He laughs at her hair...

[MissMuesli]

I know this seems really immature and silly but bear with...

My ex and I have a 4 year old together and we have been split up for 18 months.

She has lovely curly hair, she wears it down mostly, but at preschool shshe has it put up usually. I give her the choice but all her friends have it up so that's what she chooses. Nothing crazy: ballet bun, bunches, plaits etc.

Every single fecking week he laughs at her hair and takes the Mick out of her in a way that is definitely unkind. She started saying "daddy doesn't like my hair, he took it put because it's not nice" "daddy took out my plait and I liked it, I cried my tears out" etc.

I have started saying "today is a daddy day, how would you like your hair" but she still chooses it up.

I don't know how to handle it, I've told him it upsets her. This seems to loose pattern of being low level unkind to DD.

We've also had nasty laughing at outfits, and snotty comments on "Mummys smelly street" "Mummys horrible red front door" etc

They are just little things but I hate seeing hersad and it seems to 've denying her confidence, she often looks worried at handover (althouh comes back happy), and often she will go from very happy and confident to nervous and unsure.

Not sure how to tackle it! Advice would be appreciate!

[MissMuesli]

Blah, excuse typos, I'm tired and didn't proof read!

[AnyoneForTennis]

You've spoken to him? And no change

He sounds nasty. Is contact court ordered?

[MissMuesli]

It isn't court ordered, we go to mediation about a few other issues including the comments on our house which have mostly stopped. But he seems to have moved on DD as a way of getting at me. :-(

[MissMuesli]

*went to mediation, sessions have finished now!

[Lweji]

It's tricky, because if you try to address it, he may well continue, but ask for secrecy.

Was he emotionally abusive with you?
How often does she stay with him?

[AnyoneForTennis]

Well I'd be stopping the contact or insisting on supervised, let him take it to court

[MissMuesli]

Every other weekend. There was emotional abuse in our relationship yes.

I can't work it out because despite these issues DD does seem to come home really happy. She talks about his house with enthusiasm and sometimes gets upset she misses him. So I'm not sure about stopping contact?

I did think about naming Friday "hair down Friday" and getting some nice clips before it becomes an even bigger issue. But I don't want DD thinking its me who has a problem. I have taught her the phrase "it's my hair so it's my choice" but that's only good Monday- Friday when he is with me!

[Lweji]

Letting her hair down is just avoidance, as he is likely to pick on something else.
If he is trying to get a reaction out of you, then maybe ignore it, just teach her coping tactics.

I would try and discuss it with a professional, and try to evaluate how she is coping and if and how his behaviour may affect her.

Ff you suspect it's affecting her more than a normal parent-child interaction, at any point, then get it on record and go only for supervised contact.
I would try and make sure that other people know about this, in case you need evidence for court at any point, or at least keep it in a diary so you can support your case.

[Mustard969]

Supervised contact only or organise one more mediation session to thrash it out

[Mustard969]

Forget hair down Friday, he needs to stop the comments and you need to deal with it

[popalot]

Not acceptable - you need to challenge this in mediation. Don't adapt her hair to suit him as it's not about her hair, it's about putting her down to make you feel like a shit mum. She's happy because she's spent time with her daddy, and she wants to be loved. But I think he is being abusive with this behaviour and like mustard said it should be stopped or supervised.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Me and my sister were discussing our childhood experiences the other day, and how we find it very hard to get our heads around why our mum continued weekend contact with our dad. Her response was "well you looked forward to seeing him". Well yes, he was our dad, we loved him and knew no different! To us his behaviour was normal when it was definitely not. I find it just as hard as an adult to reconcile my mum's passiveness with the situation as I do with my dad's abusive behaviour.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad as I can see you have asked for advice and are trying your best to do what's best for your DD.

I'd get some advice from a professional such as someone at your DD's school/preschool, or even from the health visitor or a children's centre family worker. Get it on record and make the focus of your conversation on your DD's well being.