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So hard to cope with teens alone especially as I'm letting them down

(16 Posts)
mojo17 Wed 12-Aug-15 18:42:47

I can't phone exh about the dcs as according to him, "they're not like that with him" sigh
It's so hard to cope with what I have come to realise are my selfish teens on my own.
I told them at the beginning of the year that I would have to sell house and move an hour away if I can't find a job here. They hated the idea saying that this is their home even though their dad lives here too, which means they would still have a base here, so they made me promise that I would try hard to find work. I haven't found work so I have sell the house or lose it.
Ds is distraught, I had to tell ds over the phone so can't really tell about him though dd says he is more upset than her. I am upset that I have let them down about the job/ house
But I do actually want to move now, nearer family and boyfriend.
How do I smooth the waters wheni feel as though they hate me now

mojo17 Wed 12-Aug-15 21:36:12


meglet Thu 13-Aug-15 07:59:26

bumping for you. I've not reached the teenage years yet. it's hard isn't it thanks .

foslady Thu 13-Aug-15 08:17:03

Please don't tell yourself you're letting people down - you're doing your best in up hill conditions. You're trying to ensure a roof over their heads, more than their father is. Mine isn't at this age yet, and it's a constant worry of mine (and I expect most lone parents). You have, I'm sure achieved a lot since you've been on your own, but it's too easy to forget those triumphs when 1 thing you can't see an end to overpowers them.

I wish I could offer more practical help/advice - but please try and be kind to yourself thanks

mojo17 Thu 13-Aug-15 08:47:08

Thanks foslady I will try to be kind to myself but I'm getting the gut wrenching feeling and can't face them at the moment and I need to tell them the estate is coming to value and I need to start packing and that will be explosive I think
I dunno, life is hard atm trying to find work, putting the house on the market, managing my dcs disappointment and disapproval.

sumoweeble Thu 13-Aug-15 16:21:49

Aww. So sorry you're going through this. It's really tough. I have a similarish sounding situation- I'm moving my teenagers and their little sister to another city a couple of hours away, mostly for affordability reasons but also because I want a fresh start after a traumatic split with their dad. They are furious with me! Understandably. As they see it I'm moving them away from their friends, father and family home completely selfishly- they don't see (or won't admit) any nuances to the situation at all.

But despite anger, fear, sadness, complete rejection of all my (reasonable) explanations and doing everything possible to sabotage the sale of the house, they also seem weirdly comforted by me holding the line and being willing to make tough decisions on behalf of the family. I think you have to take the hatred, accept it, and hold it for them a bit, maybe, and show them that you can do that without collapsing under the strain. If you collapse it gives them too much power. I think at the end of the day they feel safer with someone being in charge and saying: "This is what we are doing and how it's going to be. These are the bits that are non-negotiable. I know you don't like it and I'm sorry you don't but it's the way it is. These are the bits where you have some choices. What do you want to do?" And try not to hate them back... Does that make any sense? I still feel very muddled and worried about the whole thing at times so probably not!

mojo17 Thu 13-Aug-15 20:07:27

Oh my goodness sumow thank you for your kind words I wouldn't have known someone else who could empathise that much with me
Sounds as if you are nearly through it, have you moved yet?
What do you mean about sabotaging your sale?
The ironic thing is they don't officially live here full time anymore, one is in Uni and one is working in The place I want to move to anyway. But "this is our home!"
How do you take the hate and be strong in the face of tears

sumoweeble Thu 13-Aug-15 22:06:34

I don't know how you do it really- with great difficulty! Teenagers are absolutely brilliant at making their parents feel shit.

I suppose just knowing that it really is the right decision for me emotionally and (I hope!) a solution to some of the practical problems we are facing (e.g. finding a way to be financially solvent and keep a roof over all our heads) is important. In some ways we don't have a choice (like you we have to move or lose the house) and in others we do and I am making choices they don't like. For example, they would prefer to move right to the outskirts of our current city which we could maybe just about afford but I have said no because I would be miserable- it would still take us far away from our support network but also add a massive commute to my day, be a lot more expensive than the city we're moving to and imo is a very grim place to live with none of the benefits of city life that we all enjoy. So I have to remind myself a lot that my needs are important too and if I don't structure things to give myself a chance of managing and enjoying my life we'll all be screwed. When they're adults and bringing home enough bacon to support themselves they can make their own choices. Which is not to say their feelings aren't genuine and understandable (and difficult for me to hear without feeling shit) but still... I try and listen and empathise without crumbling too much. Easier said than done.

