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Advice re ex's new (violent?) partner

(9 Posts)
Dominion81 Sun 18-Oct-15 09:12:15

Looking for a bit of advice if you could, hopefully from people who have been in or have experience of similar situations.

Back story first, my wife and I have been separated for 12 months and have an 8yr old son. Pretty mutual separation, she ended it so I moved out but I'm only a couple of streets away, we have an informal arrangement where he stops with me 3-4 nights a week, alternate weekends and I accommodate if she has weekend plans and vice versa. Currently I pay about 50% more than CSA advise, again informally and for the most part it's been working fine.

Yesterday morning I had a knock on the door and it was ex wife, clearly distressed. All she has said so far is someone from work came round (male), there was an argument, he's grabbed her arms and bent them behind her and snapped her phone, which she has shown me and there was some serious force involved. She won't say who it was, although I know, and from speaking to my son he's been in the house when he's there. I suspected she was seeing this guy shortly before we split and have had my suspicions something has been going on since, although he's married, 3 kids etc. However I've no interest who she sees as long as I'm informed before they have any contact with my son.

How do I play this now? This was due to be her weekend with our son, he was with me Friday night, but for obvious reasons he has stayed with me since and is due back today. I can't stress enough that it's not her seeing someone that's the issue here, it's that my son could witness someone being violent with his mum. She says this is the first time anything like this has happened and I've no evidence this isn't the case but there has been a noticeable change in her personality of late and know she is not being truthful about what happened. Clearly this guy has some sort of emotional hold over her and I can't trust that she won't continue seeing him and have him round when our son is there.

Thanks in advance, a concerned father.

Chippednailvarnish Sun 18-Oct-15 09:16:46

You need to get her to inform the police and if she won't you will have to.
I know its easy to say, but I would not be letting my child return to her without knowing thar he wasn't coming back.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 18-Oct-15 09:16:59

Do you think she will be honest if you sit down & talk to her?

All you can do is protect your son, you can discuss this with her if she is willing to listen but if she wants to remain in this relationship there's nothing you can do really.

In your place I'd go for main carer of your child, I would not want my child being witness to an abusive person in the household.

theredlion Sun 18-Oct-15 09:21:19

I would suggest you ask this to be removed to relationships for traffic.

She needs to get the hell away from this man and call the Police, she's been assaulted and it will happen again.

She can call Women's Aid, I'll post again with the number.

If she has injuries a GP should see them, treat them and record them. Take photos of the phone if you can just in case evidence is needed.

You say you have a good relationship with her, will she listen to you? If not do you have any mutual friends or know her friends or family that could speak to her?

As for keeping your son safe that will happen if she gets rid of this man.

In the meantime can you ask to have him for more time while this blows over?

theredlion Sun 18-Oct-15 09:23:06

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

I know she doesn't live with him but then can offer support and advice on the steps to take.

Dominion81 Sun 18-Oct-15 09:49:31

Thank you for your advice.

She is not going to the police and I'm not sure me going direct is going to help if she refuses to cooperate. That said her "sister" (wife was fostered, long story) is a police officer, if she refuses to report it today I'll contact her.

She came round here yesterday evening, I get the feeling she wasn't worried he was going to come back, he was probably back with his wife and kids, but she just didn't want to be alone. Her arms are sore but there is no obvious bruising, the phone is the only evidence she has and she says he only grabbed her arms in order to get the phone ( as though that somehow makes it ok) She isn't being truthful because she won't confirm who did it, even though I know, I also know she's been in contact with him since it happened.

She can be very awkward and irrational so I fear me pushing for custody would get very messy, hence why we have informal arrangements and I pay over the odds as it ensures me good access. Is there an official body I could get advice from, an audience with the queen is easier than seeing Citizens Advice these days.

CherryPicking Tue 20-Oct-15 06:47:35

Please, please go to the police.

You don't need her consent. She's been the victim of a violent crime and you're the closest thing to a witness.

The evidence will disappear very quickly and then it'll be your word and your fears against this man and you'll have no evidence with which to protect your son.

I wish to god someone had gone to the police about my ex.

Lweji Tue 20-Oct-15 06:58:57

I think I'd start with her sister and a talk with the dv unit at the police.
She went to you, though, so it's possible she trusts you more than her sister, who'd probably want to report it.

My guess is that she wanted to tell his family. He may have made the usual promises, but has backed down.
I wonder if she was more stressed about it than the actual violence.
But you are right to keep your son with you for the time being as well.
For advice, women's aid on the police, really. CAB is likely to be next to useless. They are not trained about dv and you'd only get a personal opinion, really.

Who instigated the split? Could she have regrets?

cestlavielife Wed 21-Oct-15 10:40:43

"someone from work" has assaulted her. you know this she came to you. she needs to come clean and report the assault.

until you can be sure this person wont come back and assault her again, dont send your son to stay with her.

it doesnt matter who it is or the relationship - tell her that - but she has to report it.

you know who it is? so report.

keep your son with you.

yes there will be fallout but letting it go will benefit no one least of all your ex.

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