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Not sure what I'm feeling.

(9 Posts)
Jemima14 Mon 28-Sep-15 21:46:16

Not sure where to even start with this but here goes. I had a very brief relationship with a man in another country, we split before I even knew I was pregnant. It was a big surprise. My baby is 1 now, but I'm almost still in shock if that can make sense. I had to move back home, he wasn't very nice to me or helpful in any way when I was there, I had noone & had to move out of my apt, rent a car to get to the airport etc. He messed me about saying he would come over so we could talk and not show up, that kind of thing. I came home & really had nothing & nowhere to stay, I stayed at my parents but there wasnt really room for me there. He would get in touch, say he wanted to be involved, his child was important to him, it was all about his child etc. And then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. This went on the whole time. I found it incredibly stressful & hurtful & didn't know what to do. We had a big fight just before I was due and didn't speak. Then when my little girl was born, he got in contact again. He was in touch for about a week and then completely stonewalled me. Nothing. I just felt so hurt, like she didn't matter, I didn't matter, he didn't care how we were. I was so sensitive to every time someone would say to me, is she a daddy's girl? or doctors asking about the father, or then any children songs that came up with daddy in them. In my mind, he would not be in our lives, and I suppose I struggled with what that was going to mean for me and my daughter and how she would feel & deal with it when she started to understand that other children have daddies, and she doesn't. I didn't know what I would tell her. Anyway, I feel I struggled alot to battle with those questions and feelings. Then out of the blue when she's 8 months, he sends a text, saying 'hi, how are you'. We spoke for a bit, but he really didn't have anything to say that made me thought he was worth having in our lives, so i told him its best he is not in touch. Then I get a big package from him & his Mum & his mum has then been emailing & wanting to see pictures. I have since kind of entered into this emailing contact with the two of them, sending some vids & photos. On the one hand, I feel its nice to have contact, insofar as, my child when she's older will know she has a father, but he lives very far away, and a grandmother, who send her cards on her birthday & christmas. Thats really all 'I' wanted. Now he has sent another package & 200 dollars. And I have started to feel a little bit more pressured to send photos & vids & if I dont send them they keep asking me. I feel weird about sharing these aswell, there almost private, does that make any sense at all.

Now I have just facebook stalked him a bit & have discovered, in about the last month, he has started to post pictures of my daughter, with messages like 'daddy loves his baby forever' 'its all for her, and its all worth it'. ????

I feel a bit in shock or numb kind of so its hard to make sense of what I'm feeling. I just can't wrap my head around it. He has done nothing to deserve any title of father, and why does he think he can parade it about like he has done ANYTHING, the only thing he has done to date, is fucking ejaculate. He has caused me far more stress & hurt than he has ever helped. I am & I keep giving him a chance to do better or prove himself in some way, but I feel he needs to earn the chance to be in his daughters life.

And now, I've heard him & his mam are going to come and visit. I just feel a bit sick about it. I'm embarrassed I was ever with him & don't even want to introduce him to anyone. But I also feel, like I will have to treat them like guests, (but not staying with me) but making sure they get from airport to hotel, collecting & dropping off, being fed. AND having to spend probably quite alot of time with them, most likely in my home. Sharing my daughter, who is practically this stranger...

So I dont really feel good, but feel so baffled to put words on my emotions, because its such a bizarre situation.

= if ANYONE managed to read all of that (wow & thanks) can you please offer me some insight or advice here.... I would truely appreciate it.

LineyReborn Mon 28-Sep-15 21:49:53

You don't have to do any of this.

Is he on the birth certificate?

holeinmyheart Mon 28-Sep-15 22:05:56

This is very difficult as he is a undeserving pile of irresponsible shite. However your DD will regard him as her Father and will more than likely want to know him. She will eventually find out for herself about him.

However, revenge isn't something that makes people feel good. Yes he is vile but what is more important than him, is you, and how you feel. Don't waste time thinking about what he wants.

I think that you should do what you feel is right for you. You owe him nothing and so you don't have to put yourself out running around after him and his Mum, or entertaining them in your home.
( Although, If you haven't met his Mum, she may turn out to be a very nice person and an ally. )

So NO going to the Airport and No running around after them. They are adults FFS.

