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Fed up of him verbally lashing out each time he doesn't get his way.

(9 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Sun 17-May-15 13:39:25

ExH ( the one who doesn't to book ferries etc.) why every time he doesn't get what he wants feels need to lash out by firing off a series of bullying emails.
He wouldn't have a relationship with DD if it wasn't for me. Long back story of verbal abuse of her and me stopping contact then building program to supervised through to every other weekend and half holidays he has now.
He lives 2.5 hours including a ferry ride away currently, DD is heavily involved in theatre and dancing and is working towards several shows. I have altered contact weekends so that the majority of rehearsals including full day ones are on my weekends.
He had her last bank holiday weekend ( the ferry debacle) and for 11 days of Easter holidays, over half Christmas holidays and half of last half term.
This half term he has her first weekend and delivering her back on Sunday. He asked about keeping her for bank holiday Monday I said no, he kicks off dragging all kinds of stuff up and then when I refuse to talk on the phone any more fires off a series of abusive emails in short period of time, including berating me for how little time he saw DD last year.
Guess what nothing is his fault, I am an evil bitter woman using her child as a weapon.

Cherryapple1 Sun 17-May-15 13:41:41

I would tell him to stop - and if he doesn't report him to police for harassment. Have a separate email and SIM which he uses, and check only once a day or less. And if he continues I would consider supervised contact only. It seems the only person using your DD as a weapon is him, not you.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 17-May-15 14:57:36

Do you know Cherry I have been weighing up asking him to stop, but struggle to know where to start.
DD is never privy to any of these exchanges so really currently there is no reason to go to supervised contact.
With the power of hindsight and the help of MN I have come realise he has always been emotional abusive sulking, turning every situation into being my fault etc. I know I need to stop this pattern.
My thoughts are writing him an email stating that as parents we have no rights, only responsibilities to ensure our DD is safe and happy and has a relationship with both parents. In future I would prefer that all contact is by email and that it only discuss matters directly relating to current contact and the welfare of DD.

Cherryapple1 Sun 17-May-15 15:29:05

good for you - and I would say anything above and beyond that is unwanted and will be considered harassment and will be dealt with as you see fit. You do not deserve this treatment, and even if he doesn't do it in front of DD it is just not on. A good father does not abuse a mother, even if you are no longer together.

HeadDoctor Sun 17-May-15 15:43:43

I would definitely say that LoneCat, that's more than reasonable. I perhaps wouldn't say about harassment at this stage but if he carries on after you set an initial boundary then I would. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

Cherryapple1 Sun 17-May-15 15:55:56

yep fair point - I am prob a bit trigger happy mentioning harassment. He sounds hell - thank goodness you got away from him!

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 17-May-15 16:40:50

Sorry to drip, but I have previously tried to limit contact to email only about DD. So maybe now is the time to mention harassment.
There is a really big part of me that wants him to take to court as so far he has avoided any situation where he might get told he is wrong (mediation).
He considers the verbal abuse a story I made up despite the fact he has been told DD confided in a member staff and then told the CP officer.
The DD conviction was the dog's fault!!
The fact that 50:50 care broke down because in his care DD stayed in three different places is of course not his fault either.
He really needs a judge to spell it out to him. Hmmm that's never going to happen because it would cost him money.

Cherryapple1 Sun 17-May-15 17:00:07

so stop contact then. Sounds like you have much evidence to protect yourself and your DD from him.

Lonecat - I have a very similar issues with my Ex. He requests changes for contact/ decides changes should happen at the last minute all the time. When I'm unable to do it, don't respond quickly enough, or offer an alternative as it doesn't fit/ can't make it work the diatribes begin!

I get all sorts of follow up contact from him - claiming I am using my son as a weapon, I am damaging their relationship, I am a jealous spiteful witch, I am a terrible mother (along with a long list of things I do that are apparently damaging our son). It's exhausting.

We had an incident at the end of last year during handover and I decided enough was enough. I told him his time with our son was to no longer involve contact between us and set up arrangements for my parents to act as intermediaries for handovers.

The nasty texts continued so I had a solicitor writing a letter, setting out the no contact at handovers and telling him contact between us was to be limited to email outside of emergencies. But of course now I end up with rafts of emails full of accusations.

He continued ot mess around with times and arrangements to the point my parents refuse to act as intermediaries so I asked ex what he wanted to do about it going forward, even provided alternative options, but he tells me I am putting barriers in the way stopping him seeing my son, and that we should return to direct handovers.

So now I have applied to court and am waiting for the first date. He is currently not seeing his son - his choice as I have offered up plenty of opportunity for him to do so.

I am hoping that having regular, routine times set out by a court, hopefully with handover arrnagements also set out, will stop all of the nonesense. There should be nothing he can argue with then, as it's all set out in black and white.

Who knows, but the situation wasn't working for me or my son with all the constant changing and aggressive spite involved.

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