Sometimes I get so angry with my kids it scares me

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I'm recently separated (my choice) with custody of my 2 boys (5 and 2). It's been a stressful few months but that's no excuse. Sometimes when the kids are whining I just blow my top and end up screaming at them. I hate myself for but can't seem to prevent it. I've also found myself really close to hurting them through sheer temper. What can I do to try and prevent this? Does anyone else get like this? I just worry so much that it's abuse.

[GinGinGin]

No it's not abuse and yes, it's completely normal

[Bellemere]

It is common to feel like this when you are stressed but if it's scaring you, it's going to be scaring your children and I think you are right to consider asking for help.

Counselling can help, either through your GP, through a charity or privately. I'd also ask for help from your health visitor, especially if you feel like you are close to harming them. I'd also consider contacting Home Start or asking friends and family for practical support as well.

Separating is really tough and it's important that you get all the support you can.

[chocoraisin]

it's normal to a certain extent but I know that I have felt the same as you on occasion (my boys are 2 and 4) and I hated that feeling so much I have actively done stuff to overcome it. I've worked with a counseller to deal with my anger over my divorce, this is the first thing I would suggest. Take your adult emotions to an adult to deal with. Even if you instigaged the split you'll have a mess of emotions to deal with. So deal with them, appropriately - it's not a sign of weakness but strength to see a counseller for that kind of thing.

I have also seen a mindfulness coach to get a grip on better ways to express or diffuse my emotions. I've studied yoga for a year now to give myself a practical daily routine for being in my best, most resourceful state (yes, it works if you actually do it!) I've also followed gentle parenting and parenting by connection blogs for ideas to help me build positive discipline into my parenting tool box.

You're not the only person by far who has felt like this, but that doesn't mean you can't change it. Parents grow and evolve with their children. Know that you are immensely powerful and have the ability to educate yourself, resource yourself and grow into the parent you want to be. If that's a calmer, more loving, gentler parent then get yourself to that point :) I say this with love, because it's exactly what I've done. It's still a work in progress but I am proud of the effort I've put in and I know in the long run it'll help me raise kinder, gentler boys. Lord knows I left their dad so that would be more likely!

[Letmegetanamechange]

I get like that too sometimes OP, don't beat yourself up! I find that when I really feel like things are getting on top of me I just have to put my DD in her cot (even if she's screaming and crying) and go into another room and cry/scream into a pillow!

It must be tough with 2 children, please be kind to yourself. I think we ALL get like that sometimes.

[Steadycampaign]

Shouting is obviously not ideal but I'm certain we've all done it. I certainly have!

You are going through a stressful time and need some time out and some support. It's a positive sign that you have recognised this so you can get some help.

Do you have anyone you can confide in? Anyone who would offer practical baby-sitting help so you can take regular breaks?

Can you create a bit of a sanctuary for yourself in your home where you can go when you need 10 mins?

And when you have all calmed down it's good to apologise to the dc and explain why you are so stressed and angry (in an age appropriate manner) and tell them you shouldn't have shouted and feel badly about doing so.

[Obviously (I'm sure not but it's very difficult to tell from one posting on social media) if you really feel you can't help acting on your urge to physically hurt them, then you need to seek professional help immediately.]

Two boys aged 5 & 2 is a lot to manage on your own. Give yourself credit that you are there for them. You wouldn't be posting on here if you weren't worried about them and didn't love them massively x

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I always apologise to the boys when I've lost it, and it doesn't happen every day, but it does bother me how out of control I feel.

There isn't any help available from HV as I asked previously and the services have been cut right back. I might speak to the local wellbeing service to see if they can offer anything, Ive been under them for my depression and can self refer.

[Flowerpower41]

MyGastIsFlabbered if you need to offload by all means keep posting on here but in addition there is always Family Lives to call up (previously Parentline) on 0808 800 2222. They are a listening service who understand family support issues including single parenting situations.

