Society and its misconceptions and assumptions about single parent women!

[Flowerpower41]

Good morning ladies. I would just like to get off my chest the various mistruths that abound about us wonderful ladies raising children on our own.

First off society may assume we are benefit scroungers and living in council houses. Wrong. Most of us indeed by far the majority are in gainful employment and either rent or own our own homes. That said I am not condemning those that are in receipt of benefit income nor residing in council or social housing homes. It is just that they are the minority that is all not the majority like most of society would seem to believe!

In addition and this is particularly true of men I have found - assume we are weak and sad and desperate for love. This couldn't be further from the truth - we are strong emotionally, generally just as happy as any other person in society - and not in a rush for becoming part of a couple again. We aren't lonely like most people assume we are. We might be busier than most however.

There is also an assumption from a great deal of men that we must be desperate for sex. I am not drop dead gorgeous but I can honestly say that sex is the easiest thing in the world to get - one simply has to register a free profile online containing a recent photo face pic and in no less than a few hours there are many men up for casual sex - if that is our thing of course!

Why is it that society can perceive us in such a wrong light? I guess a lot of it is media distortion. I wish something could be done about it.

I look forward to others' opinions. :)

[NobleLocks]

I 100% agree especially regarding men and relationships. I sometimes wonder is they are somewhat fazed by our fierce independent nature!

[Flowerpower41]

Yes NobleLocks men do often view us as 'needy' and in need of urgent rescuing. Personally I find this rather insulting. We are stronger than most other women as we have had to learn to be.

I have a female cousin who simply does not understand how a person who is a single parent doesn't feel lonely and doesn't feel bitter. She cannot fathom this whatsoever. I have tried reiterating over and over I am not remotely bitter or needy for a relationship and it is at best a wish and not a need. She assumes we must all be very lonely.....!

I admit I was a bit lonely and bitter in the beginning but this phase does gradually wear off over the first year or so once our confidence grows.

I tried dating a friend I met through a spiritual group - he assumed I should be grateful for any male attention at all - and that I must be hungry for love. Wrong!

[NobleLocks]

You could' have write that for me, people do assume I'm bitter and needy and lonely.
Urm no, I'm quite happy to dump weeds and wait because I know what feels right to me and I'm not afraid to wait, or be on my own.
As currently i work, have a house, a dog, a child, am at university and have a fabulous life that I've built for us. Actually I don't think I have time to fit anything else in! Haha

[microferret]

I think this misconception is a result of what patriarchal society would like to believe is true - that a woman is lost without a man, and that if a mother leaves the father of her children on the expectation of something more she will somehow be punished for it, she will be rejected by other men, she will be desperate and lonely and lost. Whereas all of the single mothers I have known managed to buy houses, go to college and obtain qualifications, find lovely new husbands who were a million times better than the violent deadbeats they replaced, and generally manage their lives in a very capable and proficient manner.

It's all part of the patriarchal fear of feminism and tough, independent females. FWIW I have never believed any of the crap about single parent families, and now that I have a LO of my own I am even more in awe of anybody who managed to raise a child without help.

[teafuelledradical]

I'm a single mum. I'm very happy in life, have fabulous children with whom I laugh a lot and have lots of fun, lots of very deep friendships, good relationships with my extended family, and gorgeous pets. I'm educated to postgrad level, financially secure, work full time in absorbing professional roles, politically involved, culturally interested, confident in my own identity, very feminist, and articulate enough to thrash ideas out with anyone, male or female, and have more than enough hobbies and interests to keep me busy. I'm open and friendly and socially involved in my local area. Im not at all interested in finding a man. I love the various men in my life, I just don't want to sleep with them. Does any of this make me threatening?

[LocalEditorEssex]

I admit I was a bit lonely and bitter in the beginning but this phase does gradually wear off over the first year or so once our confidence grows.

Yes I agree with this.
One year down the line now and I have confidence again. I am able to approach people I don't know and talk to them !! Men and women.

As for a relationship...nope not interested. As op said sex is everywhere if I wanted it.
Never lonely, always something to be done whether in the house or with work.

[swisscheesetony]

Oh well, I've become that.

Single mum: check
On benefits: check
Lives in a council house: check
Lonely: check

I'd love a relationship, I want to be with someone.

(Am fairly new to the game though and not filled with years of confidence)

Had a quick flick through POF yesterday and spotted the joys of:
i) someone offering $$$ for "you know what"
ii) a friend's ex who beat her black & blue

Back to the boxsets it is then.

[Flowerpower41]

swisscheesetony trust me you will get through this phase of needy and come out the other end stronger like the rest of us. If I can do it anyone can!

Good luck.

[perfectpeach]

I am a single mother of two children by two fathers, live off benefits in an overcrowded two bedroom maisonette. I busted a gut to get off benefits and become self employed but due to lack of start up funds I puttered along for a little while and then hit a brick wall, so I am back on benefits. I am currently studying a degree with the OU in the hope of bettering our lives but the government is making that increasingly hard and come next April when my youngest turns five life may become impossible as I can't find a job, so that's not going to change and there is no after school childcare provision at his school. One of the fathers pays a fair amount of maintenance which will stop us from starving but feeling so trapped by circumstances and the unhelpful, box ticking by the jobcentre I regularly wonder what the point is. I have no help from friends, family or their fathers outside of the maintenance that one pays.

With cut after cut making it's impact on our lives I feel increasingly demotivated.

So yes I am bitter and feel trapped by circumstances, but as long as I don't dwell on that too much and just think about my children and hobbies I am pretty happy. Still don't feel the need or desire for another man though

[starlight2007]

I am more scared to death of meeting anyone.. I got it so wrong with my DS's Dad I never ever want to put him at risk again..

[WishIwasanastronaut]

I find it quite interesting how many people assume I have a husband living with me.

For example, it happened to me twice today - I was sitting at a brunch and a friend of a friend asked me all about my husband. I couldn't be bothered to tell her that my 'husband' isn't actually my husband and hasn't lived with us for blimmin' ages.

Then I went to buy a new drier and when discussing delivery and would I be able to bring it into the house if it was deposited by the delivery men on the doorstep, the sales assistant presumed my husband would bring it in and set it up. Er, no mate.

Funny really.

[lighteningirl]

I was a single parent for sixteen years couldn't hack a relationship AND dc but my exdp was a knob. I work, own my own home not that that makes a difference but my children are the most well adjusted and hard working out of all my now friends and colleagues. I firmly believe it's easier to be alone, my house my rules no confusion for the kids plus I fought tooth and nail to keep exdp seeing them so I got a night and often morning off most week s. It was much harder for my friends who had no ex around (or who foolishly alienated them so badly they weren't around) but you know what single parents stick together and we all helped each other out everything from child care to group.holidays.
I use to long for my ex to come home from work foolishly believing he would help with the kids but once I was on my own I just got on with it. I did struggle financially I was homeless with two kids at my lowest point but I made it.
Am happily married now but met my dh when my youngest went to uni I love him to bits but I for one loved being single.
I avoided married couples in general the wives act like you are after their useless piece of baggage and the husbands are either scared you will set a bad example (independent) or creepily flirty. Please note I said in general not all couples are like this but enough are.