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need some advice following seperation(5 Posts)
hello, I'm a single mum of 4 (16 months, 3 1/2, 7 and 10), since begining of July now.
I live in a very secluded, remote, island location which is basically one community spread around a few small villages 2-5 miles apart from each other. we moved here 3 years ago for OHs job, and we were glad to come here as far better area and schools than where we came from. despite living here for 3 years I have not made any real friends, mostly a few aquantancies whigh is a case of small talk around the kids. I've always found it quite secluded (our house is 2-3 miles outside nearest village), which suited me fine - the idyllic life - to an extent. however, when we separated ex left the island and returned to our home town (4 hours away) and hasn't been back since!! so now I am feeling incredibly isolated here. (I'm not missing 'him' separating was definately the right decision) if imy honest I was quite surprised he didn't try to remain close to his children and has made such little effort to see them... anyway...
I have been thinking recently whether I should consider relocating back to my home town. this would mean uprooting the kids and changing schools. their current school is great small classes nice kids good friends etc. and they have so much freedom, we have a lovely big house (private let) and zero crime. only problem is that as I have zero support here we are not able to benefit fully from our surroundings, it's a 'we all go or nobody goes' situation and obvs that is a tough stretch for 4 kids aged 1- 10 - especially as some of their activities can be a half hour drive away on an evening... Also it is a very expensive place to live, everything is dearer - fuel, food, housing etc. there is no childcare here, only a handful of (full) childminders - i cant afford not to work.
if i moved back then I could still find a decent school which would probably offer after school activities or music tuition etc at the school which isn't on offer at current primary school. I would have my friends close by whor children are of similar ages to mine. the childrens grandparents would be close by too as would my sister and the childrens dad too (assuming he's going to get his finger out and be involved). I would have childcare options and flexibility to work also. however the children would be in a more built up area - where the schools will be at least 2 to 3 times the size of what their used to and we would have to live in a 3 bed house (currently in a 5 bed) due to the availability and affordability of the rental market.
please, I would be so grateful for anyone's opinions on this or even what you would do or if you've been in similar position... I'm literally chasing myself in circles and could do with some outside prospective!
and sorry for being so long!!
Imho yes head home as the isolation will feel harderbtge further you go through the divorce BUT ime if that's how he's behaved in the immediate aftermath of the split don't expect him to be a good separated dad.
My own personal experience and that of friends following a split shows dads tend to be one or the other. Not interested from the beginning and even less so as time goes on or great right from the start, pay maintenance without needing chased, focus on what's right for the kids, see them regularly and makes an effort with them.
Sorry as that will be hard to hear. But its what I've observed over the last 15 years.
thank you for your reply baconyum, your right, Im not expecting much from him as he's even refused to contribute towards them financially and basically trying to regain control over me using the kids. if i relocated it wouldn't be because of anticipated support from him. as disappointing as it was I realised this not long after we split.
I feel that moving and having my friends and family would be beneficial for me, and hopefully the kids. but my dilema comes when I think about what i would be moving them away from, its the setting for a perfect childhood and they do love it here. would it be selfish of me to take them away from here to somewhere I know isn't that good... just to make my life a bit easier? I guess I'm worried of doing the wrong thing xx
Worried about doing the wrong thing is the perennial parental struggle. Where you are now might be idyllic while they're primary age what about when they're teens? What about when they leave for uni possibility to a big city and have no street smarts? There's pros and cons for everything.
move for you to you friends and family. that will benefit you and therefore your kids. you can then drive out to countryside on weekends when you need to get some rural idyll in your veins.
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