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New byfriend romance and courtship lsot in translation

(54 Posts)
KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 12:13:53

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

OP’s posts: |
AlpacaMyBags Thu 23-Jul-15 12:20:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton Thu 23-Jul-15 12:26:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmmuffins Thu 23-Jul-15 12:40:50

OP there are so many reasons to end this. You want to get married and have children, he says he doesn't want to marry you. He isn't affectionate, and what affections he did give are waning. He is rude to strangers and to you. It sounds like he gaslights you. All this and it's only been three months! Why would you continue to pursue a relationship with this man? Cut and run, now.

balloongoespop Thu 23-Jul-15 12:45:13

He sounds awful and you are not suited to each other - mainly because he is unpleasant. Bin him and move on. Listen to your instincts because they are telling you something important.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 13:28:23

Thank you for the thoughts on this. He says that I 'invent problems' and 'love arguments', but I think I only ask a question about affection, how he sees things and his timeline in future, seen as we're 35 and 44. even if he has a kid now - at 45 - he will be 60 y.o. plus when they graduate so it is important to talk about age/etc....

He says things like the woman has to cook, please a man and stay quiet....I don't even know if he is kidding or being serious...

I suppose I love the physical side of the relationship, he is tall, warm, handsome to a degree, very much someone I care about and love. Last Saturday we did not have lunch and had 2 glasses of wine each. He drove his Porsche and I was light-headed and told him I really like him, in love and that he is someone I think about (he said it many timers to me beforehand). He now asks if 'I fall in love quickly' and also says we should not move in straight away etc - I have my own house and not desperate, it is more about him saying these things which are not great - and that if we're together by Xmas, we can rent out houses out and rent a comment third property together.....

This sounds weird, no??

Heart-broken. Texted him last night saying I don't feel his love and affection and that I felt he is not looking forward to meeting anymore like he did. He responses this morning at 6am "Charming texts from you! I am not wasting my time answering this junk".

I am at a loss and why did it come to it?

Another worrying thing for me was that he wanted to watch x-rate videos together. I asked if I was not enough, he said yes but we can 'experiment'. I felt a little hurt.

OP’s posts: |
KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 15:51:47

He is very charming in person and is very smiley/cute. I cannot stay mad at him but yes deep down this gets me down a lot.

OP’s posts: |
balloongoespop Thu 23-Jul-15 15:52:15

Don't contact him again. Just don't. So many red flags here (driving after 2 wines for a start) Who cares if he is handsome, tall and has a Porsche? These things are not important if he is not a nice person.

And next time, if I may say so, take it slow. You shouldn't really be making future plans after only 3 months. You should still be getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company.

balloongoespop Thu 23-Jul-15 15:53:57

X post. Wake up and stop seeing 'cuteness'. Really, will that make you happy in the long run. it sounds like he has you wrapped around his finger. Sorry to be harsh but look at the bigger picture.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 15:57:47

We did take it slow. Did not overindulge in meeting/calling/staying over etc. We talked about children in future because of age, which I think is only fair....
He does not want to use precautions (condoms) as he doesn't like the feeling and therefore this forced the issue a little as I am never going to use pills. He asked for me to agree to this and was very forceful, so yes we talked about consequences...

We did take it slow. He said 'I really love you' and made all the right noises.

I can't take it any slower I am 35 and want to have a family, it is late as it is(((( feel crushed and heart-broken. I don't fall for an expensive car, I actually felt turned off by it so this is not an attraction for me. I like that he was a guy who was straightforward, non-intellectual but easy to be with (I thought) and quite snuggler to start with.

OP’s posts: |
KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 15:59:28

I know, it is hard as London is full of people who date multiple people and never commit. I thought he was different. He told me he wants kids and family and split up with his previous GF as she was too young to want to settle down.

OP’s posts: |
NickiFury Thu 23-Jul-15 16:01:53

Three months and he's showing you the real him, which by the way sounds utterly obnoxious. It's pretty clear why he's single at age 44 don't you think?

