DD8 doesn't want to go to stbxh

[LL0015]

In early summer, DS5 didn't want to go, he had separation anxiety, was bed wetting and wouldn't go to school without crying which was all new.

I worked hard and got him through this.

Late summer, DD doesn't want to go.

stbxh has EOW access, not divorced yet, he lives with OW but she isn't the problem directly to the children. I think she is the problem indirectly that he bows to her desires etc and has changed his personality. He also looks so different, full beard, long hair. It's been 2 years since he left.

I don't want to drip feed, but don't want to make this really long.

At age 8, should I make her go? If she stops going, her brother will too.

I feel slightly responsible. Around 6 weeks ago on my weekend, I mentioned without thinking that I don't like my dad (it was at the dinner table, I was telling them about how strict my dad had been about table manners). DD head whipped round when I said it.

But on their last visit, she cried and wanted to come home early. He had told them off. Don't want to make this too long to elaborate.

She's pretty quiet and a non chatty child. It's hard to get any real info out of her about her feelings. But she has sobbed Thur for an hour. Fri for 30 mins before he collected and I've had him messaging all weekend that she is crying and not eating and wants to come home.

So I came back home early (at my boyfriends an hour away) and he knew my eta, but stbxh is now 'just leaving the shops'. Where's the urgency gone

[Bellemere]

You need to encourage her. His appearance is utterly irrelevant and people often "change" after relationships end. You say yourself, if she stops, her brother will stop going as well. At 8 and 5 they are far too young to understand the implications of losing a relationship with their father.

As her parents, you need to get the bottom of what she's upset about and then work together to solve the problem. Stopping contact is never the answer unless the children are at some kind of risk.

[starlight2007]

I can say my Ds (8) has an opinion on what colour I should dye my hair...I tell him it is my hair and I can do what I like with it.

I agree though this is something that needs working through.

Maybe dependant upon how you are now..could you sit down as the 3 of you and let her talk about her problems about going..So you can find a way forward together.

[LL0015]

Thank you
I don't think his appearance change is the reason. She won't tell me why she doesn't want to go. We've both told her we're not getting back together but she seems to want that.
I have done everything possibly to make her stay. Her dad is messaging me saying she needs to come home.
I feel he's giving in too easily and I'm trying to fight for the relationship.
But I don't have one with my father.
And that's why I'm overthinking this she might not want one too.