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Any advice?

(11 Posts)
feelinghthelove Sat 11-Jul-15 18:44:09

Have an 11 yr old and we've literally just been to court for contact. The offer of contact was always there for him he just refused it. Anyway he got alternate weekends and anything else we can agree on. I've asked him if he would like a couple of nights for tea in the week but he refuses.
11yr old DS clearly misses dad, when he visits he returns home with the usual gifts, most weekends having had 100 quid spent on him.
Recently I've found messages from dad on DS phone, telling him now he's 11 he can chose where he wants to live. Ive spoken to DS who said he wants to live there cause dad treats him. Hardly a sufficient reason. He's happy at school and home and has a good group of friends. He's due to start high school soon and I want him to start on a good note. I don't want him starting thinking "i dont have to do anything here because I'm leaving soon"
DS friend has told me she will miss him in 3 weeks time when he moves, which is what DS has been telling her!
Ex is not someone I can approach. Everything he does is to get at me. If I say no he says yes, anything to cause me problems.
I've explained to DS that when he's finished school he can then chose.
Any advice with how else to approach this?

MrsLeighHalfpenny Sat 11-Jul-15 18:52:57

Is there a better reason why you don't want him living with his Dad?

feelinghthelove Sat 11-Jul-15 18:58:02

Many! So very many.
He can't even get his older child to school. Excluded, attends a pupil learning centre (hardly ever turns up). Always left home alone (starts work at 6am, gets home at 6pm). Always in trouble with the police.
If he lived there his life would just be ruined.

Elfdoor Sat 11-Jul-15 20:35:43

Would your 11year old sit down and talk to you if you explained the reason you don't want him to go live with dad?

Sounds to me like you have enough to say son would be better off living with you are you provide a more stable home, also it's clear dad is trying to buy son to get one up on you.

I would let him take you to court as I doubt they would let him move to dads given his history.

feelinghthelove Sun 12-Jul-15 11:09:19

Thank you.
I think I'm just drained with it all. Court is awful. The stress an worry really takes it's toll.
I know deep down he never will take me to court because he just likes to keep me in limbo.
I've sat DS down and he just says "cause" when asked why he wants to move.
Hopefully he'll really enjoy starting high school and moving will be at the back of his mind.

Elfdoor Sun 12-Jul-15 13:23:39

It is all energy sapping, but the day will come when you no longer have to deal with ex, my ex is threatening court as I have stopped all contact, I hope he goes to court as it will expose his stupid behaviour, this will be same for you ex.
courts are wise to the buying the children's attention with gifts or freedom beyond the age of the child.
Try not to worry about the battle that may not even come, once ex sees your not reacting to him game he may give up and move to the next tactic.
All about control with men like this.

feelinghthelove Mon 13-Jul-15 22:21:08

We've done court. Judges didn't care for his stupid behaviour. Not one bit.
They wouldn't even sort out holidays/Xmas/birthday. Simply said "alternate weekends, off you go, sort the rest yourselves"

Elfdoor Tue 14-Jul-15 11:28:24

If he goes for son to live with him you would need to oppose it then his behaviour could be brought into it, when it's just a contact thing they are more quick to say this is it off you go... Residency is more about the needs of the child.

I think you have the right idea, to just continue and hope that son will get so into his new school and a life with his new mates he will forget about dad a bit more. If it happens and son wants to live with dad deal with it then.

Did you not go threw mediation before court over contact?

feelinghthelove Tue 14-Jul-15 12:03:55

No. He refused. Or he made the appointment, had me take time off work, make arrangements for the kids to be picked up and he was a no show.

Elfdoor Tue 14-Jul-15 13:55:06

Courts are quite keep on mediation and it's good to a point but your ex sounds like he will just be an arse about it anyway, however the court would not like him not playing ball if he went for residence I would expect they would request mediation again. He has a long way to go to get what he wants. Controlling men don't like being told what to do by courts or solicitors, they just shout the odds at you because they think they can control wrong he is!

feelinghthelove Tue 14-Jul-15 22:22:57

It's almost like you KNOW him! Ha!
Thank you. You've put my mind at ease.

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