How can I be free from my ex when we have to stay in touch re kids?

(11 Posts)
Frannie120 Sun 21-Jun-15 01:25:58

I left my children's father 18 months ago as he was emotionally abusing me, had no respect for me and didn't take any or very little responsibility for our two children.
It has been a nightmare ever since, firstly he denied me access to the house we shared so I found myself homeless with 2 young kids. Had to take him to court (police couldn't do anything as they said it was a civil matter). We now have a 50-50 residential order in place via court. I thought he would calm down but he hasn't. He's harassing me in various ways, texting, emailing demanding information, he filmed me when I picked up the kids, he's blackmailing me to gain info, he's insinuating I hurt my children, he's calling me a bad mother, he tells the kids bad things (untrue) about me. The list goes on and on.
I want to go back to court to get him out of my life, but how do I do this? I need to be in contact with him about the kids but he's draining me completely and I want to move on with my life. I don't want the kids not to see their dad, but I can't deal with him anymore.
Does anyone have similar experience?

Theselittlelightsaremine Sun 21-Jun-15 01:32:09

Go back to court and suggest using a contact center.

AlpacaMyBags Sun 21-Jun-15 01:44:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theselittlelightsaremine Sun 21-Jun-15 01:51:30

Like Alpaca just said you could get a PAYG phone.
tell him the phone will be turned on, morning of agreed contact day and turn back off, once contact is over.

bloodyteenagers Sun 21-Jun-15 02:09:04

Ok what I did was I set up an email address just for him, and i then set
Controls to only work on specific days. Days it wasn't set, sent out a
Message saying this was out of contact days so don't expect an answer.
I also had a payg sim.

I them sent him a text and an email giving him the contact details.
Explaining outside contact days these would not be responded to. That if contact was not specifically associated to the children, messages would be ignored and kept. Any harrassment or abuse would be reported. Also calls would be ignored full stop.

He was such an idiot. He used the
Emails and phone numbers both new and old to abuse and harass. He sent lots of abuse to original contact details because it was fair
Game and the instructions
Only applied to new contact details.

Luckily the high court didn't see it in the same way. He was given a supervision order and the chances
If ever having unsupervised was never going to happen. And I have a life time injunction... Although
All this was possibly helped because he abused the
Staff in family court in the early days.

Basically seek legal advice. Get this from someone who specialise in family law. You need someone who truly understands article 8 and
That family life doesn't just apply to him but also you and the kids. That
Stalking interferes with this, as
Does false allegations and filming outside own access time. Filming also opens up other violations because you haven't consented to you being filmed and again it
Goes back to false allegations.. However privacy laws are very, very complex.

NoMoreParades Sun 21-Jun-15 10:35:54

What you describe really does sound like stalking and harassment, I'd ring the police and get some advice, start getting incidents logged. My ex does things like this, even though we've been split nearly 3 years, after a recent incident I reported him to the police and intend to do so from now every time I feel intimidated by him, verbally, physically, even via email. They were great and reminded me that what he's doing actually is not ok and is a criminal offence.
Have a look at the laws of harassment and stalking on the CAB website, it might help you take some power back from this idiot.

Mummy321 Sun 21-Jun-15 22:38:27

You could get a non molestation order. You apply for it at county court and they will prescribe how and when he can contact you (if they deem his behaviour bad). If he breaches it, it is a criminal offense and they have to enforce it = criminal record.

As for separate phone for him and restricted times, that would frighten me in case there was an emergency? If he has to take your child to hospital, you'd want to know...

Frannie120 Mon 22-Jun-15 10:48:01

Thanks everyone, some really useful advice.
I think the PAYG option would scare me in case of emergency. I think I will have to go back to court and try to get everything set out in an order, then if he violates it, it would be easier to deal with it.
The problem is that he is always on the verge of harassment, he is filming me in public places, which is not a criminal offence. I have reported all to the police but they cant do anything as I have to be in contact with him because of the kids.
Problem is that going to court is so very expensive! And there are no guarantees, this scares me very much.

CrushedCan Wed 24-Jun-15 00:29:30

At the moment any contact I have with the ex is all done via email so there is proof of his crazy talk. I don't wish or need to see him or speak to him in person so I get his parents to collect the kids. He isn't happy with this because he's not in control of the situation but tough shit! If you have a friend/family member willing to take the kids to him, do it!

midsummabreak Sun 12-Jul-15 04:54:36

Hi fran120

Good luck with going through legal advice and if necessary, attending court. It is well worth taking legal action for your sense of wellbeing and mental health and for the mental health of your children who will no doubt feel confused by his lies and behaviour.
Continue to document each filming, verbal abuse and any other forms of harassment and do not feel ashamed of keeping a record - this may come in handy for court and also may help you feel justified for having to take legal action, when you se how much he continues to cross over the line. There are laws in place to protect women and families if he continues to cross over the line you have no other choice but to defend yourself.

Elfdoor Sun 12-Jul-15 09:42:36

The stuff you talk about is harassment and could also still be classed as domestic abuse as he is your ex and emotional abuse is recognised
as being harmful in same way violence is. Go to police and ask to speak to a member of the domestic violence team.

Cut the ways he contacts you down, I had another mobile for my ex to contact me on I turned it off when kids were with me, it stopped the abuse and I never got any texts, emails wise I stopped replying and just got my solicitor to reply to him, I don't get emails anymore, just the odd one. Now he sends letters recorded post, I send them to my solicitor to reply......

Nothing will stop the feeling of stress when he contacts but reduce his contact. If you can use a contact centre to drop off or even your solicitors office he will be less likely to be a prat.

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