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Desperately lonely

(34 Posts)
Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 19:59:24

Does anyone else feel desperately alone? I'm a single mum, no family, only one child who needs me less and less. Been on my own 9 years and had a few disastrous 'flings' but struggling to meet someone nice. I do like being single as in I please myself etc but would be nice to have 'someone'. I've joined two dating sites and I'm so disappointed I get matched with fat balding men in their 50s and 60s! POF has had more success but the guys who message me either live more than 100 miles away (what's the point?) or are not my type. All my friends are married or paired up and the ones who aren't have mums, dad's, brothers and sisters who they do family stuff with. I just feel desperately lonely hmmhmm

hesterton Fri 03-Jul-15 20:01:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:04:00

I agree but surely you have to have that attraction there? If there's no spark then what's the point?

lighteningirl Fri 03-Jul-15 20:08:55

I went for a year of dating everyone who asked/going to social events just generally stepping out of my comfort zone and my now husband it turns out had been interested for years and didn't think I would consider him,he moved in 3 weeks after our first date. Start dating those men change your expectations read some dating self help books and change yourself, not drastically but look at why lovely nice men might not be approaching you worked for me after 16 years of being single smile

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:11:57

Thank you lighteningirl.....
I'm really out the loop re dating!! But I have to be attracted to someone. I'm not talking aesthetically good looking as 'beauty in the eye of the beholder' what I find attractive lots may not! But there has to be 'something' be it a quirky personality or a cheeky smile?

DoctorTwo Fri 03-Jul-15 20:19:15

Hello Shoegal, if you want a coffee friend I'll gladly volunteer if you're anywhere near me. I am, I admit, a 50 year young man who is bald but not fat. I am not looking for romance because I'm an ugly bleeder and think sometimes the world should be spared the sight of ugly blokes. I'd like more friends though, who wouldn't?

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:22:41

Doctor two I've mis-worded my original post!!! I'm not anti fat or anti bald!!!! It was just a stupid phrase I used to get across the point none of the men i was suggested on these dating sites were men I felt I would want to meet! Lots of them were skinny and hairy haha!!!! wink

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:24:37

And I've already warmed to you cos you've made me laugh hence my point that there has to be 'something'!!!! So enough of the 'spare the world ugly blokes' you are attractive because of your banter!

Mimigolightly Fri 03-Jul-15 20:30:01

I went through a year of dating anyone & everyone too. Had some laughs, lots of alcohol and some great sex (safe, of course). I agree that you have to have an initial spark but I did find that my attraction to some men grew the more I knew them. I met my current DP on Tinder and we've been together a year now and I couldn't be happier. I would never have met him IRL.
Good luck and keep looking - there is someone out there.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Fri 03-Jul-15 20:34:37

What is wrong with 'fat and balding' ? You know physical attraction can grow,right? That being attracted to a person as that person,can bring everything with it? Maybe stop looking at what they look like so much and get to know some,you never know...

Ps I really like a guy older than me who has a bald patch, I think his bald patch is quite cute!!!blush

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:37:00

As I said 'fat and bald' was a stupid example! I shouldn't have used it! My point is I HAVE to be attracted to someone. Be it looks or banter/personality? I wouldn't meet someone just because it's 'someone'.

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:37:49

And I do tend to go for younger men who don't have a bald patch but that's just my preference......

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Fri 03-Jul-15 20:46:22

Well,have you actually talked to any of the guys you have been matched with? I know nothing about online dating (and to be fair,I've never done 'looking' either) but I can imagine people can find it quite awkward and you may not get to 'see' the real person. So that's something to bare in mind.

Also, being 'desperately lonely' if you do really feel that way then you may be putting too much pressure on yourself, idealising what you want and other things which may all get in the way,perhaps.

Shoegal0305 Fri 03-Jul-15 20:50:21

I think I do put too much pressure on myself...... And everyone else.....I feel I am looking for one person to fill that void...... Of mum/dad/siblings etc..... Everything I don't have.

Yes I've chatted to folk on the dating sites. Most of them want a no strings sex thing! The others just didn't catch my interest and trust me I really am open minded .......

Babymamamama Fri 03-Jul-15 20:54:51

Shoegal maybe the younger guys you had flings with weren't ready? For relationships I mean. I would really try to broaden your image in your mind of who can be a march for you and try to put out of your mind the idea of a type. It's very limiting. Instead try to see who takes an interest in you. A slightly older man may be more loyal, mature in his approach etc.

broadbeanstew Fri 03-Jul-15 20:57:30

I know what you mean, online dating is hard going these days. I'm currently seeing someone I met on POF but if it doesn't work out I can't bear the thought of going back to it, might have to try the real life way! It is hard when everyone else is coupled up, and like you I have no family around.