Every time they ask you to do something ask yourself ' do I really want to do this? And if the answer is 'NO' , then don't do it.

You can almost forecast that he is going to let you down, so you need to build a life for you and your DD where he is pretty irrelevant.
Hugs xx

InternationalEspionage Mon 28-Sep-15 22:06:16

^^ what she said.

Work out what you want. 200 bucks a year and irregular contact from a long compromising your (ie you and your child's) emotional stability really worth it?

And the FB posts...utterly inappropriate and super - weird. You and your daughter are a close little family. Anyone invading that needs to offer decent added value IMHO. Your ex is a cheeky insincere bastard by the sounds of things.

Honestly, I'd be tempted to suggest that if "it's all for her, and its all worth it" then perhaps he'd be ok to formalize that, for the sake of his precious daughter's wellbeing, in a child maintence agreement drawn up in both UK and his country of residence.

Sorry to be harsh, but he's had over a year to get his shit together and act like a is cheap.

InternationalEspionage Mon 28-Sep-15 22:09:12

Ps that's not to fixate on money, by the way, but it seems to be a pretty accurate metaphor for his treatment of you & daughter in general.

If he's ready to be a father and not let you both down any more, great.

Jemima14 Tue 29-Sep-15 02:15:31

Ladies, thank you so much for your replies. Especially love this quote 'he is a undeserving pile of irresponsible shite'! Thats exactly what he is. I am annoyed at myself that I keep giving chances & in the back of my head I'm saying to myself, well it just took him longer to come to terms with, hes young & didn't know what to do etc. Which I actually KNOW in my heart is not good enough. But its a very hard decision to make to say NO, no more contact you don't deserve it. That is a decision that affects my girl greatly. Not just for him, but his mam, I think she is quite a nice lady. I am acting cool when I talk to them, almost a bit too casually, and that is my fault, but I cant seem to help it. Its like I'm thinking, I have to pretend this situation isn't as fucked up as it is or as akward as it is. Also. I am bruised by how he treated me when I was in the US, and then when he cut all contact when my girl was born. I felt like he thought I was nothing. And (this is so hard to admit that this is how I'm feeling) a huge part of me wants to show him and prove to him that I am not nothing, I am something, and something of worth. (Yes I was in a very vulnerable place when we met also) so I have all that going on......... Oh dear, maybe I'm just so lost.

Baconyum Tue 29-Sep-15 02:26:52

This is insensitive but then so is their treatment of your dd.

It sounds like they're treating her like a 'pet' they've sponsored or one of those undeveloped world remote 'adoption' schemes.

"For $200 a year you will receive regular emails, pics and video of the child you have sponsored" type thing!

I agree, if he really wants to be dad get him to legalise it, God knows its possible to contract anything in USA law! Reciprocal agreement drawn up here before you even contemplate them deigning to 'visit'. Geez do they think they're kennedies?

holeinmyheart Tue 29-Sep-15 13:34:31

Aw... I didn't say you should cut all contact with him. What I said was that contact should be ON YOUR TERMS.
Being nice to him and putting yourself out, and giving him chances is making you feel bad. YOU know why ? Because as you say, he doesn't deserve it.

Soooo, just do what you want to do without feeling guilty. Isn't that what he did?
You have the RIGHT to behave how he has.

I know it is difficult because you are essentially a nice decent human being. Bullies and Shites rely on the rest of us being decent.

So now is the time, not to grow fangs, but to listen to your inner voice.
AS in ' I don't want to do this, therefore I WONT.'

Believe me you are NOt lost, you are just having a bad patch. I think you are a brave honest woman, he is lost , and a pox on him. I hope his bits fall off so that he can't do this again.

CrushedCan Tue 29-Sep-15 23:30:02

I've been in a very similar situation...father lives far away and makes out to the rest of the world his child is everything sends money sporadically sees her once ever 3 months and it was hard very hard like who the fuck does he think he is! However I found it best to say fuck it - take her when you want see her when you want write whatever crap you want online but at the end of the day when your daughter grows up she will see him for what he is - that will either be a great dad who tried his hardest or a crap dad who Swaned in and out her life but let that be her decision not yours as she may in the future ask why she didn't get to see him. Rather than you say I didn't allow it you can give her the truth. I don't know if this even helps I'm just talking from experience. .

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