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How to get over the loneliness

(24 Posts)
changeoflife Sun 01-Nov-15 08:53:27

Just that really.

Been separated for 3 years now. Have 2 young children, 8 & 4. I'm mid-40's. Work full time. Ex sees the children EOW for an overnight but apart from that I am on my own with them. I can't really afford to keep paying for childcare and even if I could, all of my friends (no exaggeration) are in couples so if they go out they tend to go for a date night, or with other couples. I am never included.

I feel incredibly low. And I feel so trapped by circumstances that I had no control over. This is not how I wanted life to turn out and I want to turn it around but I'm not sure how!! I have such limited time to myself and even when I do I tend to have to do things for me & the children,like shopping or getting errands run as I have no other opportunity to get these jobs done.

Anyone else feel the same?

changeoflife Sun 01-Nov-15 08:57:28

Whoops not sure how I managed to post 3 times!!

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 01-Nov-15 10:02:15

I found I needed to make new friends who hadn't known me in a couple. I did this by joining a choir.

changeoflife Sun 01-Nov-15 11:47:01

Yes I feel that too. I'm just finding it hard to know what to do when I have young children and limited access to babysitters.

Feel like I'm in a rut and just no idea how to get out of it! I'm generally not a pessimistic person but I feel particularly pessimistic at the moment!

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 01-Nov-15 15:40:58

I have an au pair so it makes it slightly easier, but that night is so important to me and actually my mental health that when the au pair is away I bite the bullet and pay for a baby sitter.
Do you do any kind of crafting as I also do crochet and belong to some on line groups which is helpful. Even just doing something for 1 hour a week just for you at home, I have many friends who do adult colouring cheap to get started.

changeoflife Sun 01-Nov-15 16:58:52

I'd love an au pair but can't afford one unfortunately! It would be such a huge help to have another adult in the house.

I do dressmaking in my spare time. Or at least I can dressmake. Sometimes it's just too much to focus on after a busy day at work then running around after school with the children.

I've thought about setting up a Meet Up group for single parents. I might look into that more and see if I get any interest.

EternalSunshine820 Mon 02-Nov-15 22:15:56

hi changeoflife, just to say i'm 33 and can kind of echo what you're saying here. i just have the one dd who is nearly 2 (been on my own since i was 6 weeks pregnant and only phone contact with her dad). i haven't been out of the house after about 6pm since she was born and noone has come to visit. this is despite having family nearby, i moved when she was born because they promised to help out but that hasn't happened.

not sure what to say other than you're not alone. working full time makes it even harder because you don't get to go to any groups during the week where you might meet other mums, plus you feel knackered and have chores to do. in my experience you get just the basics done if you are lucky then you're back to work for another week. it's exhausting.

that one overnight that you have, can you use that? - if there is a club you can join, somewhere (not too expensive) - because at least you have 1 night you can use when you don't need to get a babysitter (at cost)? i have no idea where you live to know what might be available but even a gym session? meetup group? volunteer somewhere? (run a dressmaking meetup?) it might mean not doing certain errands but you may feel better having something to look forward to?

LouiseD8 Tue 03-Nov-15 20:28:30

I have one DD who is 7 and I work full time, and I have to say I completely understand. All of my friends are getting married and having children now. I have recently come out of a long term relationship and feel lost and lonely after bedtime.

You are not alone !! X

megletthesecond Tue 03-Nov-15 21:44:50

I MN or else I go mad. Especially at weekends. I get to chat to other people 2 school pick ups a week, it's a life line.

Flowerpower41 Thu 05-Nov-15 04:02:01

Just wish I knew some interesting single parents in real life so we could share the ups and downs with them - I know statistically they say 1 in 4 are single parents but at ds's school there are 1 in 8 and I have nothing in common with any of them.

Any others I meet end up leaving .... Not my influence I promise!

changeoflife Thu 05-Nov-15 05:41:31

I'm the same flowerpower, except I don't actually know any single parents who live locally to me.

Where in the country are you? I'm on the SE coast.

Flowerpower41 Thu 05-Nov-15 07:59:08

I am in the middle of the country changeoflife.....!

Gohackyourself Sun 08-Nov-15 17:41:36

Just to echoe what everyone else says and give you a virtual hug !

I've struggled this weekend- feel very down in the dumps.on the surface I'm doing ok, but I'm constantly striving to finish "lists" of things to do, washing ironing cleaning etc they never end.
Now Xmas is coming it's another major "list" thing.
I feel utterly depressed by the enormity of all the tasks.


changeoflife Sun 08-Nov-15 18:36:01

It's rubbish isn't it gohack. I find the never ending list of things to do totally overwhelming. My ex breezes in, spends quality one to one time with the children, then floats out again. I wish I could remember what quality time with the children meant. I seem to be running around doing jobs all the time!

I wish some of my still married friends would just occasionally think to include me in their nights out. I know I make the numbers odd but would that really matter? I wouldn't be able to go a lot of the time but I guess it would be nice to be asked occasionally!! I seem to have become a social pariah since my split which makes me feel worse. Loneliness is a killer!

