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My partners ex wife is running circles round us

(11 Posts)
natashasch Thu 13-Aug-15 14:41:17

I have been with my partner for over a year. He was previously married and has 4 children from that relationship. His now ex wife had an affair with his best friend 5 months after they had got married, and virtually destroyed his life.
Now we are in the situation where one of his children lives with us, and my 2 children. His ex wife has very little contact with her daughter, only seeing her when he collect/ drops off the other 3. We currently have the other 3 children every Saturday, and overnight alternate Friday's.
The ex wife is very controlling when it comes to us having the children. She won't always turn up at the agreed time to collect them, even though he only meets her at the end of her street. Last night DP said he would drop the kids off at 7.00. She complained that the week before he had had them until 7.30. Normally he has them until 6.30, but since it is school hols, he has had them a bit later, and that was his idea. Anyway, she didn't up until 7.30. Obviously when she turned up he asked her why she hadn't turned up at 7, and there was an argument. Nothing major at all. Today he has a phone call from the police saying he was being aggressive towards her. He is the least aggressive person I know !
In the past DP had to work on a Saturday morning, and asked if he could collect the kids an hour later than normal, but she dropped them into his workplace, and he had to contact his Dad to drive in and get them.
We had them over Easter for a couple of nights, and we were supposed to drop them back at lunch time. On the morning we were due to drop them back, we had a text saying that she was just leaving London so probably wouldn't be back in time. London being over 5 hours away, there was no way she would be back, and she would have known this. She finally rang us 4 hours later than planned to say she was home.
We don't mind having the children for extra days/ hours, but we are sick of her playing games.
How can we get her to stick to agreed times ??

Dothetwist Thu 13-Aug-15 14:48:06

You need to get names removed from your post to protect your identity.

I would consider going to mediation so that a clear schedule is set out with set times and days. This will avoid any need for further argument.

natashasch Thu 13-Aug-15 14:59:38

How do I edit my post ?
Mediation has been done in the past, but I think she enjoys being in control. She would have been sat in her house last night, knowing full well that we were waiting for her. She just doesn't care.

starlight2007 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:40:48

Firstly report your own post to get names removed..

Secondly if you think it is a game , don't play it... Carry on the way you are..Don't let her know you are annoyed that she is late.

Could you try a schedule of EOW..Depending on distance then you could collect and drop back at school avoiding any of these issues..

natashasch Thu 13-Aug-15 15:51:51

It isn't practical to pick up or drop off at school as we both work. It is not reasonable for us to have to sit around waiting for her to decide to show up. We have 3 children living with us full time, one of them hers ! We often have places we need to go, and she is frequently messing them up. We try to be reasonable with her. We had them for an extra night last weekend, so had them Friday and Sat night. Their Dad had said to his ex on several occasions what time he was going to bring them back on the Sunday. We then got a text on the morning saying she would be late as she had plans. She said she had never agreed to the time he had suggested, which thinking back was technically true! But she didn't say that the time was a problem either. Just fed up. she is constantly demanding we have the 3 kids for more and more time, and yet in the last year her daughter who lives with us, has only been round for tea at her Mums house twice ! Her daughter asked if she could go to her Mum's for Christmas dinner and was refused !

FortyCoats Thu 13-Aug-15 15:59:16

Refusing to let her daughter go for Christmas dinner? Odd! What's the back story?

If she replied to this thread or started her own, what do you think she'd say?

QuiteLikely5 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:59:49

What a stupid woman she is. I would refuse to have the children until she got the message that her approach was out of line.

Yes that means you won't get the kids for a week or two but it will teach her a lesson and be better for the DC in the long run.

FortyCoats Thu 13-Aug-15 16:02:35

Refusing the children would be the last thing I would do. You think she wouldn't tell them, you'd refused? Bet your ass she would. Kids don't need that shit. Take the DC and set up more mediation or a court order. Leave the kids out of adult bickering.

natashasch Thu 13-Aug-15 16:59:40

The daughter that lives with us is hard work and can be a bit of a drama queen, but is mostly her age. Her Mum finds it hard when she goes over as there are a lot more arguments in the house. We manage with 6 every Saturday, which isn't easy, but we do our best.
She took the other 3 who live with her to France for a day a couple of weeks back. She told the daughter who lives with us that she could go if we got her a passport in time. She went to France during the next week. We stood no chance of getting a passport organised and she knew that. She wouldn't even give us her birth certificate so I had to order a copy, which I have done in case we decide to go abroad in the future.
I really don't u deist and her as the things she accuses us of, she does herself. I think that what annoys me the most.
We know she tells the children who live with her that their Dad doesn't want them. She calls him horrid things in front of them as my other half has witnessed this himself.
I did suggest that we don't collect them on time this Sat to teach her a lesson, but we know she simply won't be at home when we take them back. We just cannot win. We also thought about not collecting them at all, but we are fairly sure she will try to leave them somewhere like the grandparents. She has physically attacked my other half in a supermarket car park in front of the children, and encouraged the kids to shout obscenities out of the car window at their Dad. She really is classy.
My other half is a good, honest caring man, and is trying to rebuild his life. She left him, and is meant to be getting remarried soon. She still seems to enjoy causing upset for my other half. We just want to get on with our lives.

FortyCoats Thu 13-Aug-15 18:56:06

Just wanted to get an idea of her side because refusing her dd for Christmas seemed strange. Having read your last post, she just seems like a horrible, vindictive person.

It's a sad fact that the children who reside with her can easily be turned against their father by her. She obviously has no problem causing her own children the kind of hurt that will last into adulthood most likely. I suggest a court order, less contact with her and don't feed the arguments in the meantime.

Kids aren't stupid. They figure stuff out long before they have the verbal skill or vocabulary to verbalise it. Let her make her own bed. Show them how a rational adult behaves. They'll learn more from your example than her words.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 14-Aug-15 12:02:52

collect the children as normal. agree a time to drop off, preferably by email. (or text) ie ask when she would like them back. wait for her at agreed time. text that you are now at the agreed place and they are free to be collected. text again 15 minutes later sating you have to leave in 15 minutes unless you hear from her. text a reminder with five minutes to go, then leave at 30 minutes after drop off and let her do the chasing. do something nice with them while you wait for her to get her shit together and collect. I suspect she will accuse you of taking them without consent which is why you must text/email. have you any means of proving where you were? (aps that track exercise or something?)

if she will not agree time, you will have to email and state that as she is refusing to confirm collection time you will assume collection time and place are as the usual one you use.

keep all communication to written. and back everything up on as many devices you can.

you dp has to make a lot of extra effort to tell the children he loves them and wants them. you do too. you have to tell them how much you love going to the park with them/having tea with them/ anything they do to help hpow appreciative you are. you need to do this to counter the negatives they are getting about you all from their mother.

(I love having you here , you are so much fun)

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