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To single parents of children whose absent parent has gone NC...

(18 Posts)
Francescal88 Wed 12-Aug-15 16:21:31

How do you explain to them why they never see or hear from the other parent?

My partner has left me and my eighteen month DS and has said he never wants to see either of us again. What do I say when my DS starts asking where his dad is?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 12-Aug-15 16:32:14

I have no experience but didn't want to read and run.

Sorry you're having to deal with this flowers

How long ago did your partner leave? Is there any chance he might change his mind?

MarySlessor Wed 12-Aug-15 18:14:04

My ds is 7 and has never asked about his father. He says he is happy only having one parent. I tried to discuss it with him once but he did not want to talk about it. Ds has high functioning autism. It is maybe something he would find difficult to deal with, that he has a dad who doesn't want to see him.

I don't know what I am going to say to him when he does ask. I will try to be as honest as possible, I think. It is something I worry about.

MarySlessor Wed 12-Aug-15 18:18:58

I read your post again. It is different for you as your ds has been used to having his dad around. My ds has never known his dad.

It must be a difficult situation for you.

charlybear7 Wed 12-Aug-15 20:18:37

I'm having the same problem really. My ex left is 4 months ago. Haven't really had much contact and had none at all now in the last 4 wks. My 4 yr old says he's fine and he misses daddy a little bit and then says he doesn't want to talk about it! It worries me greatly!

I cannot believe the idiot can't and won't even ring him! It angers me greatly!x

starlight2007 Wed 12-Aug-15 21:04:53

I have been through this..My Ds hasn't seen his Dad since 3 now 8... We have been through lots of stages.

I have always been honest...Not slagged his Dad off but not made excuses for him either ( I have not wanted him to feel anger or hero worship) I have always tried to be age appropriate and be able to build on what I have told him.

At first I told him it was something his Dad had to arrange , We ended up in a refuge. I told him that I decided that we would be happy living away from Daddy and I made the right decision.

Now he is 8 , he does know his Dad had anger problems, I also told him that if his Dad wanted to see him now he would not have the right to just see him. He would have to go through a process to make sure that it was the right thing for him ( refrained from saying over my dead body)

I did repeatedly tell him it wasn't his fault.

It was like a revolving door situation. It seemed to be generally solved now since a teacher spoke to him after an issue came up due to a subject at school. Her telling him it was nothing he had done as he was a baby seemed to help.

I have also told him he has another DC who he doesn't see.

I from my personal experience think answer what they ask.

Charly bear ..If he doesn't want to talk about it leave him, he will or won't in his own time

Francescal88 Wed 12-Aug-15 21:54:08

I'm just worried DS will think it's his fault, that his dad doesn't love him. Which i suppose he doesn't, as he's not willing to see his own son. Just a horrible situation.

starlight2007 Wed 12-Aug-15 22:02:30

You can tell him he did nothing wrong..

My Ds went through a phase of telling everyone my Daddy doesn't care about me. I didn't tell him that or correct him as it was almost said as a statement rather than an emotional statement. After a while we had a chat. We talked about how we knew we loved each other and how as we didn't see Daddy so we couldn't really know how he felt.

I have also told him I don't understand how his Dad can not see him as I look forward to seeing him after a day at school.

I don't think there is many questions I haven't had to answer on the subject...but I have answered them as they have come along..My DS is a questions and answers boy though.

Also be aware some questions can catch you off guard.. I learnt it is fine to say let me think about how best to answer that for you or I don't know.

Francescal88 Wed 12-Aug-15 22:40:44

Thanks starlight, some real valuable advice there. You sound so grounded, I hope I can learn to cope like you as time goes on

charlybear7 Wed 12-Aug-15 23:31:13

Yes thank you starlight. You talk so much sense and I too hope I can learn to cope like you seem to have done.

My 9 wk old has been brought into to world with just me at home as a single parent. Currently has no bond with his father which is very sad but something I am not forcing given the circumstances.

