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Dirty sheets at dads

(27 Posts)
ROZ12 Mon 26-Oct-15 11:03:01

Hi all

My daughter came back yesterday after nine days at dads. She was not happy and was sneezing her head off due to her dust allergies. She also mentioned the same dirty sheet is always in the bed she has to share with her half sister. Ther is no duvet cover on
Duvet and she gets really cold. I've mentioned to dad but in denial of course . Daughter is too scared as usual to mention yo
Dad . What should I do? Clean sheets are a must due to her allergies. Dad doesn't comply? Also she went out without coat isn't it common sense? She is 12 by the way. She also wore same best for nine days? I didn't pack her any as dad should have bought her some.

Advice appreciated .

MumOnTheRunAgain Mon 26-Oct-15 11:25:51

He should have bought her some? Why?

Look, this weekend has been very mild. Depends where she was, but really at 12 she can decide to take it or not herself. You could provides sleeping bag for when she goes to her dads. It's an issue which IMO is easily solved. If you want it solved that is

ROZ12 Mon 26-Oct-15 12:12:47

Thanks for reply. But why should I buy sheets he should? It's pretty common sense to change sheets for a child?

Also coat why can he buy one for her? She did want one he didn't have one.

AllOfTheCoffee Mon 26-Oct-15 12:18:18

Does she enjoy seeing him? If not I'd just stop contact, assuming it's nt court ordered. If it's court ordered you should go back to court to try and reduce/stop overnight contact, clearly he is not capable.

Do not buy him sheets, although unless there is a backstory I'm missing I'm not sure why couldn't send her a coat or vests? Of course, having turned up without them he should have provided them, I'm just wondering why you didn't.

I don't send any extras to my Ex-H when he has the children. Anything I do send will be immediately deemed as unsuitable, dirty or ill fitting, so I don't send anything anymore, he is free to buy whatever clothing he sees as suitable.

MumOnTheRunAgain Mon 26-Oct-15 13:37:21

The point is he IS providing bedding. It's just not to the standard most of us would want and expect. There's another child living there. Presumably of living conditions were that bad then there would be some SS involvement

Why didn't you send either vests or a coat? Does she pack her own stuff and forgot? Is that a regular thing?

It's ridiculous to suggest contact should be stopped. Op doesn't have the right to do that anyway. Take this to court and the judge would haul you over the coals for obstructing contact

I get the feeling there's more to this though. A back story?

Bellemere Mon 26-Oct-15 13:38:11

Didn't she take a coat with her?
If sheets are that much of a problem, I would pack some for her to take with her. If it's that important to her allergies then why would you be quibbling about who should buy them? Yes, of course he should provide sheets for his house but if my child was so bothered I would provide them.

The coat thing is silly. She has a coat with you and she's 12 which is plenty old enough to pack it to take with her and decide whether to wear it or not.

If you take this back to court as recommended by a poster above, I would imagine things will just get worse. The court are not going to be interested in a 12 year old who allegedly can't pack/wear a coat and sheets that haven't been washed.

AliceInUnderpants Mon 26-Oct-15 13:41:02

The bedsheets are his responsibility, yes. He should be making sure that is sorted for her, even without allergies!
Why didn't she have a coat with her, though?

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 26-Oct-15 14:32:45

Hmm well my 11 has been changing her own sheets for over a year, so could she not strip the bed and ask for fresh sheets. My 11 year old has been doing her own packing to go to her Dad's for 2 years and would die if I told her to wear a vest. She finally also knows she is old enough to know to take a coat when she goes out.
At this age they need to start taking responsibility for things themselves at this age.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 26-Oct-15 14:35:39

Why didn't she have what she needed to take?

Yes, he should sort the sheets and duvet cover.

AllOfTheCoffee Mon 26-Oct-15 14:51:07

I advised OP to stop contact because she said her daughter was scared to ask for new sheets.

I would not want my children to be cared for by people whom they feel afraid to ask for basics from.

Sorry I should have clarified, of course stopping contact because the sheets are not clean is overkill, but the emotional well being of the child comes before the fathers right to contact, imo.

I'm really shocked at people advising OP to send bedding to her ex-Ps. It's no wonder so many men are over grown children when women are willing to step in and solve something as necessary and simple as clean bedding for them.