Their sabotage attempts were awesome! Rooms completely trashed and disgusting just before estate agent visits, refusing to help me paint over their graffiti (or anywhere) etc etc. But we were v lucky as the house is in one of those areas that has suddenly become desirable and we got a good offer within a day of it going on the market. I've got a job in the new city too so just have to complete/exchange and pack (dreading this!) and find a place to rent in the new city now. They've definitely become more accepting and (slightly) less hostile as they've watched me put the plan into action. They know it's happening now.

I wonder if your teens will be similar and become more reasonable as you forge ahead? I think a part of it with mine is that they increasingly realise that their "tantrums" aren't going to work as they see things progress. Whereas when all this was first being mooted both they and I had every confidence that I would never be able to hold out against their anger and sadness, particularly as I feel so guilty about the way the break up and other very difficult family events have affected them.

How old are your guys?

mojo17 Thu 13-Aug-15 23:08:30

Oh my how long has this been going on sumow? It sounds tough
I have a feeling that I won't be getting a lot of help with de cluttering, patching up, painting their graffiti either!
Mine are 20 and 18 so adults really but they say that this is their home even though we only moved here eight years ago after my divorce.
What I think is happening is that they are again perhaps getting that de stabilising feeling post divorce again but I need to move and I don't think I am handling it very well
I am trying to play it down and giving minimum information but maybe I should involve then more, but every time it comes up its upset and tears. I have only said it twice though perhaps it needs to sink in more
You sound as if you've been through a lot, how old are yours and did they have any I put into choosing the new house?

sumoweeble Fri 14-Aug-15 00:13:51

I bet they will come round as they get used to the idea and it sinks in. I do think it sounds like you're doing the right thing if work and support and boyfriend are all in the new place. I think it's hard for teenagers/young adults to accept that their parents have needs and lives sometimes.

It's all been going on too long at my end! Partner and I were having problems, then he had a terrible and very disabling stroke 18 months ago. And things went from bad to worse. But the end of the beginning bit is in My teenagers are 16 (twins). I haven't got a new abode yet but will certainly try and involve them in choosing.

mojo17 Fri 14-Aug-15 01:16:31

Wow sorry to hear about the stroke and very glad it's all coming together for you all
I will just have to tell them more but it's hard as they are not around a lot so can't just casually talk over tea one night. I have to first phone one then the other and steel myself for the recriminations.
Exhausting especially as i now realise I have been trying to protect them from bad things by telling them things in stages where I should really tell them everything in one go.
Who knows?
How long did it take for you to feel yours turned the corner so to speak?

DarkEvilMoon Fri 14-Aug-15 01:59:45

mojo - i think that it is something non-teenager about this too. My folks said that they were selling their house and moving. And I was veryshock and sad about it. The decision logically is for the best, but emotionally it was a bit of a shock. It comes down to the fact that people don't like change. I don't hate my parents for selling, I am no longer sad about not being able to visit the childhood home. But there was an adjustment period. And I was in my thirties, and not lived at home for over 10 years at the time blush.

Change is hard, hopefully your dc will come to terms with it sooner rather than later. But you are not letting them down and they should eventually see it.

mojo17 Fri 14-Aug-15 08:20:21

Thank you Dark
I am hoping that's more like it, I felt similar when my parents moved and I didn't automatically get a bedroom in the new house. But I am keeping their bedrooms for them.
but they have also told me that when we moved here I promised that we would never move again
I don't remember saying that, I possibly could have said we won't be moving until they leave school but I really have no memory of this promise.

Higheredserf Fri 14-Aug-15 08:37:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mojo17 Mon 17-Aug-15 01:50:04

This is probably the first big serious thing to happen to them since the divorce and rightly or wrongly I feel as though they're going to hate me
I feel they feel I am alienating them because I have a boyfriend now and I haven't told them I want him to move in with me yet
You see that's me thinking I'll soften the blow by telling them one thing at a time. So that's going to blow up in my isn't it
Oh well

cestlavielife Tue 18-Aug-15 14:13:26

imagine it from their point of view and how they telling their friends - it just sounds like a teen tantrum right ?
"mum is moving house to xx place. and i am so upset because this was my home! and even tho i am moving on i am so cross with her!"

be confident in what you are doing for you, really it wont hurt them if you move house! presumably they will still have a place in your new home?

just ignore the teen angst, repeat calmly that this is what has to happen, this is what is happening, that they will have room at the new house and will always be welcome. you dont need to justify to them. so you promised? well tell them that as they are now (nearly) mature adults they will understand that life doesn't always match up to promises or plans - things change. people move house all the time. it wont change how you feel about them and so why should it change how they feel about you?

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