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Is there anything I can do to protect my son if anything happens to me?

(17 Posts)
ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 10:18:20

Hello, I am posting because I am unsure whether there is anything I can do.
I have a toddler son that is almost two years old and I want to make sure he is cared for properly if anything were to happen to me.

His dad sees him once or twice a week at our house (too far to take DS to his often) but he's not fit to care for DS full time, to be honest I wouldn't want him to have him alone for a full day.

His dad is genuinely a nice person but he is lazy and a useless father.
He has been here over an hour and has barely said a word to our son, he is laid on the settee complaining he feels sick.

He doesn't take him outside, dress him, bath him, pretty much anything. He barely even plays with him. If anything needs doing I have to tell him or else it's basically a normal day of me looking after our son whilst his dad sits there doing nothing.

I am a full time student and a full time single parent and I make sure every area of our lives are fulfilled. When choosing a nursery for DS I asked his dad if he wants to come look at the nursery and he said no, he couldn't even tell you which one his son goes to.

I know he would never harm DS but I know that if I were to die and DS went to live with his dad his life wouldn't be a good one. He would be dumped on his mother who is severely depressed and he would be kept indoors for the majority of his life, this is no exaggeration.

Is there any way I can make my wishes clear that I do not want him to live with his father if anything were to happen? I feel I've read before that you can talk to a lawyer about it?

He is on the birth certificate and pays to us.

If anything needs clarifying feel free to ask, I hope I have explained things clearly enough!

ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 10:41:11

I used to feel their relationship was beneficial for DS when he was younger but now I'm unsure. The moment I realised his dad probably was never going to be a good father was when he was abou

ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 10:41:59

About 9 months old and I asked him to bath DS while I was making tea and tidying up and he said no, I asked him why and his words were "because I don't want to"

BlackeyedSusan Tue 16-Jun-15 10:58:59

is he just lazy or is he dangerous?

if he is lazy he may agree to your son being brought up by grandma, say, with similar visiting rights. may be you could sell it to him as him still having time to go out at the weekend and go on holiday as he wants and socialise as he wants withoiut the difficulty of school runs and child care in the holidays.

ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 11:24:11

I'd say lazy but not dangerous but not far off neglectful, I don't believe he'd dress him, bath him or ever cook him a proper meal if he had full time care of him.

I want my parents to raise my son if anything happened to me as they'd definitely raise him well and they'd want to raise him.

Springtimemama Tue 16-Jun-15 11:29:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowdaisies Tue 16-Jun-15 11:30:32

I think you can express your wishes in a will, but if your DS's dad has PR (which he will have as he's on the birth certificate) then your parents would still have to take it to court to get custody. That's assuming your DS's dad wanted him full time. If he's as lazy as you say it sounds like he might be quite happy for your parents to be the main carers of your DS, and to go on just seeing him a bit as he is doing right now. Or he might grow up and rise to the ocassion I guess - with some support from your parents maybe?

cestlavielife Tue 16-Jun-15 15:22:50

you need to stop having him seeing ds round at yours - of course dad wont do anything if you there.

"He has been here over an hour and has barely said a word to our son, he is laid on the settee complaining he feels sick. "
well of course if you there he isnt going to change - send him out with ds.

start implementing a rule that dad sees ds at his place or outside your home. otherwise no he will never learn...

sen ds out with him for one hour then two then the whole day. your ds is almost two he is not a newborn. unless his dad has special needs or something then he can darn well learn to take care of him outside your home.

either he will learn - [and dont micro manage, just send out the usual changing bag and leave the rest to dad and dont comment if things go wrong unless it's serious neglect] or you will get evidence of his neglect.

given dad is involved in some way you can express preference for a guardian but dad could contest at court and SS would evaluate.

cestlavielife Tue 16-Jun-15 15:23:55

does your ex dress himself, cook for himself, wash himself? if he can manage himself he CAN manage a toddler...maybe he hasnt been given the chance or been forced to if you always around doing it?

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 16-Jun-15 15:27:29

honestly I would stop him 'lying on the sofa' at your house - let him step up to the mark.

ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 15:40:38

I will book to see a lawyer to make sure my wishes are noted, thank you for the advice.

He sees DS at my house because he can't take him to where he lives with his parents because to collect him and bring him back it would take 4 hours in total.
I don't hang over them when he's here and I always go out for a couple of hours.

He can take care of himself but he does the bare minimum in all areas of his life.
He used to have DS alone for an entire day when he was younger and was good with him but now he's just getting worse it seems. Especially when he got a new girlfriend I could see the difference instantly, he sat there on his phone more and more and stopped coming as often.

His dad also makes EVERYTHING hard work to intentionally upset me, he has a poisonous attitude at times.

I always used to make sure they had time alone together but now the thought of leaving him alone with DS for long periods of time fills me with dread because he never gets on the floor and plays or anything.

I just can't believe how he's changed, he's never been an amazing father but at least I could trust him. It's now the TV that babysits whenever I'm not around.

yellowdaisies Tue 16-Jun-15 16:55:18

It's summer. Can he not take DS out for an hour or two to the park or something? It is really hard to feel like you're in charge of a child if their primary carer is nearby, or even of you're in their home. He would have to pay attention to DS at the park or he'd lose him. My ex became a better parent once he started having time with DD without me being around. DD learned to demand the attention she needed from her dad (rather than me) and ex found his own ways of doing things.

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 16-Jun-15 16:57:40

I agree, LET him be a dad by banning him from your house.

ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 20:55:43

He doesn't want to take DS outside, I have to make him take him for a walk. He's never even taken him to the park!
If I suggest he takes him he asks if I'm coming too and when I say no he strops like a child.
I realise it sounds like this is my doing but he's reluctant to do anything at all either off his own back or with suggestions, I have to tell him to take his own child out of the house or get him dressed, it's ridiculous.

DS can only go to his dad's when his grandad on that side of the family isn't working so he can pick him up and fetch him back, his mother then most likely does most of the work looking after DS at their house.

I wish his dad didn't come to the house, but I'm not sure what the solution is if I'm honest!

cestlavielife Tue 16-Jun-15 21:34:04

The solution is to say he takes him out or no contact. If that means only once per month with grandparents too then so be it. Just say no to your ex coming to your house. Full stop. If he does come then gave him wait outside put ds coat on znd say off you go see you in an hour.

ProfessorPickles Tue 16-Jun-15 21:45:31

It's definitely worth a go, I suppose it can't get much worse than it is currently! I was close to throwing him out today because of how he was behaving.

Neither me or DS have anything to lose really, but hopefully he will realise he needs to sort himself out and care for DS properly

wannabestressfree Tue 16-Jun-15 21:59:42

He needs to step up so you need to put your foot down and give him a time to pick him up and say your busy. If he refuses then he doesn't come.
You are making it too easy for him to be a lazy parent. You need to seperate contact and you...,

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