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Did he come back when your child was born?

(21 Posts)
Wildflower91 Sun 21-Jun-15 21:33:17

Hi all, I am 9 weeks pregnant with IDENTICAL TWINS (eeeek!!) and my boyfriend left me when he found out, he said he felt like he was being forced to be a family and he didn't love me and he never did. I've had no word from him since. I'm just wondering, did your child's father become more interested when the child was born? Or did they never come back? I'm wondering if this guy is just in a state of shock or if this will be more permanent..interested to hear all your stories! smile

cestlavielife Sun 21-Jun-15 22:39:50

Why would you want him back ?

Get support in place to have them on your own and let him know once they born

. Then let him make the effort or not...you can see if he wants to be involved or not. If so set your boundaries.

Wildflower91 Sun 21-Jun-15 22:53:06

It's not so much I want him back, im just curious if other fathers tend to get regrets towards the end and went back into the picture. I have the most amazing support and I haven't needed him a day so far, long may it continue smile

needalifeline Mon 22-Jun-15 10:50:37

When they are born hun put an application in for child support, they come back then. You stay strong and do it alone its less hassle and less stress and eve if he did come back you'd never trust him after he's done that

Patchworkpatty Mon 22-Jun-15 11:00:25

It depends how long you had been together before you got pregnant and how much say he had in the pregnancy. There are two fairly standard scenarios. one where you have been together a good few years and have made a conscious decision to have a family (still really daft without being married but that's a whole different thread ) and the second where you have been together a few weeks /months and have been sloppy with contraception (telling him you're covered when you're not ) or he was stupid enough to knowingly have unprotected sex and you agreed to it.. In the first case it sometimes just comes as a shock and a few weeks down the line/scan pictures etc it all becomes reality and they man up. The second situation is a hiding to nothing. No one could/should be bounced into fatherhood. The best you can hope for is csa support if you are lucky and the very expensive price he will pay for not taking care of contraception himself !

Wildflower91 Mon 22-Jun-15 12:17:27

patty I think I need student finance for that lecture!! LOL thanks everyone, good to hear others experiences

kittensinmydinner Mon 22-Jun-15 22:20:47

Don't understand the 'student finance' comment, as advice seems quite straightforward answer to the question you posed OP. Do they come back ? Well, yes more chance than not if you had been together a while and discussed it. It sometimes takes men a while to 'come to terms' with the reality of being a parent. (Poor little lambies) but if this is unplanned and ESPECIALLY if he thought/you told him contraception was in place then I guess he will want no involvement as he hasn't had any choice in the matter except to not wear a condom, and yes, he will have to pay for that poor choice for 18yrs.

Lonz Mon 22-Jun-15 22:48:31

I've not seen my son's dad since he left me at 16wks pregnant, son is 3 now. My mum let him know when I went into labour. I thought he would come back and be interested. No.
I have heard of dads wanting to be there afterwards, but really I don't understand why they go in the first place just because they're "not ready yet" when we have to get used to it the day we find out we're pregnant! We can't have "time to adjust to it" when we're sent for scans and antenatals and it's becoming more real.
If they're not there in the beginning then... do they deserve it?

Patchworkpatty Tue 23-Jun-15 08:45:56

I don't agree Lonz, no one 'has to get used to it ' That is my (and I think Patchwork's point ) This is not the 1950's where getting pregnant outside marriage was the woman's 'fault' nor equally where the man is expected to stand by her when an unexpected pregnancy happens. No one should have the choice of parenthood foisted upon them. Babies should be wanted by both parents unless one parent has absolutely decided to go it alone. (think frozen eggs/donors etc) but if a woman decides that sleeping with someone with whilst using inadequate contraception/ lying about contraception (before I get flamed it happens a lot !) or not bothering to get the MOP. when a accident has happened and she decides of her own free will to continue a pregnancy KNOWING this is not what her sexual partner wants , then he owes nothing morally. He will of course owe financially. This is why boys/men need more control over their fertility and should never have sex without a condom unless in a committed relationship where they want children.

