dd biting hitting and deliberately wee'ing to get my attention.(17 Posts)
Hi, i posted in behaviour but thought i'd post here as i'm a lp.
am typing this in tears. Dd (3 nrly 4)started the day tipping water all over the sofa and living room , then as i was putting the laundry away casually kicked me. I said with eye contact 'no cbeebies app today, we do not kick' and she bit and scratched and punched. I am at my wits end now. She wants attention all the time. last night she wee'd all over her room deliberately, the rug, freshly washed clothes, and then downstairs on the sofa blankets.
I think she is addicted to the 'making up'. She very quickly wants to make friends and do the sorry and i love you routine. This has become some sort of pay off for her. Also she can't stand me being engrossed in other activities- laundry, a teabreak, making lunch. I know i shpuld involve her but i'm so bloody tired i just want to get it done sometimes.
She was so vicious. Her dad is a narc and we were in an ea relationship. I protect her as much as pos, now that i am a lone parent in some ways it's easier as no abuse, but i struggle spreading myself thin.
Children can be naturally narcissistic, but it's so triggering for me seeing that behaviour in her. I worry she's a raging sociopath like him! I talk about emotions a lot with her, and we have lots of books (hands are not for hitting, i feel angry, the feelings book, etc) .
Also she can get out of the car seat and has rages on the motorway and kicks and bites. V dangerous, and she doesn't listen to my calm explanation as to why we need to stay in our straps. ARGGGGGG. any advice gratefully received.
I make sure i tell her it's the behaviour i don't like, not her. I reassure her I love her no matter what.
A few things that might help...
A visual timetable..
You can also tell her I need to get the laudry done then we can play a game so she knows you are not going to do. Also what does she have to do while you are doing these ..set her up with pay doh or something so she isn't bored.
Don't give the behviour too much attention. Do you do the naughty step..For a child who likes attention it works well..Find an old episode of supernanny she does it well. However do not make much of the making up.
As for seat belts.. You need to pull over and tell her you are not moving until she is back in her seat with her belt on..Are you travelling long distances is she bored? She may need stuff to do in the car.Are you going somewhere she wants to. I would do a day where you tell her you are going to .... if she removes her seat belt you will be going home she will test you but lesson learnt.
Also can I say my Ds who is a bit older when I asked him why he did something he said because you will always love me no matter what I do. I now never say I do not like his behaviour it is counter productive
thanks for the reply. Timetabling is a good idea.
actually, i've just had another incident as she wanted another biscuit and i said no (and i have always been consistent, she knows no means no) she went upstairs and wee'd all over my bed, soaked through the duvet,to the mattress and through the gaps in the floor boards.
I always pull over with the car seat thing. hmm, we don't do car journeys very often so she's not used to it.
it's the godam wee'ing and viciousness. Timeout doesnt work as she uses wee wherever she is as a weapon against that. I will try the step. I expect her to wee on it! But at least that's easier to clean.
She has had both cbeebies and computer time removed for today. The next one will be treats. I've got mattress, floor and duvet to clean now. Sigh.
Without making a massive deal of it, if LO has helped cause the mess, I get them to "help" me clean it up. In practice this means wiping the same bit of cupboard or floor with a baby wipe for ten minutes while I properly clean up beside them, but it works well for us as a "natural consequence" I.e. Ok, now we're both going to be bored while we clean this up. It also means although we're doing something together, it's not perhaps as stimulating 1:1 as the cuddle and make up cycle. It may not feel like a good fit for you, but it has drastically reduced the incidents here. Hope today is a good day for you both
thanks jam. Yes, i will revisit that one. She is not a listener or follower of instructions- nursery say she has a super quick mind and is picking up spelling already, but struggles with following rules. And she is stubborn and strong willed which will stand her in good stead, I don't want to break her spirit. But mine is broken atm!
have her help you clean up the mess.
ask nursery if they have any issues, maybe ask for referral to educational psychologist to get some strategies.
weeing all over beds is quite extreme...
she is young - if she does have tendencies like her dad you can get in there early and help her to not be like him. get some professional help. ask about parenting classes run locally to run things by the people holding them.
f the car becomes a real problem get a crelling harness -expensive around £80 but worth it.
also go out on a non necessary journey - tell her you going in car to get a treat from garden centre. that she has to sit nicely. as soon as she kicks off you stop and tell her she sits nicely or you dont go.
allow plenty of time for this so you can stop start as needed. practice these trigger points when you dont actually need to go anywhere.
if she doesnt have cbeebies or computer what will she do when you do chores?
if it makes your life more difficult if she cant sit in front of tv quietly for a while then dont use it...
Good points cestlavie. Much to ponder on. It would help if she let me have an unbroken night's sleep, i could think clearer. Thanks all.
