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Radio silence

(10 Posts)
Bambino1234 Tue 28-Jul-15 07:55:25

My partner left me at the beginning of the year.
He had been having an affair with her co worker and she left her husband also.
It's took me a long time to accept it but I'm finally there or there shouts.
What I'm struggling with is the fact that he makes so little effort with the children between visits, he sees them twice a month but there has been no phone calls, video calling or email just to check in on them !
I know he has no obligation to talk with me and that is his choice, but he knows that if he were to call or video call I would only be too happy for the children to see and speak with him, I also wonder why at such a crucial time of year (our eldest finished nursery and starts school etc) he doesn't want to be involved in the excitement of it ? There was no call on the last day even though she had told him they were having a teddy picnic and was so excited or even an email to say how did it go.
It's such a shame and know in the long run it is him losing out I just find it odd that he will go so long and not be in touch.
Is it normal and I'm expecting too much ?
We are for the most part amicable and all exchanges are polite, he does like to overstay his welcome and come in and chat, he does little things like offer to prune my flowers and buy milk etc and he's like that at both drop off and pick up but as soon as he's gone we don't hear a peep.( he does sometimes try to get in touch that is never about the children though, normally he just fancies a chat with me) Last drop off I didn't let him or listen to his usual chit chat I just handed the kids over and he left the same again when he bought them back and he left looking dejected and a bit put out, I just think if your not going to even ask how they are between visits what is the point of entertaining him for an hour.

charlybear7 Tue 28-Jul-15 19:06:19

Bambino1234, I'm having or had the exact same issues. My partner left me 4 months ago when I was 7 months pregnant. I'm convinced he's had an affair but denies it even now. We have a 4 year old son who used to and probably still does idolise his father. However we never hear from him apart from when he sees him. It can can go days and currently weeks (having a few issues) with no contact from him! I too find this odd as the times he's picked the children up and dropped them off he's been so friendly which has confused me massively! I do wonder if they have some kind of guilt when they see is that they feel they need to be nice and chatty to make them selves feel better about the situation?!x

starlight2007 Tue 28-Jul-15 19:09:40

I think while you have the right to feel very disappointed I think to give your Ex head space of what kind of parent you think he should be is pointless.

He will only be what he wants to be..Have you said though if you want to message them you can?

I can tell you my 8 year old on the phone is painful though. I can't imagine why anyone would want to talk to him on the phone..He can barely mnage to talk to me on the phone but can generally waffle all day long to me about nothing

Elfdoor Tue 28-Jul-15 19:17:49

Sound very much like a midlife crisis type of conduct, my ex had an affair but still wanted contact as if nothing had happened between us. It's like he is not sure if he wants this new life or the old one, so he keeps a foot in the door of the old one.
He will pull your emotions back and forth for years if you let him, my advice is keep contact to a minimum for you and him, he will not be thinking about the kids men who do this are often very selfish. Don't try to apply normal thinking to him, it drives you mad thinking why does he not want to be involved with the joy of his own children, nothing you can do will make him be a better dad.
Read up on midlife crisis men, see with more info if you think he fits the behaviour patterns of a typical mlc man.
For me this started in 2009, he has pulled me back n forth over the years, we even got back together for a time, we are now almost divorced. His conduct over the children has never got any better, he now has been stopped from having contact.

SteadyHand Tue 04-Aug-15 03:34:38

My soon to be xh left 3 months ago when I found out about his second affair in a year. He has currently gone 3 weeks without seeing the children, and has also stopped paying maintenance in that time. I have been upset that he never calls to speak to the children, or even texts to ask how they are. It's like he's putiinh his head in the sand and forgetting that he has children because he's too consumed in his new woman.
Like you, I know I should be thinking that it's his loss and I have the pleasure of the children, but I'm upset that they used to love him so much, and he's thrown that back in their faces with his conduct. My dc are 10, 8 and 12 months.

starlight2007 Tue 04-Aug-15 07:41:39

Steady hand..If he has stopped paying going to the CMS.. My time hop came up from 4 years ago and it said how wonderful my DS was however his dad would never know as he is a nob head..We are still there 4 years later.

SteadyHand Tue 04-Aug-15 08:54:55

Do you think I should? I asked him why hes not been paying, and he said it's because he pays half the rent on the house I live in with the dc (his parents own this house and have insisted on a joint tenancy with him still being liable for half the, very minimal, rent) so he can't afford any more.

starlight2007 Tue 04-Aug-15 17:35:19

ok well your finances are more complicated...Do you realise with a joint tenancy he has a legal right of entry .. not something I would want my ex to have..If he doesn't pay ultimately the result could be eviction, Also you may have a harder time if claiming child tax credits and they investigate if you are single.. however your decision...The amount of rent he is paying may well come of maintenance it would be worth a call to CMS to find out where you stand.

caravanista13 Tue 04-Aug-15 17:40:46

Is it just a lack of emotional intelligence? My husband takes very little active interest in the lives of our (adult) children - it just doesn't occur to him - although he'd do anything for them.

SteadyHand Tue 04-Aug-15 19:54:29

Thanks Starlight, my solicitor advised me to sign the tenancy agreement- I was very against it, trust me! I was also investigated when I applied for tax credits, I had to send a solicitors letter to prove I was single. I'm sick of the whole situation, it's utterly draining.
Sorry for derailing the post, OP

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