Overbearing Grandparents

[Teenagermum1979]

Hi,

I'm new to this but I just need a rant / some advice.

I have 2 children - 14 & 12 and I'm on my own with them and have been since they were 18 months and 2 1/2. My family - Mum, Dad, Brother and Sister have always been involved and very helpful. I have struggled at times following the break up with their dad - he cheated and that left me with a lot of issues - and have always appreciated their help and have at times needed my mum and dad in particular to step in and help with discipline etc when I didn't have the energy to!

Now they're older, I have got over a lot of my upset and issues about being a single parent (and with my own low self esteem) I have a great job, house (albeit across the road from my parents), boyfriend and a great social life. However, I find that my Dad in particular undermines me and tries to make me feel guilty at every opportunity. I'm 36 but he lectures me constantly about what he thinks I should be doing with the kids etc. the issue is compounded by the fact that he has bipolar and can be quite hurtful towards me (it's only really directed at me) at times and also that my daughter who is 14 has moved in with them because she didn't want to live by my rules.

I feel like my life is moving forward and on all other respects I am happy. My boyfriend and I are thinking of moving in together in the not to distant future and I want us to create a life and a home for ourselves without my dad influencing decisions etc. He has already tried to undermine my relationship at the beginning but thankfully it didn't work. Saying all of that my dad can be very kind and would do anything for anyone but it's almost like he expects whatever he wants in return and it isn't unconditional.

I could go on with examples but I won't. I just wondered if anyone else had any similar experiences or advice. It would be greatly appreciated.

L x

[PuggyMum]

Sounds similar to my FIL. He likes to be 'the boss' of the family and thinks cos he's older / has more money / knows everything we all have to agree with him. Despite the fact he is often wrong!

Fortunately for me and dh he lives 250 miles away! In small doses we can ignore it but not if he was just over the road!

I'd say just live your life your way. Make sure your dd knows she always has a place wherever you may be.

[Teenagermum1979]

Thanks for the reply.

I think about moving but I love my home and in many ways it is nice to be close by but I guess I need to be a bit stronger and enforce some boundaries. It's just hard because he knows what to say to make me feel awful about myself again and I don't always protect myself against the emotional side of it!

I wish my daughter would come home and then it would be easier to do so but whilst she is there I feel I 'owe' them x

[PuggyMum]

I wonder if he'll transfer his ideals on to her and she'll prefer your rules!!

[tormentil]

Hello TMum,

I can relate in that the father of my children died when DC were 12, 10 and 7. I needed a lot of support for quite a while afterwards and accepted it for the sake of the DCs, but at the same time I had to cover a less than adequate relationship with both my own parents and my in-laws. As in, I had different ideas about bringing up children than they did.

It was extremely stressful - constant situations where the conversation went something like, 'we don't really approve of the decision you've made re the DC, tormentil, but we will still support you'. I felt split in two and as though I couldn't really call my family my own - yet it was all done in the name of 'support'. I also felt that i had to allow my DC to have a relationship with my parents and DPs family.

Looking back, I know I couldn't have gone it alone. Still experiencing the ramifications now.

So, no advice really - it's a tricky situation and I understand what you are trying to say.

[ImperialBlether]

What happened that made your DD think she would live elsewhere? I would be furious if my parents made it easy for my DD to do this. She should be abiding by your rules or rebelling in the normal way, not living elsewhere with people who pander to her and put you down!

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

How have you allowed Dd to move to GPS? You are her parent and you need to step up and get her home. Are you paying her keep? who's taking her places paying her lunch money etc? Is she getting the best of both?

Then you need to set up some boundries having a live in boyfriend would help as you will have some support.

[Teenagermum1979]

Thanks for the replies.

The situation with my daughter just got out of hand really. She very intelligent and strong willed which I admire about her but as her parent it's quite hard work! The catalyst for her moving across there was that she has for a long time had a huge problem with me drinking diet coke - she read an article about the 'dangers' of it - and she started making my life hell about it, shouting at me, hiding cans if I bought them into the house and then when I refused to stop drinking at altogether she said she had a major tantrum and stomped off across the road. I've attempted to get her to come home but she refuses unless I give up but I'm not going to do that because a) I'm a grown adult and b) I'm sure she will find something else to be unhappy about once I do and I'll have made a rod for my own back! She was very difficult to live with before she moved out - calling her brother names and screaming and shouting all the time ????

I think she does have it easy across there because she has always been my dad's favourite being the eldest and only granddaughter and she is spoilt. Also my mum is quite happy to make her meals, tidy up after her whereas I, as a FT working mum make her do her fair share of the jobs around the house, which she claims is 'neglect'. I can't win!

[meglet]

similar problems here. I thought it was me being crap for a long time but had a good chat with a work colleague who also struggled with her parents taking over when she was a LP.

I find it very difficult to spend time with my family because they undermine and comment on my parenting, it means I have no confidence in any decision around them . totally screws the dynamics up and means the dc's ignore me.

was meaning to wander onto the stately homes thread in relationships for some solidarity.

[Teenagermum1979]

I'd quite like to have some kind of resolution to the situation or at least a plan before my boyfriend moves in as I don't want it to cause problems between us x

[ImperialBlether]

She's right about the Diet Coke, though! It's really bad for you. Not as bad for you as an argumentative daughter, but still pretty bad.

[WeAllFloat]

Um, why not quit the coke? I think it's strange that you allow a child to live away from her mother on the strength of wanting to have diet coke! She was worried about you, and, if you do quit, then you have carte blanch to tell her to quit anything bad in the future.

[ImperialBlether]

You could always drink it when she's in school. It seems odd that a child should care so much - is she really into health or do you drink a hell of a lot of it?