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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

CSA told me absent father has died

25 replies

SparklingMoon · 27/09/2015 14:34

Hello, the CSA informed me that they will be closing my case because my son's father has died. He was only 38. I feel really shocked that he has died. Is there any way I can find out how he died without contacting his family? I can not find any information about how he died on the internet. I have seen lots of mentions of his death but nothing of how he died. The funeral was 11 days after the death. That's all I know.

OP posts:

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SwedishEdith · 27/09/2015 14:36

If you know where he died, you could contact the local Registrar and get a copy of the death certificate. You'll have to pay a small fee but you can get one.

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BeverlyGoldberg · 27/09/2015 14:43

Was he on Facebook? Or any of his friends that you knew?

I'm sorry for your loss, you must have such mixed feelings for you and your DC

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SparklingMoon · 27/09/2015 16:14

Thank you for your replies. I didn't know if I would be allowed a copy of the death certificate. I think this is what I should do.

Yes he is on Facebook. Lots of sad posts. I have asked a couple of people who posted but they said they didn't think it was their place to tell me. I really don't want to contact his family.

I am sad for his family and sad for my son. His family don't know about my son and my son doesn't know about them.

OP posts:

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AndNowItsSeven · 27/09/2015 16:16

Would it not be possible for your ds to have a relationship with his grandparents?

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ivykaty44 · 27/09/2015 16:19

You can apply for a copy of the death certificate - death could have been felt with by the coroner if it is a sudden death but it is unlikely you would be able to have any access to paperwork as you are not a relative or next of kin

Try local newspapers?

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Whoknewitcouldbeso · 27/09/2015 16:21

Might it be a light in the darkness if his parents knew he had a son?

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FadedRed · 27/09/2015 16:30

Difficult situation for you and your Dc, Op.
Not sure if this is something you have already considered, or even if it is tactful to say this, but here goes anyway.
I have no idea about the legalities here, and there hopefully will be someone come along to this thread who does know, but if Dc's father is acknowledged in law to be his father iyswim, there might be inheritance issues, especially if he died intestate, which at a young age is a possibility?
You maybe need to get some advice about this.

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BrookeDavies · 27/09/2015 16:36

As faded says, your DS would absolutely have a claim under the 1975 Inheritance Act regardless of whether he had a Will. As you were receiving maintenance your claim is very strong. It may not be tactful to think about but now, but it does need to be something that's done reasonably soon. Also just to note, your DS is a next of kin even if you're not.

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ivykaty44 · 27/09/2015 16:41

As a dependant your DS has a right to be provided for and legally there is a strong case that this would fall to an inheritance rather than the government

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clam · 27/09/2015 17:15

How old is your son? Do you know why your ex didn't inform his parents? Would that reason still stand, in light of his death?

As someone else has pointed out, to know they have a grandson might be a source of comfort to them. And, the issue of a possible inheritance, whilst it sounds distasteful, has to be considered. Even though you might not be interested, your son has rights here, and it is your job as his mum to protect his interests.

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Tutt · 27/09/2015 17:21

Was he a married man OP? If not unless there is a very, very good reason then I think I'd be inclined to approuch (gently) his family.

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clam · 27/09/2015 17:29

Or maybe there's a third party who could gently inform them, leave them time to absorb the news and then forward your details to them.

Although the inheritance issue is separate, and you ought perhaps to quietly start making enquiries about that.

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Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 27/09/2015 17:31

Op that sounds horrible, it must be such a shock for you. I'm so sorry for your DS.

A similar thing happened to dh, he was a carer for his Mum who had MS from the age of 9 until he was 15, she got much worse and didn't recognise him, and he was arrested several times for being in his own home as his Mum didn't know who he was.

Due to this, he went to live with his father and his mother's sister and mother organised her nursing home. They blamed dh for having to do this, and for losing money from her house which was sold to pay for her care. They refused to disclose where she was, and I discovered over the internet she had died in 2004. He doesn't even know where she was buried, and if there was anything left of her estate it must have been claimed by them.

