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The other woman has been confirmed

(13 Posts)
FramboiseCoulis Fri 23-Oct-15 21:49:48

Hello everybody

I could really do with some advice!

I'm nearly at the end of my divorce process after nearly 2.5 years, and it's had its ups and downs, but recently things were a lot better. I suspected there may be a female influence on DH, and on our daughter's birthday, he announced that he's with someone. He does not see that telling me on that particular day is a problem or hurtful. .He saw me three times the week before and didn't say a thing, although he had ample opportunity;That might give an idea of how emotionally unaware he is of other people and a source of great stress in our marriage, but it's possible he did it to avoid a scene.

Anyway, he won't tell me who she is, if our daughter will be in contact with her or when he will tell our daughter. He only told me because he thinks our 10 year old might have seen some texts between him and this woman. However, I think it will be soon as he said today that our daughter won't see what goes on in the bedroom between him and the new woman. Let's call her ‘that person’, as he refers to her.

He is giving our daughter a birthday party next weekend and said That Person might be there.

I don’t know why the big secret, unless I know That Person.

I am frustrated with the situation. I am going crazy because our daughter might potentially be left with That Person and he won't allow me to know anything about her, if she has children, where she lives etc.

If you don’t know me, you might think I’m over-reacting, but he is just a stupid motherfucker of a waste of space and I deserve a whole lot better.

To make matters worse, I am in France and cannot take my child to live with me YET (that day will come soon I hope!!) in the UK, so I have to grin and bear all the crap he throws at me. This whole process has been so isolating, to be in another country without family, and yet i've survived thus far.

If any men are reading this, what’s your take, would you announce such a thing to the ex on your kid's birthday?? Was it really that necessary to rub my nose in it?

Thank you for listening.

Pocketrocket31 Sat 24-Oct-15 00:57:19

Surely you need to know a few basics about this woman if she's going to spen time with your DD confused

Icanseeclearly Sat 24-Oct-15 07:13:08

Without the back story my response is let it go. You've been separated 2.5 years, it's not unreasonable that he has found a new partner. You sound really invested in him still, that's not healthy.

tribpot Sat 24-Oct-15 07:47:00

Yes, this doesn't really sound like an 'other woman', presumably you've been separated for years at this point? If you met someone else now would you class that person as an 'other man'?

I think you're hung up on the day he decided to tell you, yes somewhat thoughtless but it shouldn't matter greatly to you after this amount of time - the fact of him having a girlfriend I mean. The whole grand mystery over her identity is utterly childish, however, and seems explicitly designed as a power game to put you in your 'place'.

The best response is to act like you're happy for him that he's met someone else, and note it's time to agree sensible ground rules for partners so that when you also want to introduce someone new it's done fairly. At the moment you're responding the way he obviously wants, with anxiety about something that may or may not ever happen (your dd being left with the mystery woman).

If he is really referring to her as That Person could you pretend you suspect That Person is a man and that's why he's having difficulty confirming his identity to you? Supportively remind him that in this day and age being a gay parent is completely normal and you have no issues with it at all.

SouthAmericanCuisine Sat 24-Oct-15 07:50:22

tribpot That was my immediate thought - that the new partner is a man.

FramboiseCoulis Sat 24-Oct-15 11:52:44

Thank you everybody for your comments, it's good to get other perspectives. I have suspected another woman/man (!) for ages, and felt it was a good influence on him. But I'm bothered by his lack of explanation. I know he will get on with his life, but if our daughter is to be with someone else, surely, surely I should know something about this person? The withholding of information is a way to punish me I think, since I am now asking questions. I want to know our daughter is safe and well looked after.

I think the poster who talked about ground rules made a very good point, it's a good way to look at things. I'm new to all this, but thought we would at last be able to discuss it since he brought it up. Now all i get is 'it's none of your business'. Very sad really.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 24-Oct-15 12:01:57

Tbh I know jack all about my ex's girlfriend, apart from what DS tells me. He's 11 so perfectly capable. I'm sure your daughter will be able to tell you too. I must stress though that DS tells me of his own free will - the only questions I ask him are to show polite interest in the conversation! You'll find out what you need to know from your daughter but make it interesting conversation about what she (your DD) has been up to not an interrogation.

WishIWasWonderwoman Sat 24-Oct-15 12:03:45

Yes I think it is your business if your daughter will be spending time with them. Obviously you don't have to become friends with them but you will need to know their name, basic details, and any relevant information (e.g. if they have children your DD will meet, if they own a dog, if they will be babysitting your DD).

It also sounds like you are having a crap time and your (almost ex) DH does seem to be either insensitive or spiteful in his communications with you. I do think telling you something like that on your DD's birthday was unkind.

On the other hand, it also depends on whether this other person is new or has been on the scene for a long time. In one case it is simple him moving on, in the other case it was a betrayal.

somersetsoul Sat 24-Oct-15 12:04:51

I see your exp and raise you my exp - He didnt have the guts to tell me anything. He got our dds to. They were 4 and 2 when they met and my eldest told me that they were bf and gf. A year later it was my eldest who told me that they were moving in together.

I just laugh at them now because obviously they are scared of telling me! She wont even be in the car for drop offs! Take my advice, laugh at them and enjoy your time with your lo. Being bitter will just make you miserable x

tribpot Sat 24-Oct-15 12:12:21

I'm new to all this, but thought we would at last be able to discuss it since he brought it up. Now all i get is 'it's none of your business'. Very sad really.

It's not very sad - he's being a gigantic twat. I suspect that he deliberately told you just enough about That Person (who for now I am going to call Barry) so that you wanted to know more but is now refusing to tell more in order to keep you on the hook, focusing on him instead of moving on with your life. This is a power game and you need to play it as such.

What he wants is a reaction, so make sure you don't give him one. Act like you couldn't give a shit - that is what will annoy him the most.

FramboiseCoulis Sat 24-Oct-15 12:39:53

It's fascinating to get all this advice, thanks!! My DD is well-grounded and knows her own mind, so I think you are all right, I should wait for the main info to come from her. She has mentioned quite a few women, even visitng one in the south of France by plane (he only informed me the day before).

I'm sure Barry (made me lol Tribpot) will be fine. I did say to him I wish the pair of them the best, but maybe he thinks I'm being sarcastic. I am definitely over him, although I am not in a relationship myself, but am happy in my own company and if Mr Right comes along one day, then great, if not, life's still good.

AliceInUnderpants Mon 26-Oct-15 13:44:16

If he's been seeing her over 2.5 years then surely it'd be expected to spend a bit of time with your daughter? If your daughter isn't living with you, where is she?

SouthAmericanCuisine Mon 26-Oct-15 17:44:46

alice I think the OPs DD is living with her in France, but the OP is unable to return to the UK with her to live.

There are a lot of contradictions in the OPs posts though - so, I may be wrong!

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