How involved is the ex's other half?

[hmmmcupcakes456]

Evening everyone...
Hope I'm not the only one at a lose end on a Friday night now the children are in bed. I have been reading on here for a long time but now feel I could use the advise on here.
Do any of your ex's new partners do any of the pickups/drop-offs and any communication with you?
I have recently put a stop to this and wondering how reasonable I am being?

[Bellemere]

My ex's partner does sometimes. She was the OW though it's been a long time and she has been a good stepmother. I don't think there is any right or wrong answer. I made a big effort with her, despite her being the OW because I didn't want my children caught in the conflict between the adults.

[twirlypoo]

My ex left when I was pregnant and his current lady found out he had a son with me when he was 5 months old. She obviously was very hurt but she said some horrid things about my son that I have found very hard to forgive. Shehas never met him, but given that his dad only sees him once a month at my house then that isn't that strange. She sent a birthday present last year though and I sent a thank you card in return.

So, basically, not involved at all - but then neither is his dad really. I feel sorry for her if I am honest, it must be hard for her.

[catzpyjamas]

Hello, step mum here (though never the OW).
I have always done some pick ups etc, from ex and from school. DSS was partly my responsibility when with us . He's an adult now and I just drop him off at the pub now.

[holeinmyheart]

What I think would help you, is to ask yourself the following questions.
Do I need help with pick up and drop offs?
Am I preventing letting my ex 's GF help because I feel resentful about what happened between Us x
If you are in fact cutting your nose off to spite your face then I do think you ABU.
What is important is the wellbeing of your children. If it would make life easier for them if you all get on, wouldn't it be worth while making the effort?
What is the alternative? You remain angry with your X. Your children will sense your feelings, they will then be put in the position of choosing where their loyalties lie. Even at 3 or 4 years old they become adept at doing it. It makes life very hard for them.

Unless the GF has shown herself to be feckless and irresponsible....... Then that is a different matter.

It is very hard to behave well when you have been hurt and I sympathise. But doing the right thing is rewarding.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Ex's partner was the other woman, but that is not the issue for me. She is an alcoholic who has verbally abused DC so his contract with DC is subject to them never, ever being alone with her.

[yellowdaisies]

My ex's new partner (wife) does absolutely nothing for my DCs, on principal I think that they're not her job :( . It's not helpful and irritating at times (eg DD lost her key, couldn't get in to ex's house, couldn't get hold of ex on his phone, and couldn't call his DW because she doesn't even have her phone number)

I have step kids myself and so quite a lot for them, including occasional pick ups, usually at times when it's easier for me than for my DH for some reason. I leave most of the communication to my DH, though and would only call myself if there was something urgent.

I can't see why you'd need to put a stop to your DP's new partner helping out unless you think she's a danger to them, or your ex is completely taking the piss and leaving her on her own with them for most of the time they're in his care.

[hmmmcupcakes456]

I have not seen ex since about feb, she does all of the pick ups and drop offs. We communicate through a group message on text which he never responds on. She is cold with me when I do have to see her, doesn't make eye contact and acts like she's doings a favour!

[hmmmcupcakes456]

I would have no issue with this if she was pleasant I always smile and say hello but I'm tired of doing it

[yellowdaisies]

Sounds like it's the lack of communication with your ex that's the main problem. What happens if you try to contact him directly? Email?

[Finola1step]

In the situation you described, you're quite right to put a stop to this. I see no harm in the ex's new partner doing the odd pick up from school etc to help out her own partner. As long as the dc are safe that is.

But when it becomes the default position? No way. The dc's contact should primarily be with the other parent. If that parent can't be arsed, then contact ceases IMO.

[Micah]

I don't communicate with DH's ex in any way. I have never done pick ups or drop offs, that's up to her and DH to arrange.

Dh actually prefers dealing with her new partner (the OM in the split) as he's more reasonable than she is! He will often pick up/drop off.

I think it's up to you. If you don't want a relationship with her don't have one.

[willyouwontyou]

I'm a SM and I have never done any PU and DO. At the beginning I would have been willing (as exW doesn't drive DP does all PUs and DOs) but I was told that if I happened to be in the car with him he was to park round the corner as exW didn't want to see me (and no, I wasn't the OW, I was his first relationship after the split who he actually introduced to SDC). There have been occasions where it would actually have worked in her favour for me to be involved (e.g. where she has asked to change a time and DP can't do it but I could have) but she cut off her nose to spite her face as far as I'm concerned.