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ExP very angry he hasn't seen DC on his birthday and blames me. WIBU?

(18 Posts)
theendoftheendoftheend Fri 31-Jul-15 19:17:17

Ex wanted to see DC this morning as its his birthday and he had plans from 2. So got up, they did his card etc, waited til 1 and thought ah well and took them out for a picnic so they'd have done something nice. He called shortly after and when I said we'd waited but just gone out as he didn't show he started his usual shouting, swearing etc.
He thinks I should have called etc, made the effort to try and wake him and remind him, I think that's what alarm clocks are for and I don't want to take on the responsibility. He has form for not showing when he says he will and then expects the DC and me to cancel any plans and accommodate him when he does show up, so basically we are expected to be beholden to his social life/hang overs and have no plans of our own. I've had enough! But WIBU not to wait til 2, as it is his birthday after all. And what should I do next time?
DC have a party to go to on Sunday, they really want to go ( best friends birthday) but I know he:ll expect them to cancel it to spend all day with him. I think he should have turned up this morning if he's that bothered and not now expect them to cancel their social plans because his took priority over seeing them the 2 days before (like last weekend!) But WWYD?

Longtalljosie Fri 31-Jul-15 19:22:40

What time did he arrive at yours?

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 31-Jul-15 19:26:39

He rang me not long after we left so about 5/10 past 1

Bellemere Fri 31-Jul-15 20:01:29

He's being totally unreasonable - not only his expectations but also shouting and swearing. I would refuse to communicate except by email, tell him he needs to be specific about when he intends to see the children and to take responsibility for being there on time. I also would not cancel plans the children have. Perhaps it's time for set contact times/days?

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 31-Jul-15 20:13:16

Thanks Belle I think I have dealt with the whole situation since splitting up badly and now I need to step back, but anytime he doesn't get exactly what he wants he gets so angry it panics me so I usually end up trying to make amends which obviously has just encouraged him that getting angry works. It's nice to know someone else can see my POV though

Rosieliveson Fri 31-Jul-15 20:31:28

He is clearly being unreasonable. Why should your poor children sit in all day in a nice, rare, dry weather day on the off chance he will show up.
Another call for scheduled contact with the proviso that birthday parties and social events like school fairs, clubs etc must be accommodated so that your separation (but actually his bloody mindedness and obvious disorganisation) does not effect the children's social plans and friendships.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 31-Jul-15 20:44:09

This has been going on (off and on) for 5 years and it's just getting worse! So I'm definitely not dealing with it well at the mo, and I feel like I'm setting the DC up with a poor example of a how close relationships should work. He did speak to them on the phone so they ended up thinking the whole problem was that I wouldn't let him come on the picnic and was picking on him on his birthday!

CocktailQueen Fri 31-Jul-15 20:45:52

YANBU. He is an adult and is therefore responsible for getting up! FFS. What a man child.

FannyFanakapan Fri 31-Jul-15 20:54:34

Id go further. Arrange to meet, not at home, but at a local supermarket or pub. Set the time. tell him you will wait 20 minutes. AFter that, you leave, and go somewhere with the kids.

Take selfies with time stamps. So you can prove you were there at the agreed time.

Don't spend your weekends (and your children's weekends) waiting endlessly for him to be bothered to pitch up. EIther he is on time or he misses out.

If he doesn't like this, the alternative is a contact centre (which he can pay for) and he will have to be there by a set time - all professionally witnessed.

PeppaWellington Fri 31-Jul-15 20:58:34

He expected you to call him to wake/remind him?!?

I would say "I AM NOT YOUR MUMMY YOU WET END" and I agree - time for a written agreement and keep all communication to email/text.

What an absolute prize amoeba. I can't imagine why you split up with him..... wink

Basically he's making his inability to be a decent dad, all your fault. Not only is it your fault you and he split up (and I'm expecting that was to do with his less than stellar performance in the 'decent human being' category) it's also your fault he doesn't know how to wake up in time to see his children. He was so looking forward to seeing them, he didn't manage to wake up. What a moron.

Good idea about arranging drop off/pick up at a supermarket or pub etc. Expect it to be your fault he missed the bus or accidentally forgot how to tell the time or was distracted by his own awesomeness or wrote the wrong day on the calendar. Still, you will have managed to have shown up on time - you will need to point this out to him. Also a good idea to be in public when you meet - it might prevent him from behaving angrilly.

daisydalrymple Fri 31-Jul-15 21:02:50

Plans needs to be clear for all involved so that the dcs know what they are and he can't twist his bad behaviour to blaming you when he doesn't turn up. That's so not fair of him.

Whilst you don't want to be running him down to the dcs obviously, there needs to be some way of making sure he can't blame you again.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 31-Jul-15 21:10:20

You hit the nail on the head with everything being my fault. There's no way I'm taking responsibility for reminding him to see them, we had this row about the end of year play, I told him, bought him a ticket and reminded him the weekend before but it was my fault he didn't attend because I didn't remind him on the day!
Contact is a bit tricky due to his living arrangements (despite him keeping the family home because its 'his', it isn't we legally own it 50/50 but whatever) previous DV, depression, substance abuse and recurring suicide threats when he doesn't get his own way which is why he see's them here with me here too usually. I'm scared to take it to court tbh

Bellemere Fri 31-Jul-15 21:18:47

You don't need to take it to court.
Google "CAFCASS Parenting Plan" and lay out your proposals to him using that as a foundation.
You are not responsible for him.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 31-Jul-15 22:28:48

Thanks I'll take a look at that sounds like a good place to start

starlight2007 Sat 01-Aug-15 10:42:14

Another set contact.

How old are your children. I think it is ok to correct the fact these things are not your fault to children..There is a difference between slagging the other partner off and letting your children think you are to blame for everything in the world.

Waiting in all day for someone to arrive is ridiculous...You need to set a time..Children should not be waiting around all day for a parent

Berthatydfil Sat 01-Aug-15 11:09:01

So he expected you and the DC to hang round all morning -early afternoon so he could have at most 50 minutes (probably nearer 30 to 45 if he had to be elsewhere for 2) with the DC.
What a nob.
Go to mediation sort out contact ie contact will be x day and y days and half school holidays, with a full week in those holidays subject to x months notice, if contact is at x time you will make children available for a time window of y minutes before x until x or 10 past x if you're feeling generous , after that you will presume contact isn't happening.
Any activities or invited parties etc falling on contact he will have the choice to take them or cancel (and rearrange) contact, he will contact the school to request copies of newsletters dates of events concerts etc and will make his own arrangements to attend.

Berthatydfil Sat 01-Aug-15 11:10:53

Oh and get the house and and child maintenance sorted

theendoftheendoftheend Sat 01-Aug-15 12:16:07

Funnily enough he doesn't pay full maintenance, I've held off from contacting CSA as I didn't want to antagonise him but really what's the point it's just cutting off my nose to spite my face and playing into the hands of a bully!
He's just turned up, had a go and swaned of with the DC (who wanted to go and seem to think they should as I was so mean to him yesterday) no mention of when they'd be back but I did hear some mumble of having to be somewhere at 2. So tempted to just go out and turn my phone off!

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