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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Contact opinions

12 replies

2little2late2change4now · 06/08/2015 20:02

Hello, I'm just after some opinions. We have dd 2.5 and I am due another baby in a month! I plan to ebf as I did with dd for 18 months.
Ex left 6 months ago and lives 55 miles away. He has cut contact 3 times for varying lengths of time because his new gf struggles with him speaking to or seeing me.
Currently we're 4 weeks into a new contact arrangement of every Saturday. Prior to this he had no contact for 2 month so we're easing back into contact slowly with him taking her to activities locally in the day and then and then putting her to bed here before he leaves.

My question is if you have 2 children and one is ebf what is your contact arrangement or what do you think is reasonable in this situation. I'm happy to hear everyone's opinion however different they are.

Thank you x

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MisForMumNotMaid · 06/08/2015 20:08

My DC were slightly older when XH left. Just 1 and 3. Initially he had Saturday am visits in and a bit out the house (youngest had big seperation anxiety issues and would scream a lot for him).

Then moved on to always out the house including lunch and when the DC were about 4 and 6 moved to alternate Saturdays all day which suited us both better. We did talk overnights but it never happened.

His other half struggled with the DC and still does and they have now/ are in the process off adopting a younger child so interest in the original children has dropped off and is being gently coaxed along.

How do you feel about him in the house? Initially i thought i was okay with it but then over time i felt my space was invaded and thats when things changed to out of house contact.

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starlight2007 · 06/08/2015 20:11

Ideally the contact with the newborn is little and often... As LO will hopefully be EBF she/he needs to be with you so he will need to visit you ( the girlfriends inability to cope with a man with children is his to deal with) He could still take the oldest out.

All this cutting contact 3 times in 6 months is really not healthy for little ones.

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charlybear7 · 06/08/2015 20:34

I'm in this situation at the moment with regards to a newborn. My youngest is 8 wks old and my ex left me when I was 7 months pregnant and we have a 4 year old too! Nice 'man'!

I was told contact with the absent father is best at little and often with newborns and babies and it's to be no longer than 90 minutes. I think you have to be very careful also with the mothers state of mind after giving birth. Just do what you feel is best is my advice and don't be bullied into something you aren't comfortable with.

Hope that helps!

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2little2late2change4now · 06/08/2015 20:51

Thank you for opinions.
I think dd would struggle with 90 min contact to be honest as she would feel the abandonment again so soon after the excitement of him arriving.
I don't really mind him in the house, it's the children's home and where all their comforts are. He has a silly small car so transporting things and moving carseat isn't easy.
I tend to go out or keep busy when they are here. We don't talk about ow, it's none of my business unless she becomes part of the children's lives. I keep conversations to the news and the children and that's it.
Dd has major separation issues from me now though which is a very new thing, she has never previously been bothered about leaving me and going with him but now all hell breaks loose.
I thought that it would be good for him to come on a weds for tea and bath time with the children and then on a Saturday but he feels this is highly unreasonable so I wanted opinions.

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starlight2007 · 06/08/2015 21:23

Have you asked him what he thinks is reasonable.. He could go out with DD..With the idea that when baby is older she/he can also join him.

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2little2late2change4now · 06/08/2015 21:29

He would like to pick dd up on a Friday and drop her back on a Sunday and introduce his gf.

I think this is too soon, he hasn't shown any continuity at all since leaving and he has refused to give me the address also. Yup he is a twat and I made a big mistake but hey ho. He would then just see the baby at pick up and drop off

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starlight2007 · 06/08/2015 22:21

I have to agree with you dropping contact 3 times in 6 months does not warrant a weekend access...Also be very wary of Friday to Sunday access. If you are planning to return to work or when DD starts school in a couple of years it will be difficult for you to get quality time.

I really loathe the refusing the address thing. My Ex did this however he only ever had supervises access or in a public place.

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lunar1 · 06/08/2015 22:27

He needs to re establish his relationship with her after dropping contact so much, so no weekends with the ow! What you are proposing is more than fair.

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Twistedheartache · 06/08/2015 22:42

Mine are 4 & 9 months & he left in March so when she was 4.5 months.
He is 120 miles away so our agreement was aimed at Eow but tweaked to fit circumstances and became 1 x per fortnight he comes here for the day, & then 1 x fortnight oldest goes to his. In reality she has only been twice (which suits me coz I think it's too much travelling & she feels left out coz baby stays)
I feel same as you that at the moment it makes sense for him to be in house, comfortable environment for them, but try to make sure he actually is a parent and doesn't just default to me all the time.
Worst thing about him being in the house is the what could have been. If he'd been as hands on when he lived with us I wouldn't have been so frazzled & might have had more time for us.
Go with what works for you - if it feels right/logical it probably is

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2little2late2change4now · 07/08/2015 09:18

Thank you.

I don't think about what could've been when he's here. He was having an affair whilst we tried for a baby. I feel very free without him but I know that I had children with him and therefor have to accept him as part of my life to a certain extent.
When I asked about a mid week contact he responded very coldly as though I was asking for blood from him. It's such a shame as he was once such a brilliant dad even if he wasn't a great partner. I have no family locally and am studying for my degree with the OU so I keep busy but don't ask him for any help etc. I just worry that dd doesn't see much family at all now, his son who's 18 doesn't bother to see dd either now. Hopefully a sibling will bring a sense of family when we are 3 :)

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charlybear7 · 07/08/2015 10:22

I must say you sound very strong with everything you've gone through and continue to. As we're now a family of 3 it's really really lovely and my 4 year old son is loving having another little person around! Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. My 2 boys keep me going x

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2little2late2change4now · 07/08/2015 11:12

Thank you charleybear. That sounds wonderful. Dd definitely keeps me going, I just wish she didn't miss him and that he could separate being a good dad from what has happened with us.
I don't feel very strong, I'm quite scared but it all has to be ok because what's the alternative? I only have 5 weeks to go now! Ex remains unsure as to whether he'll be involved with the baby or not though - twat