CarlPoppaJaJiggyJarJardoo Tue 23-Jun-15 08:51:28

My ex left when I was six months pg DD is 14 this year,he's never met her or payed any cs.

itsbetterthanabox Tue 23-Jun-15 08:59:49

Patchworkpatty.
Why are you making this into some MRA rant? You just assume the op was lying about contraception? And you can't just claim women do that a lot. What are you basing that on?
Contraception does fail and if both parties choose to use none then it is equally his doing. Of course he has a moral responsibility to the children. Why should he not? Sex often means pregnancy and once pregnant he can't control someone else's body. He always has a moral responsibility for any children created.

KatharineClifton Tue 23-Jun-15 09:02:53

Nope. Twins too, who are now 13. To put a spoke in pattys post, this was a planned pregnancy (obviously neither of us anticipated twins) and we'd be together a fair few years before. I did my best to get him involved but it came to nowt. I've always talked about him to my DC keeping it age appropriate and not running him down, and a couple of years they were mithering me a lot to see him so I tracked him down. Got a load of abuse and he definitely didn't want to meet his children. Gobshite. Nowt I can say now to make my DC think well of him.

Good luck with your pregnancy, and it's easier to say than do, but try not to let the stress affect you too much. And get as much help as possible sorted for the first 6 months at least.

firesidechat Tue 23-Jun-15 09:06:08

That is my (and I think Patchwork's point )

I want to know why Patchwork is referencing her own post.

KatharineClifton Tue 23-Jun-15 09:11:09

I have read since that it is even more common with twins than singletons.

Wildflower91 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:34:25

Just to confirm I did not lie about contraception (forgive me father for I have sinned) LOL

Lonz Tue 23-Jun-15 19:49:02

I got pregnant whilst on the pill. And God forbid I wasn't married either! It's not the 1950's; women don't need to be "kept" these days. He walked even though he agreed with me to continue the pregnancy. I don't appreciate sticking up for men that walked away when there's women left high and dry! They can't bounce back thinking it's okay. So they can go fuck themselves.

laura0007 Sun 05-Jul-15 06:46:39

nope my ds's dad never came back. he left when he found out I was pregnant saying he never wanted kids and I've not seen him since. he's avoiding paying maintenance as well by declaring himself bankrupt so it appears he has no money. My DS is 17 months now and we are a good little team just us two.

CuttedUpPear Sun 05-Jul-15 07:50:32

My XP came back when DD was a few months old.

Biggest mistake of (that part) of my life. I thought it was the right thing to do. What an idiot I was.

Turns out it's not about the bloke after all....your DCs come first and trying to patch up a relationship with an irresponsible adult isn't part of that picture.

enderwoman Mon 06-Jul-15 10:57:10

The first year of having a baby when you're in a couple is one of the toughest hurdles that a couple go through so goodness knows how people manage a reconciliation as a couple when going through stress like lack of sex, sleep, money etc.

Sanityseeker75 Mon 06-Jul-15 14:43:41

My DH and his ex split when she was pregnant with DSS, she called him when she went into labour and he took her to hospital and was there for birth, he collected her and took her and DSS home when they came out of hospital and has been a constant in DSS (and DSD's life). He has them EW and whenever they want to stay as well as holidays etc. It has not always been plain sailing between the two of them as there was a lot of bitterness on both sides (him because they had only been together a few months before she fell pregnant with DSD and when she told him she wanted another and he said no not yet as they were already finding it hard to cope she went ahead anyway, him because he felt there was no trust and she betrayed him and admitted that because he stuck it out with the first she thought he would just bow down the next). He did have little involvement in pregnancy but still saw her regularly as they had DSD. I think he has managed to be dad and show support despite they are not together and from her part she accepts that actually he was not the love of her life like she thought and is very happy cohabiting with someone else who she does truly love.

HeisenbergSaysHello Mon 06-Jul-15 14:46:39

Yes mine did. We went on to have another child and have now been together nearly 9 years.

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