They are open 7 am to midnight daily and are operated by volunteers I believe. Getting through to them can be problematic but if you take a look on their website //www.familylives.org.uk it should give you a general idea.

Good luck!

[Wotsitsareafterme]

I blow my top sometimes and it feels really disproportionate. What's helped me is apologising to the kids when I have calmed down. Mine are 5 and 2 as well I know how you feel. I say 'mummy was very shouty, I'm really sorry about that but you did x and it made mummy cross. Please help me by being helpful next time but I shouldn't shout so much I was feeling a bit tired/poorly. I am sorry' I know dd2 doesn't understand but I think dd1 really does she quite sage about it really. Also I hope it stops her worrying about it

[willthiseverbloodystop]

I had this after leaving an abusive relationshop earlier this year. what has totally worked for me is to create a smily / sad face reward chart and when she winds me up I tell her i will put a sad face on and going to do that calms me and she actually hates that way more than me shouting. If i shout she just shouts back and it has no effect on her behaviour. Sad faces do! And last couple of months I haven;t shouted at her in anger (just - put your shoes on we're late for school!) It really worked for me.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I used to give mine trouble when they were whiny like that. trouble being tickling in ds's case, blowing raspberries on both or kissing dd. used to diffuse the whiney/shouty cycle... mostly.

[Bellemere]

I do wonder what the responses would be if the OP had said "My children have come back from their father's house upset because he got angry and screamed at them"...

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Bellemere, the fundamental difference is that I have the kids most of the time, my ex only has them once a week, he doesn't have to deal with the wakings in the middle of the night, and the other day to day stresses; he can be Disney dad when he's got them.

But obviously if their dad was screaming at them it would be a cause for concern.

[Fugghetaboutit]

It must be so stressful having a 2 and 5 year old full time.

I became v shouty at my 2 year old and I have a partner so I can't imagine the stress.

I bought a book called 'Yell less, love more' and reading little snippets really helped me. It gives excellent alternatives to shouting too, like clapping loudly, walking away and breathing, looking at baby pictures of your boys etc.

[Fugghetaboutit]

Here's her website: theorangerhino.com

[Fugghetaboutit]

Oh here are the alternatives to yelling, some are bound to make you look ridiculous but at least you won't feel awful guilt about it:

theorangerhino.com/alternatives-to-yelling/

[KatharineClifton]

Been there got the t-shirt. yy to going to an adult to deal with adult emotion! I did this. It was hard but benefited my relationship with my DC enormously.

Just an aside to a pp - apologising and then adding 'but you did x and it made mummy cross' is really quite horrible. It's victim blaming tbh. You are apologising for losing it, for not coping with normal childhood behaviour because they are being little gits and that's it.

[meglet]

same here. down to tiredness, stress and hormones. I'm ok I have time off work and less stress, sadly it won't pay the bills.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Thanks for the link to alternatives to shouting, I'll bear them in mind.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I'm not sure I totally agree with the comment about victim blaming, surely a child ought to learn that they have to do as they're told? I'm not saying getting angry is right, but what's wrong with saying 'mummy asked you to do X, you didn't and as a consequence Y happened'?

[Bellemere]

I think it's the words "you made me". You can't make anyone feel anything and it implies that the child is responsible for your emotions. It's not up to the child to manage the adults temper, it's up to the adult to diffuse the situation or find a coping strategy before they reach the point of losing their temper.

Otherwise, you're teaching the child to blame others for losing their temper.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Fugg, that's a great link, thank you.

KC, I sometimes use that kind of phrasing if I've been unfair; Belle, thanks for explaining it.

[YonicScrewdriver]

I do think your earlier parallel isn't exact though, Belle - if a dad came on saying he was stressed and concerned about how much he was shouting at his kids, he'd get similar advice about mindfulness etc.

[Bellemere]

No, I agree, I wasn't trying to draw an exact parallel, I was just wondering about the scenario I described