MumOnTheRunAgain Mon 26-Oct-15 15:29:06

Op says she is 'scared to ask'..... Maybe it's not fear but just embarrassment or teen angst type stuff. We don't know
I've seen advice offered on many occasions of the 'send a ready bed' type .

This whole op seems bizarre.... Deliberately not sending stuff and slagging the other parent off for not buying it? Seems like it's setting the other parent up, or creating some 'test'. Ridiculous

ROZ12 Mon 26-Oct-15 17:07:28

I'm not deliberately sending stuff. My daughter had five bags that Friday last day of term. It was a mild day and didn't take her coat. I reAlused that evening and texted ex to pick up but he didn't .

Yes she is scared off him always has been no embarrassment or teenage angst . She hates going there and there is an order set when she was 5 .

I just think if I see she is missing something I just buy it . Why doesn't dad? Like vests ?

BastardGoDarkly Mon 26-Oct-15 17:14:07

Right, she's scared of him, and hates going.

That'd be enough for me to stop her going, do you think he'd take you back to court over it?

Surely a child of that age has some input in weather she goes?

BastardGoDarkly Mon 26-Oct-15 17:14:55

9 days is a hell of a long time to spend with someone you are scared of sad

SeveredHeadsDragOnTheFloor Mon 26-Oct-15 17:20:21

I always make sure my DC take what they need to their father's, although I believe he does have some basics there. If your DD only packed one vest, at 12 that is her fault.

The sheet is another matter of course. Bedding should be clean.

Bellemere Mon 26-Oct-15 17:25:45

Roz you continually post similar things; constantly seeking for others to tell you that your ex is crap and your daughter shouldn't have to go.

If it's that bad, apply for a variation. Otherwise, you need to suck it up. I'm sorry, that's harsh, but people telling you to stop contact and hope your ex does nothing about it is just not going to help you or your daughter.

ROZ12 Mon 26-Oct-15 20:19:42

Everytime she comes back it gets worse I realise I have t apply for variation.

Vests we forgot to pack those and I thought her father would have noticed to buy some . Bedsheets bo excuses should be clean .

ROZ12 Mon 26-Oct-15 20:21:09

Sorry he is crap ! I don't need others to reassure me . I like advice from others isn't that what forum is about?

I'm allowed to ask advice.

DressingGown Tue 27-Oct-15 04:47:24

I know it is your ex's job to buy sheets and keep them clean. But he's useless, sadly. When it comes to protecting your child's health, sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and be the bigger parent. Buy sheets, then rant about him. A good rant to friends gets it all out and stops me from expressing negative feelings about my xp in front of dd. But if you're really worried for your child's wellbeing, then it's time for that variation.

Samaritan1 Tue 27-Oct-15 04:57:33

Next time I would send her there with clean sheets, pillow cases and a duvet cover and ask her to make the bed herself. I agree that it's absolutely not your responsibility to provide clean bedding at his house, but if her health is at risk due to allergies then I think you need to be the bigger person.

Ponytailandquiff Tue 27-Oct-15 05:15:01

My dd, same age as yours, complains she is cold at her dads. I know she wouldn't tell him so I send her with extra warm pyjamas and a big blanket.

In your case, I would send her with clean bedding.

Why is she going for 9 days? My dd can only cope with one night.

MumOnTheRunAgain Tue 27-Oct-15 07:56:54

Was it half term there last week? Maybe

ROZ12 Wed 28-Oct-15 12:45:17

Yes it was half term. She hates these long periods of time too.

starlight2007 Thu 29-Oct-15 22:48:03

I am surprised a 12year old is wearing vests.I would wonder why a Dad was aware of what underwear his teen was wearing unless she asks for some...

I agree with Belle.. You do pop up every once in a while with your niggles .. Would I want my DC to have clean bedding ..of course....But you always come across as someone who wants a reason to apply for a variation and for her not to enjoy contact...I am not saying this is the case but simply how it comes across online..

Have you tried talking to your DD about how she could improve things. I agree also my 8 year old can change his own bedding.

AllOfTheCoffee Thu 29-Oct-15 23:50:58

I'm 34 and I wear vests. My eldest wears them too, she's 13.

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