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marriage may be over

(5 Posts)
hmunro24 Tue 07-Jul-15 09:33:16

I'm in need of some advice and have no where to turn. I feel so trapped.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years and since our wedding we have had so many lows, most if not all of which have been caused by my husband who has been with other women, been into drugs etc. Since having my little girl a year ago I decided to give the marriage one more chance, and he is finally stepping up and being an amazing husband and father to our daughter. However this time, I'm not feeling it at all. I love him, but I think I love him as a best friend and I'm enjoying the company because it was horrible being on my own. I feel like such an idiot because he's finally being the man I always wanted him to be and now I'm not sure if I want to be married to him anyway.

Recently, another guy showed some interest unbeknown to him that I was married, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I'm not sure I really want to be with this other guy as such but it's bothering me that I enjoyed the attention so much.

Has anyone been through anything similar? Should I wait it out and hope it'll get better or should I throw in the towel?

Many thanks,
Xx

Scottysmum2008 Tue 07-Jul-15 10:04:59

Hi, sounds like you've been through a lot.
Is there the opportunity for you and your husband to have a short break without the baby and really talk about everything you've been through to get to here, to know whether your feelings have truly changed or if they are dormant for now?
As a wife it seems that you have been neglected somewhat with him having a affair - have you addressed that directly with him and has he apologised in any way that has meant you can move on?
Sounds like becoming a father has had an amazing impact on him which is wonderful. He is stepping up which is great but I think perhaps you may need to know his commitment to you is what it should be, and that may be something to build on.
That said, if after everything is out on the table and resolved and you still feel the same, is could be that part of your relationship has run its course, but perhaps eliminating everything else would be a good start.
The fact that the attention from someone else was enjoyable suggests that possibly the attention you are getting from your husband isn't making you remember why he fancied you as an attractive woman, and if you want to see if those feelings are still there he needs the opportunity to treat you like the woman he loves, as well as the mother to his child.
Men can't fix something if they don't know it's broken or damaged. You need to to really talk to each other to know what's going on and try to work from there.
The very best of luck whatever you decide.

hmunro24 Tue 07-Jul-15 12:12:29

Thank you scottysmum! This has helped to clarify a few things in my mind. I think we do need some time to ourselves to talk things through properly. I know he will always be sorry for how he treated me before and he is trying extra hard to put that right now. I just need to sort out my feelings.

I think initially I made another go of things for my daughter's sake and although to most that seems like a good enough reason, I think for our marriage it was the wrong reason. Because it has meant that there is no spark between us and everything is more of a chore.

I love him, and it scares me sometimes when I think about being without him. But at the same time starting fresh and being on my own and eventually meeting someone new is so appealing to me. I guess in the back of my mind I'm also expecting him to do wrong again so maybe I'm being ultra protective of myself and holding up a guard.

Thank you for your advice and support. I feel like I'm fanned if I do and fanned if I don't atm.

Xx

hmunro24 Tue 07-Jul-15 12:13:28

*damned

Scottysmum2008 Tue 07-Jul-15 14:32:48

Hope it works out for you whichever way it goes.
Self preservation is essential but it can affect how we view things, and your reservations are justified.
Realising the love you have could be different to how it was before is important, how we care for each other defines the type of relationship we have and reminds us of what we want. If it should all come to an end, you are still great parents to your baby but not maybe together, as you both need to be happy in the relationship.
It's a tough call, but take your time and the decisions right for you will be there.
All the very best xx

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