Gohackyourself Sun 08-Nov-15 18:49:58

Yes couldn't agree more.
I've just shouted at my ds to get upstairs as am sick of kids to permanently on, X2 dogs fighting over which of them sitting on sofa-
Just constant noise too, never any peace.

Really lonely tonight.feel like an outcast to family an friends enjoying their cosy Sunday nights too.
Like you say, nobody invites a singleton.
Their dad breezes in 2 nights a week with his gf, taking son to places he never wanted to visit as part of sitting here interacting with mn feeling sorry for myself because I just need adult convo not centred around sponge bob and avengers :-( whoever thought I'd end up where I'm at, was certainly not my intention.
Most days it's ok, but today I've hit a wall.
Off to see doc tomoz to get anti d's to get me through winter and ask for a thyroid test as in just so bloody tired all time.
Could happily get in from full day's work and nap half hr before starting the next discussion on cartoons/homework/dinner etc:-(

changeoflife Sun 08-Nov-15 19:04:51

Don't feel bad, I shouted so loudly at my bickering children today that I've actually hurt my throat.

I am seriously thinking of the best way to try to start some sort of single parents club. I know there is Gingerbread but they don't have anything where I live. I don't know, I just want to be able to be in contact with people in the same situation, in real life!

I sent texts to 2/3 friends this morning asking if they have any free days/evenings to catch up. I have had no replies. I then question myself, am I even likeable anymore? This shit is hard angry

Gohackyourself Sun 08-Nov-15 19:22:44

It is.
Gingerbread is rubbish in my area too.
I have two weekday evenings free-
I was in a pattern of just doing chores on those evenings- I then broke the mould an arranged a few meet ups with friends- but then spent the week regretting it as played catch up...... Argh.
I can't see a win to my situation.i can't change my job as it earns good money, but it's very draining.the hours suit at present-
I'm just so bored and bogged down with it all.

changeoflife Sun 08-Nov-15 19:31:49

How old are your children? Mine are 8 & 5 so all I can see at the moment is another decade and more of sitting night after night by myself with no prospect of change. I work in a low paid job because it suits my circumstances with the children (school hours etc). There is the possibility of a social life through work but unfortunately I can't afford to pay baby sitters regularly so I once again hit a brick wall!!

Gohackyourself Sun 08-Nov-15 19:47:53

Oh bugger that's rubbish .

Mine are 15 and 8- so am kinda done with one in a way- but still full throttle with other! An the age difference causes its own headache.

changeoflife Sun 08-Nov-15 20:02:19

Yes I can imagine it does!! At least mine are close enough in age that they do play together, between fighting to near death!

I suppose I'm stuck in a way. I love my job and it gives me the freedom and flexibility I need with the children. However the pay is rubbish so it restricts my options a lot. On the other hand I could get a higher paid job but then I'd be faced with childcare logistics, the children not with me, plus more outgoings to pay someone to look after them. There is no easy answer and I have to accept I can't have it all ways.

megletthesecond Sun 08-Nov-15 20:11:06

change don't worry, I've had a sore throat by the end of the weekend too. I run out of ideas when they're ignoring me neither carrot nor stick (metaphorical obviously!) works angry. I feel quite broken at the end of a bad weekend.

What I'd like is a lp parenting support group. There's nothing like it anywhere from what I can tell. I even asked our school parent support lady if they could run one. Funnily enough she didn't get back to me, part of me suspects it's because they don't have any answers or suggestions either hmm.

changeoflife Sun 08-Nov-15 20:47:43

See, there must be an opportunity of some sort in amongst this mess to set something up!! I've requested a "start your own group" pack from Gingerbread so I'll see what it says and how to go about setting something up. Generally I am a doer. I very rarely wallow but just recently I seem to be very low about life and the hand I've been dealt. Every one I speak to in rl dismisses me saying "something will turn up" but when I say "but what, how etc" they literally look at me blankly. I know they don't have any answers either but I don't need the false platitudes either if I'm honest!

Gohackyourself Sun 08-Nov-15 22:03:05

That's so true about what ppl say to you.

I'm a doer too, very independent.But I just feel so beaten at present:-(

Flowerpower41 Mon 09-Nov-15 05:12:38

changeoflife I think you are doing the right thing just set up a group yourself and you won't go far wrong.

I don't enjoy single parent groups myself as I prefer one on ones but I don't mind meet up dot com interest groups. My ds is nearly 11 so when he is 14 I will go out for the evening without having to worry about sitters. I simply cannot justify the cost of them either as although it sounds highly professional is naturaly minimum wage and starts with minimum 3 hours so that is £20 straight off without factoring in the cost of the evening. So £40 to £50 for a night out is way too prohibitive for most single parents.

When people say something will crop up they have simply NO CLUE what they are talking about and unless we proact rather than merely react then believe me NOTHING will ever change.

My hands are tied at the moment as ds's father got violent so he isn't allowed to see him unsupervised anymore. We are visiting him and his family at Easter for 4 days but that is hardly giving me a break! At least ds will that way keep in touch with his family since I have no viable ones of my own (parents deceased, no siblings and cousins all way older and very distant and live far).

Good luck!

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