely possible that your dc may grow up feeling that they've been replaced by a new baby, especially if your ex ends up having less contact with them as a result or if the lack of contact they already have prevent them from developing a relationship with the baby. But thing is, you can't prevent this from happening. You can only take responsibility for the way you are with your dc, their relationship with their father and his subsequent child/ren/partners has to be his responsibility. Yes if this upsets them then you can be there to comfort them, but you can't prevent that which you have no control over. and equally you can't influence the dc in any way where this is concerned.

I agree that it's bloody stupid to be having a baby so early into a relationship, but reality is that the baby will be happening now, so the thought process can only ever be that, and there will come a point where the thought process turns into a baby, then, and only then, will you know the extent of how the dc will feel about it/relate to it, etc. If the gf is a decent person (and just because he's a twat doesn't mean she is) then she may facilitate a relationship between the baby and its siblings. but if not, many children do grow up in families where one or other parent has had children with other partners with whom they just don't really have a relationship.

CiderwithBuda Tue 03-Nov-15 12:41:07

I think your main problem is that you are expecting him to be a responsible, grown up adult who has planned this new baby taking everything into account. But you already know he is not like that. He has proved it already.

He is in a new relationship and his girlfriend has gotten pregnant and he is apparently not happy about it. So it obv wasn't planned. So I'm not sure there was any planning or thought of your DSes.

OllyBJolly Tue 03-Nov-15 12:52:55

Several of my male friends have had "second" families and are much more engaged fathers than they were first time round. Your two DSs might benefit from that. He isn't having this baby just to cause you so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children It doesn't sound as if it's been thought through at all.

I realise it's tough but it's his own life to lead now. Whether this relationship continues or not it's for him to deal with it. It's not your drama.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:36:58

Why do you think the gf should give a thought to your children and what's best for them? That's your job. I realize that this pregnancy was most likely unplanned, but if it were me, I'd certainly not terminate a pregnancy, or not get pregnant, because of my partner's other children. I'd want to include his children in the pregnancy and foster a good relationship with their new half sibling, but I certainly wouldn't not have a baby because of them. Given the same circumstances, would you have NOT had your children simply because your ex already had them?

You have decided not to have another child because of your own children. It is right that you consider them and that your ex should have considered them. But the gf has no such responsibility. She needs to be kind to them and treat them well. But she doesn't need to plan her life around them.

You can resent your ex all you like. But the gf shouldn't be part of that equation. She's made her own decision that she wants to have this baby. That is her right. If the ex is a shit father or if he's an excellent father to this baby, that's her responsibility (and the chance she is taking). Your responsibility is to smooth the way for your children as they gain a sibling.

CandyCrush77 Tue 03-Nov-15 15:07:19

Yes it's my job but any decent person would of course give it some thought. He should have done but so should she. She is not having a baby with a single man, he comes with two young children who have already been cast aside by him and who this WILL impact. Waiting a year or two can only have helped. And I do think it's a bit shit when people just get pregnant without consulting the other party. And no, I would not have got pregnant such a short time into a relationship with a man with two young kids. I would have waited a decent amount of time to make sure the relationship was stable and going to last. As i said, totally irresponsible.

WhoGivesAFlying Tue 03-Nov-15 15:17:03

Waiting a year or two can only have helped. And I do think it's a bit shit when people just get pregnant without consulting the other party.

But you said yourself that is wasn't planned so that is kind of irrelivent. And what other party are you talking about? If it's her dp then, again, it wasn't planned

WhoGivesAFlying Tue 03-Nov-15 15:19:23

Anyway, what's done is done so all you can do it let them get on with it and just concentrate on your DC. Anything else is really not your concern

purpledasies Tue 03-Nov-15 15:50:07

How could you decide to wait before having an unplanned pregnancy? Isn't an unplanned pregnancy, by definition, unplanned? confused

Or are you suggesting she's tricked him into fatherhood by lying about contraception?

CandyCrush77 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:09:40

Not sure if she tricked him as such but pretty sure she was deliberately careless. Not that hard to figure out birth control, is it? She's not 16.

WhoGivesAFlying Tue 03-Nov-15 16:12:05

You sound like you know her pretty well, what method she was or wasn't using. If she had been ill or on other medication at the time.

Think you need to butt out tbh

CandyCrush77 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:28:11

I need to butt out? I am already "butted out" thank you. These people are doing exactly what they like with no regard to anyone else, let alone a 5 or 7 year old. No, i will not "butt out" thank you. I have an opinion. A strong opinion. On medication = use condoms if you don't want to get pregnant. it says so on the box. presumably she can read.

CandyCrush77 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:30:28

When it comes to my children, I am not going to butt out/turn a blind eye/ condone selfish, crap, irrespponsible behaviour. No I won't. I don't go around having affairs or falling pregnant by someone I barely know. It's called having respect for oneself and others.

Costacoffeeplease Tue 03-Nov-15 16:39:37

You really are being unreasonable now - it is none of your business and you need to calm right down

He is a single man, what he does and who with are entirely up to him. She is nothing to you, and again what she does and who with is entirely up to her

Whether you decide to have another child is up to you and your current partner, if you don't feel it's the right thing then that's your decision

shartsi Tue 03-Nov-15 16:43:04

Candy you sound like you are still in love with your ex. Admit it and try to get over him.

purpledasies Tue 03-Nov-15 16:56:35

Have you honestly never known anyone who's had contraception let them down?

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