Thank you x

traceybaybee Thu 13-Aug-15 08:05:02

charleybear my little boy is 9wks tomorrow and hasnt met his dad since he wants nothing to do with us so im going it alone too. Better that way i reckon as i can raise my son to be a decent person with no warped input from him

JessesGirl Thu 13-Aug-15 08:40:59

My dts will be four soon and their dad has never seen them, they aren't aware of him and none of his family even know the dts exist. I think in some ways it will be easier because they can't miss what they've never had iyswim. They are aware that other children have dads but haven't seem to have connected that with their own family set up, although I am dreading the inevitable questions...

Taja123 Thu 13-Aug-15 08:52:45

Hi been there got through it.
My DS dad saw him 3 times he asked why he wasn't around I always told him it was not his fault just that his dad didn't know how to be a daddy.
This seem to satisfy him and whenever questiond came up I just answered as honestly as possible.
I always made a point not to bad mouth his dad and told him he was created with love and wanted so so much.
He is 21 now as neither hates or hero worships his father. If you have other male family members around try to build those relationships. This is where I had difficulty as have a very female family ( sis/Neice etc)
I also told his father the door to his being in contact would always remain open until my son decided to shut it.
Keep positive it does get easier x
My son has grown into a man I am pround to know and so so proud to be the parent of

starlight2007 Thu 13-Aug-15 14:58:17

Thank you for the compliment..It has just been 5 years of on off questions that got me to this point.

I am not sure I have got it prefectly right but am doing my best...I have also shown him a couple of time hop posts this year that have turned up on timehop of me venting my anger of him letting my DS down yet again...( some I would never let him read) however I hope from that he understands I was annoyed his dad let him down and also it is ok to be angry about it.

I have also done the all families are different thing which I think works when they don't know Dad as well as they do

ElderlyKoreanLady Thu 13-Aug-15 15:55:43

I've been feeling out what the best way to do this is for a while as I want to be prepared when the time comes. DD is 16mo and her dad hasn't seen her at all since she was 7mo. I left him when she was around 1mo.

I've asked a lot of people's opinions (including here under a previous NN) and general consensus seems to be:

-Try to bring them up with a very open mind towards family structures.
-Answer any questions calmly.
-Be honest.
-Be age appropriate.
-Emphasise that they are loved very much.
-Emphasise that they've done nothing wrong.
-Try and be aware of any of your DC's friends' family structures, especially where they're non-traditional (child lives with grandparents, father only, mother only, etc). That way you can discuss these non-traditional structures with your DC and they'll be more aware that it's not abnormal.

newmama91 Sat 15-Aug-15 01:22:41

Not yet but I know I'll have to have this conversation with him when he's old enough. I'm only 22 weeks pregnant but his dad hasn't been involved since I found out I was pregnant so from the beginning and he's made it clear he won't be involved in his life.

I'm not going to bash him but I'll just tell my son his dad wasn't ready to be a dad and wasn't brave enough.

meglet Sun 16-Aug-15 09:36:39

the dc's haven't see their dad site they were tiny. I've always said that daddy wasn't very good at being part of a family and he was a bit grumpy (understatement). It seems to have smoothed the years over. as they get older I'll explain a little more. I've always been happy to talk about him, what his job was and stuff like that. no badmouthing.

Kizzikaz Sun 16-Aug-15 18:11:24

My sons father (we don't call him dad because he's not) left us when he was 18 months old. He's phoned him once and he's now 7. No child support and he now lives in America with his new family and they have a baby (a friend saw on Facebook lol).

My son used to ask a lot about him but over the years it's stopped. Son isn't interested anymore in knowing. I was always honest and he knows that his father left met someone else while working away and never came home. As his father has never showed interest in him, he actually told people at school that his dad was dead. I had to visit the school to explain that he wasn't, he just isn't in his life!

Every situation is different but I'd never lie to him about what happened. Honesty has worked well for me and we just don't talk about him at all now, it's his loss!


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