Can I ask about sleep.. what is she waking up for? How are you responding.. You need to rev yourself up for a few really bad nights...Lack of sleep is a killer ..It takes energy to break the cycle..so it is really difficult...
Sometimes what it takes is to step back and think what the major issues are...The weeing and car seat clearly are major stuff.
I think the major issues are, she knows ,although i never act like it, that i'm 'not friends' with her daddy. I have been having counselling for ptsd for some of the horrific things that happened in the relationship, and i'm now no contact, her contact is done through a third party, communication is through his girlfriend by text.
In the time after the separation, i was struggling with what had happened to me, and maybe wasn't emotionally available as much as i'd have liked. She's checking on me, i think, and when i need a break perhaps she's panicking that i'm detatching again (i'm not, ive moved on a lot and am present most of the time). I'm just tired. I've just run out of ways to respond.
The waking is coming in to me for a cuddle at 1am, which i am happy to give. I feel i need to be consistant and reassuring in one thing, and it is special time for us, and reassuring to me to get some love from her after a challenging day. But I find it difficult getting back to sleep after that.
I just feel like i'm failing, and fantasise about running away. This as well as all the usual lp sh*t, him being disney amazing dad, me never having space to even think of another relationship whilst he's found his next
victim fiance, he hides his vast income so it's minimal cm for me. All the cliches. Sigh. I'm worn down, hurtling towards spinsterhood.
it feels so brutal when the DC pick something so destructive to rinse and repeat (no pun intended), I understand. You sound amazingly patient!! The attention seeking behaviour is just that, and you've already spotted that she's after the cuddles and I love you bit. I agree with pp that reducing the pay off for her with the kiss and make up cycle, and increasing the natural consequences rather than punishments is likely to help. Also consider that she's found something that feels really clear to say 'I'm not happy' by weeing.
When she does it, address the behaviour but before you do, look for the why? what happens just before she does it? Can you address that? So when she wees on something, just calmly say to her 'you must be feeling really angry/frustrated/sad/etc to use your wee instead of your words. Can you tell me what you were feeling when you made the mess?' Try and let her know that what she was feeling isn't the problem, but the way she's letting you know isn't ok. Problem solve with her a bit. 'How else can you tell mummy how you're feeling? What words would you use to tell me that you feel xyz?'. 'I'm always happy to hear your words but now we will have to spend our time clearing up instead of doing X fun activity.' Then natural consequences (cleaning it up with you) rather than taking away privileges like TV are probably going to be much clearer to her.
The book No Drama Discipline is fantastic, I really recommend it. Trawl this site for practical tips for relationship building stuff, games and strategies to use with 3-5 year olds too. And pour a big glass of x
Chocoraisin made good points.
Sounds like you had a lot to deal with.
Also go to gp and ask about family therapy with dd where you see a child psychologist or therapist in order to see what dd is communicating and develop strategies . Can be really helpful. You don't have to do this all alone. I would emphasise the weeing to gp in order to get the referral to camhs. (That is the route to child and family therapy) . My dd had family therapy sessions it was really useful and I had sessions too. Plus some together.
Thanks choco and cestlavie really helpful posts. I felt in such a muddle yesterday, was wakeful all night and woke up tearful and flat. You've really helped this morning.
We've talked about how she can tell me differently when she's upset, I know she's not feeling heard, and that's what the event is before the weeing- i'm not listening. And when she's angry and wants to hurt, to count to ten, or take a big breath. She says she gets 'pinging' in her head when she feels upset, and it's difficult to ignore it.
She is at a really bossy inflexible stage at the moment, which is an added challenge. I try to find the balance of being present, but not letting her be the queen of everything.
I won't pretend to have a lot of answers for you, but as you say she is learning spelling, her language must be good.
Something I say to 4 year olds who are aggressive and anti social to other children and think 'sorry' makes everything all right...
Sorry means you won't do it again.
I think you need professional help tho, especially as she isn't safe in the car.
Maybe it's a possibility of letting her be the centre of the universe for a few months? If you've been in an ea relationship for a long time you have not be emotionally available to your DD during that period?
Does she just need reassurance from you? Can you just devote more time to her? Get her to join you with the cooking. Do minimal house tidying. Sort the laundry when she is in bed. Reward and distract. I know it sounds like a lot of effort, but it may pay dividends in the long run.
I was reading an interesting article the other day, about matching a child's energy level.
Talking calmly etc seems to exacerbate a child's rage ( in some cases of course) instead of bringing them down they feel more frustrated and misunderstood.
So try to match their level. You needn't scream and kick or whatever, but talk loud and fast, try to match their intensity of feeling.
It's to help them to feel acknowledged instead of placated.
You might give it a go, as what you're doing isn't really working anyway.
It's just a suggestion.
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