You absolutely can get a copy of the death certificate, I hope it will help explain to your son what happened to his father and spare him what dh went through. I hope you might be able to track down one of his friends who might have a chat with DS about his dad without alerting his family? Also check YouTube and social media for pictures and videos of him, it may be painful for you but it would be a chance for DS to see him.
Again, I'm so sorry for you and DS having to go through this.

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Fyaral · 27/09/2015 17:46

Why not contact his parents? Was he married?

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goawayalready · 27/09/2015 17:51

is he on the birth certificate?

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MagpieCursedTea · 27/09/2015 18:21

I got a copy of my Dad's birth Mother's death certificate. I had a pay a fee but I didn't need to prove any sort of relationship to her in order to get it.

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lunar1 · 27/09/2015 19:54

Chances are they know about your ds now, whoever goes through his things will anyway. You need to put your ds first and make sure any inheritance is shared with him.

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clam · 27/09/2015 20:01

Actually, that's a good point. Somewhere in his papers there will be reference to a regular csa payment.

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Artandco · 27/09/2015 20:05

Yep, they will know about the csa payments from bank details when someone looks through them, so presumably they might actually want to know about son?

How old is your son? Did he used to see his father?

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Soloment · 27/09/2015 20:14

Hi op. Does his name by any chance start with a C? If so, pm me

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/09/2015 20:18

Well someone has told the CSA. We may be tempted to think that one department would automatically communicate a death to another department, but that's not how it happens IME.

What a shock for you OP.

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starlight2007 · 27/09/2015 20:20

I would focus on yourselves at this point..

I had to contact police as I thought an accident could of been my exh..I can completely understand your mixed up emotions.

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goawayalready · 27/09/2015 20:21

according to direct gov csa is not covered under "tell us once" so its not automatically informed someone has told them

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megletthesecond · 27/09/2015 22:17

I think that once the bank account is closed it would automatically flag up as a deceased person to the csa, it gets its own code. We see similar banking reports at work, I assume it's just the process of closing a bank account.

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SparklingMoon · 16/03/2016 21:04

Hi, I am so sorry I didn't come back to this thread. I don't know why I didn't I guess I forgot about it because I had so much on my mind.

Thank you to everyone who replied....nearly 6 months ago!!

So here is an update

I went to a solicitor who got a copy of the death cert. Before Christmas it still said death under investigation. The solicitor seems to think something 'sinister' happened.

The solicitor has made a claim for my son. There is currently some sort of dispute going on about his will so nothing is happening at the moment.

Yes he was a married man. I did not know he was married. I had known him for years. We had not seen each other for over a year when he contacted me to say he was single and asked me out for a drink. We were seeing each other for a while. He went away a lot on business. I was suspicious asked him a few times if he was married. He got angry and made me feel bad for asking. Eventually I found out he was married around this time I discovered I was pregnant. There was no big falling out. We stopped seeing each other. He agreed to pay maintenance. We didn't keep in touch. I though one day my son would get to know him. I was shocked he died and regret not telling my son about his father.

His name did not start with a C.

I am so sorry for your dh Coffeethrowtrampbitch. It is very sad for him.

I contacted someone on facebook who is a friend of the family. He said he didn't think it was his place to tell me how he died. I have a feeling it was suicide. I suppose I will find out eventually. I think he had split up with his wife when he died. They have a son together. I am too scared to get in touch with his family as I don't know what they will think about me.

I don't know who contacted csa. His family all say (to his solicitor) that they did not know about me. There are no records of payments being made to the csa. I have given them copies of all my paperwork from csa dating back to when ds was born. Maybe there is a hidden bank account or being paid from someone else's account? He owned one or two businesses. They have requested ds has a dna test.

Sorry I took so long to read your replies. Thank you everyone