What would you do?

[Flowerpower41]

My ds is 10 and I am a single parent. I do NOT seek a boyfriend/relationship whatsoever I am far too seasoned and put off. I so much prefer my space and indepence.

My son's dad has been violent to him on 5 occasions the past 3 years including slapping his face, pushing him out onto the street near busy traffic in East London, calling him names as well on one occasion. This makes me just sick at heart.

He was violent on 4 ocasions and Social Services were informed. I stopped access for a whole year. Then this Easter ds went down to London and all was well that week, again summer half-term, then in August there was a problem again when he slapped him across the face and pushed him near a busy road of traffic. This isn't on.

I have stopped access altogether. The problem is ds gets on really well with everybody else in his family and he has seen them years and years. I do not wish to relinquish contact yet am sick of things being the way they are. He could stay at his half-sister quite easily who is sensible and loving and kind but she works full-time so it isn't doable as her dad will just roll up and all hell could break loose.

My ex has gone like this since his 4 year old was born. This boy isn't going to go away and now my ex has full time care of him too as the mother doesn't wish to know bar a weekly night at hers. Hence he has his hands full although he has buckets of family support so he is highly fortunate.

He has always paid maintenance on the dot and although not rich pays nonetheless. I have always been pleasant and fair to him. This is so unfair.

What I need to do is have a clean break from all of them for 2-3 years. My only problem is will ds's father continue to pay the maintenance? I have offered him supervised McDonald's meets up here (centre of the UK) since he has a house up here he comes up regularly to visit his tenants and collect post i.e. ever 2 months we could meet up for a couple hours and have a chat.

He is difficult to deal with and shows traits of NPD also just to add to my stresses and strains!!

On top of this I have NO family support, only child and parents deceased and I am the youngest female cousin - everybody else lives either in Suffolk or moved away. We aren't at all close and they arent' with each other either.

I think the priority is to find more single parent friends really. I go to a spiritual group which is great but there is only one other single parent the other side of the city so of course they won't understand whatsoever ....

Where do I get the emotional support I need other than friends? I have nowhere else to turn and as I work at home it is really hard to find them.....

Any ideas most welcome. Really sick of this as I did not deserve this and I was nicely brought up by parents who loved me and I had a healthy upbringing and I do not wish ds to think it is acceptable to slap people's face and call them names and push them outside.

Sorry for such a long thread and thank you for reading!!

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

I think you need to immediately separate the issue of contact and money. It is NOT appropriate for your DS to have contact with this violent, abusive man any longer.

The family contact as a result must go too.

I do see you're worried about ex continuing to pay but you cannot allow your DS in this situation any more.

Gingerbread, the lone parents support charity are excellent....not only do they organise trips, support and advice but it's all free.


www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Please go on their Website now.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

their helpline

0808 802 0925

[Flowerpower41]

Not sure if this is relevant but I have been a single parent since ds was 5 months old when my ex slapped me twice. I am naturally not into dv.

[Flowerpower41]

I don't like groups much but thank you for suggesting. I have already tried Gingerbread up here. I find groups stressful and much prefer one on ones.

[Flowerpower41]

I would also like ds to be in touch with his family later so he can stay at them when he leaves home i.e. it is very handy that they all live in London so in theory he can go and move down there and have education and employment like I did (I lived in London from age 19 to 44). What I mean is he can potentially move down later once he has finished his schooling up here I would be all for it as naturally there are more opportunities there than where we live.

Also it isn't psychologically healthy for ds to have absolutely no family bar his mum although that said I can avoid contact with them for years and years until say ds is 17 and then he can have a year to consider whether or not he wishes to e.g. stay with his sister or live separately somewhere in London. He won't be at risk then as he will be a grown adult nearly and can fend for himself.

They are Caribbean and very closeknit and have always been very nice and kind to ds whereas my English family are all old and cold and stuck up middle class and couldn't be more blase - they are like this to all of us not just me lol.

That said he can wait 7 years to pick up the pieces can't he. Does this sound realistic to all of you reading??

Thank you so much for any input.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

I honestly think that you're getting way ahead of yourself with regards to him possibly moving to London when he's older.

He may not want to. I see you want that as a possiblity but if his family are that nice, then that will always be a possibility no matter what.

I would be encouraging DS to stay in touch with them via phone/email/letter on a regular basis but don't fret about it not being good for DS to only have you in the meantime...many families are based on only 2 people and they're absolutely fine.

[Flowerpower41]

Thank you The House.

I don't see 'many families' where ds goes to school it is a village in an extremely insular location and nobody has no family support only us.

There are also extremely few single parents in ds's class adding to the isolation even more.

Luckily I have met a few here and there but they have a tendency to move away from this neighbourhood. I keep attracting friends who rent and invariably they move .... Of course we do keep in touch.

In the spiritual group I go to there are also NO single parents apart from the only remaining single parent friend I have who goes to it occasionally.

It makes me feel totally on the fringe and misunderstood too.

I fail to see how anyone can understand a single parent unless they too are or have done it, or have got to know a few. However most people don't like to catch the 'single parent disease' so don't bother talking to us much. It is also a case of birds of a feather flock together. So naturally wives/partners will gather in a group and single parents will congregate and so on.

Any more comments would be most welcome.

[wallywobbles]

Personally I would have reported his father to the police. But stopping access doesn't seem to have created a legal problem for you.

I was single mum for 6 years and most of my mates were in couples. I don't think you can just be friends with single mums. I know what you mean about singles disease though.

Do you have a hobby or sport? Does your son? Going to group activities allows you to get to know more people- widen your bases a bit. You don't have to hang with them all.

What about you sons friends parents?

[Flowerpower41]

Thanks Wally I sometimes talk to the childminder she is v supportive emotionally at times although has no grasp of single parenting but that isn't her fault.

I already go to a spiritual organisation and talk to my gay male friend there who I have adopted as a 'dad' lol since he is 72..... However men don't even get their own children let alone single parenting!

Then again that is something we all have to cope with.

There is also a few single parent friends here and there but nobody nearby except for the one friend I see briefly monthly or every 2 months when she can make one of the meetings. However it is better than nothing.

I have emailed ds's half sister who he is very close to in London (the ex's grown up daughter) to say he can't go down and stay for a good few years as safety is paramount. Since she works in a contact centre in theory she should understand this. I have told her we will keep in contact via emails here and there and photos and thanked her for all her support over the years for ds.

I have also emailed ds's father this morning to say if he wishes to see ds then it can be either McDonald's or Costa up here every 2 months or so with a little notice. I have also told him if he is unpleasant to me when we meet up I will have no choice to put in place a contact centre option instead. I cannot take the stress of that toxic man since I recently found out he has NPD (narcisstic personality disorder). You never know what he is going to say or do next and he flies into a rage at the drop of a hat. to be honest I would much prefer he does not even meet up with us but we will see how it pans out ......

I don't talk to ds's friends' parents as they are very life innocent up here many of them - depending on their life experience - and not very streetwise after years and years of London - so they would consequently be out of their depth. The school is in a leafy village you see so not a streetwise location however it is a very good school so that was the priority. Also I really don't want our dirty linen being aired like that ..... I would only tell a fellow single parent unless the topic came up in the natural way of things in conversation.

Exes who needs them!

Thank you for reading.