Please help, need advice(5 Posts)
I hope everyone is having a good day. I really need some advice and reassurance.
I split with my ex nearly 3 years ago. I made the decision to leave. We have a now 5 year old son and contact has always been: week 1: Weds overnight to thurs and sun afternoon, week 2: weds evening and sat afternoon to sun evening. This has been the arrangement for the past 3 years with little disagreement about it. Things have been kept amicable. I started dating someone 18 months ago and my ex wasn't happy about it and kept saying that he didn't like that another man was in our sons life. Our son has a good relationship with each of us and extended family. I had to reassure him that I would be seeing my partner at the times when our son with him. I got my partner involved in my sons live slowly and they both get on well. My partner and I are now at the stage where we have been talking about moving in together. I mentioned it to my ex and he is now saying that he wants more contact with our son as he doesn't want another male seeing him anymore than him. He has threatened court, which I was surprised at as he only wants to due to feeling threatened by my partner moving in. He has met my partner a number of times and knows he is safe to be about etc. My ex has only been giving £40-50 pm towards our son since we split and refused to pay anymore as it was my choice to leave him so why should he pay. Other than I pay everything else.
I just really want some reassurance that my ex is being unreasonable. Its nothing about seeing more of our son, its the fact that he will have another male in his life. I have had no issues with any girlfriends my ex has had (hes not with anyone at the moment). He argues that his partners would only see our son a few times a week, whilst my partner would be about a lot more. I have tried to see both sides but I feel like Im not allowed to have another partner or ever be married because if I do my ex will try taking me to court. Will the court just reinforce the contact arrangements we have at the moment? I really need some advice, I am at the point where I am losing sleep with worry. Part of me thinks I should never have another partner until our son is 18, but I really do love the man I am with and we are very happy. Im not too sure what to do
So at the moment he's seeing your son 1 night a week, and another evening or day that week. That actually isn't that much, realistically. A pattern of every other weekend/a night in the week would be fairly standard - which is essentially 4 nights per fortnight. He presumably takes your son to school on the thursday morning he has him, so could you suggest something like every other weekend Sat morning - monday (so 2 nights) then a night in the week in between?
If he goes to court and is keen for more contact, he is likely to get it, as you obviously have no objections to him having contact and at present it is on the low side of what many keen for contact fathers have.
The maintenance is a seperate issue, and of course he should be supporting his son - I would suggest contacting the CMS (or telling him you will do unless he starts paying the recommended % to you himself).
Perhaps now your ds is at school it is the right time to review contact arrangements? Every other weekend Friday after school to dropping off at school on a Monday morning and then one weekday evening per week overnight?
That means in terms of your sons non-school time your ex would see you more equally.
The biggest question is `What is in the best interests of your DS?'
So if he goes to court and says he is seeking a change because `he doesn't want another male seeing him anymore than him' he won't get far. That has no bearing on your DS' best interests.
It's normal for ex's to be concerned when the other parent meets/moves in with someone else. It's fairly common for mums to suddenly stop contact/demand dad dumps his girlfriend when she learns of a new relationship, or demands to `vet' her. You're seeing the same sort of thing and it's just as unreasonable.
If your ex is seeking a change in arrangements that is one thing - and it's something you should discuss with him to come to some kind of compromise. If he's doing it for that reason along, it isn't going to go far.
You have the right to move on with your life!
He cannot dictate who you live with - ex means ex.
Call his bluff and let him take you to court! The court will always look out for what is best for the child and see to previous arrangements. If the previous arrangement has been working fine up until now, it it likely they will recommend to keep it as it is.
You are free to live your life and to get married and have more children. Don't let him stop you and don't feel bad.
Good luck x
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