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:02:04

Feels awful to part with someone you really like, especially in your head...I am picky and find it hard to find a guy I like. So is he. Not quite sure why relationship is on such low standards though as he says I am a posh girl which means I always try and give him the benefit of the doubt if he slips.
I am so tired of not finding my right partner in life;-(((

OP’s posts: |
balloongoespop Thu 23-Jul-15 16:03:43

'He asked for me to agree to this and was very forceful' He sounds worse and worse.

it is easy to say I love you. it is harder to show this with your actions. he is not doing this - calling you names, eroding your confidence.

I appreciate your age is a factor but really forget him and start again - do you really want to be with a selfish, gaslighting, sexist, rude to others and to you twat?

Please get this moved to Relationships where you will get very good advice.

CtrlAltDelicious Thu 23-Jul-15 16:03:49

You've been having unprotected sex with him??? shock

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:06:34

Nicki, you're probably right. As after 3 mths the real picture comes out, people stop pretending and stop being someone else on dates. He often turns up grumpy, non-complimentary, it feels like he doesn't enjoy turning up for a date...does that sound weird??!!

OP’s posts: |
balloongoespop Thu 23-Jul-15 16:07:03

By the way what contraception are you using? Please do not get pregnant to this man.

NickiFury Thu 23-Jul-15 16:11:05

No it doesn't sound weird. It sounds pretty common place. Many, many men like this. All excited and on their best behaviour for a few months so you think you've found yourself a real Prince. They can't maintain the facade and the real them starts to show. Quite often the woman will start trying harder and harder in order to get back to that time when it was all so perfect. You can't get back there though because it wasn't real.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:11:54

I am ashamed and cannot believe I was so weak. I have never done it like this;-(( He has a strong will and is very forceful. I know, I should have stood my ground....he just did it once and then said that he is very careful and that we shouldn't be worried as he only dated three women seriously/long-term and they are all 'clean'. I know, pathetic explanation...but once it was done, it rolled from there. He refused to use condoms I purchased, I chose thin ones but he threw them away. We did it 3-4 times without protection in 'safe' window. I don't think I could be pregnant...but still, I know....I feel very bad, he completely broke my will power even though I am usually a tough cookie.

OP’s posts: |
NickiFury Thu 23-Jul-15 16:14:22

Oh dear oh dear he sounds horrible! What now? Are you going to dump?

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:14:52

Nicki, I know - felt like recreating what we had in the beginning but he says I am mad and making stuff up, that all is perfect and I 'moan and nag for no reason'. I find this language offensive. He claims he is a 'farmer's boy' who grew up outside of private school and that he doesn't have manners...but still. Can you talk like that???

Need to get a pregnancy test if period does not start this week.

I know, I sound like a douchebag....

OP’s posts: |
KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:16:21

Nicki, he wrote those messages at 6am this morning (ie he is not responding to my junk texts!) and I have said nothing. I don't know what to say. Broke down in tears at work...for no reason.

I cannot even hold it together. So upset....He was perfect before, was it all a lie??? an act?

OP’s posts: |
CtrlAltDelicious Thu 23-Jul-15 16:16:56

Oh God OP. sad
Please just take 5 minutes to read some of the threads on here posted by women who are working damn hard, raising children alone despite the fathers' vile behaviour/abandonment. Please don't think for one second if you got pregnant by this man that he's suddenly revert to Mr Charming. He wouldn't. And you'd forever be linked to him.

You say you're a higher earner. Great! You have the option of getting out there, experiencing new things, meeting decent men. Please don't think this tosser is the best you can do. You're worth a lot more.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:17:15

No contraception, pulling out sometimes. He came three times. I am so messed in my head...

OP’s posts: |
KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:19:08

Thank you, CtrlAltDel. All men are married in their 50s in my free ones with no baggage. This is not the answer, I realise that. I am particularly upset about the s*x thing as my dad is a doctor and would kill me if he found out about it....

OP’s posts: |

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