No advice really, just sympathy! Sometimes I can't ever imagine being in a serious relationship again.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Fri 03-Jul-15 21:03:29

Then maybe you need to be happier with your lot first? I have no family either,well I have a huge family but no contact (abusive parents,bizarre family) aside from occasionally assisting my ancient dad (he's alone and nobody deserves to die alone!). I'm a single parent with a severely autistic son and have lived on my own with him since I was 17,having had an ' on off' relationship with his double lifed cheating father who stayed only at weekend!

I can understand you feeling like you've missed out and I know you get to see your friends having all the 'normal' stuff, but you should be able to be ok with your lot,get on with it,accept it and be happy. If you want a partner want a partner as a partner,to complete you or whatever,fill the 'partner void' perhaps,as long as not a desperate attempt, not to replace every other person that hasn't been in your life. Unless you happen across someone feeling the same way,that is,that could work.

On the other hand, if you are really desperate, I have a male friend I would quite happily set someone up with so he doesn't try to bother me anymore grin

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Fri 03-Jul-15 21:06:56

* just to add, I may just be completely weird!

Flowerpower41 Sun 05-Jul-15 06:27:36

If you have sufficient time and funds to go out then try meet up dot com in your area to go out and socialise with both men and women as friends. That way you will see things that are of interest to you and you will build up a social life with plenty of contacts in it and some of those may well turn into decent friendships and you can work on having men as friends which is the best way.

I have very little access and not really funds for sitters so can't go at present but I plan to in the future again as it is a good way to have a ready made social life.

Dating sites in general, although a few do have success with it, are very infrequently successful for finding a true partner, there are more bad stories than good about them. You can still stay on pof if you like but amend the radius to only include those within say 30 miles and certain ages only you just amend the settings.

There is nothing to feel guilty about if you don't fancy fat balding men. I know I certainly do not!

That way you could still keep it as an option but know that you have a social life building up alongside through meet up dot com. I don't have any family support either to go to things which is why I can't really use that medium until my son is a bit older i.e. when he is 15 and I can go out on my own without a sitter at all. So 5 more years and counting!

Good luck op.

Shoegal0305 Sun 05-Jul-15 19:59:23

Thankyou flower power.......

You seem to completely understand my predicament xxx

Flowerpower41 Mon 06-Jul-15 06:19:26

That's ok shoegal - you might also find that by writing a succinct eloquent profile on pof you attract some of the more educated and cultured end of the spectrum - especially if you outline your hobbies and interests and sell yourself as well as possible so to speak! It's all in the marketing.

I would still do the social life route too. I may try and fund two evenings a month soon to socialise in and fund (the charge is minimum wage for professional sitters) so I can go out with my finances somehow. Don't think I can last 4-5 more years before going out! Ds only sees his dad 4 times a year for a week each time.....

Shoegal0305 Mon 06-Jul-15 08:06:49

Flowerpower it's so hard isn't it? My son is nearly 13 so old enough to leave while I go shopping or even a drink with friends on a Saturday afternoon while he is out with his friends but I obviously can't leave him at night. So a few more years and I will have that little bit more freedom. Everywhere I look are families, not just couples but mums/dads/grans/granddad etc it seems everyone has 'someone'?

If I am ill I have to manage. If anything serious happened to me it scares me to think what I'd do?

POF seems better than eharmony I'm so disappointed with that! Cost me a fortune to subscribe, wish I'd not bothered now haven't had one person who caught my éye! I've changed my parameters so it should bring up matches within 100 miles it is suggesting men over 200 miles away! I've changed the age to 30-50 it is giving me men in their 50s and 60s!

PID I've had a few messages off men but again they live a distance away so what's the point? I don't want a man who has to travel 109+ miles! One man sent me his number and said ring him as he was coming to where I live and did I want some fun!! Another messaged me and said he was actually 21 (I like them young but not THAT young!!).... And went into detail of the sexual things he wanted to do to me!!!! Arrgghhconfusedconfused

Shoegal0305 Mon 06-Jul-15 08:08:13

That's meant to say POF not PID lol

DoctorTwo Mon 06-Jul-15 10:10:14

I tried POF and boy, was it scary. I put a pic, just a head shot (I'm not that ugly, despite what I wrote earlier) and ticked the box for 'Does not want children.' I wrote that I had 3 and had had a vasectomy. Oh. My. Word... The amount of vitriol I got in my inbox shock from women way younger than the age range I'd selected was such that I shut down the account after a couple of weeks.

Good luck.

Flowerpower41 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:40:35

I go to a spiritual group weekly for an outlet and as I am self-employed go to that daytimes so need no sitter. is handy if you have sufficient funds. I haven't used them yet as I begrudge needing to pay!! I may still use them however.

On the dating note if you amend your settings you won't get bombarded with people of other ages on pof. I do not use those sites any more as I got tired of the cattle market approach. It is far better to meet someone either through work or through an interest group as it is less forced. That is just my experience anyway. Good luck to those who have found dating sites have worked out but I would say they are in the minority.

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