Ex partners family not interested in baby

(14 Posts)
abreakwouldbenice Wed 13-May-15 10:57:03

Does this ever get any easier? They act like they are theis really close family but my child isn't even acknowledged? I know theres 2 sides to every story but please believe me I have done noting wrong to deserve total ignorance. My ex has substance abuse issues which he keeps hidden from his family and waged this hate campaign against me when I left. Not one of them has asked about the baby or expressed an interest in getting to know her. i can't understand it but that is based on the lies he's probably told. Should I contact them? What do you do in this circumstance? I feel so sad that he is kept like a dirty secret even though they know about him. What would you do?

gillybean2 Wed 13-May-15 12:56:21

I would assume he's told them you're not interested and to keep away. He's no doubt told them a load of lies, maybe even cast doubt on it being his baby. Or they may be giving him gifts that aren't ever reaching your dc

Personally I would write to them directly and give them a chance. They may not respond but you won't know unless you try.

My ds's dad has no involvement and refuses to communicate or have anything to do with him (he does pay maintenance though). His mother knows this but chooses to keep in touch and has been a wonderful grandparent to her grandchild.

He told me to stop being in touch with his mother. I said that I would continue to keep her in the loop with regard to ds for as long as she wanted to be. That was the last I heard from him!

smoothchocolate Wed 13-May-15 18:30:50

My DD has no contact with ex or his family and I don't think she misses out really, but then we have a huge family on my side with aunts, uncles and cousins. DD has never had contact with her dad even since she was born and I didn't find it too difficult to deal with myself (I think it would have been more hassle to have contact as they live miles away anyway).

It will get easier with time, and if you find a new partner you'll probably end up relieved no ex on the scene to complicate things. I have not made any effort to contact ex's family but they know how to find us if they really wanted to know. I don't think it should be the RP's duty to beg for contact tbh, you have enough on your plate to deal with.

Pipsqueak23 Wed 13-May-15 22:44:14

My DS is 19 month old and has no contact with his father (his choice). 7months into my pregnancy (already split at this point as he wasn't ready for kids and I wouldn't get an abortion) and he remembers to tell me that he has a wife and child. Turns out from a bit of googling, that he also has an ex wife and another child that he also forgot to mention when he was making out to me that it was just because he wasn't ready to be a father.

As with my child, Your child won't be missing out on anything. She has the love and support from you and your family/friends and as long as your honest (not spiteful) with your DD when she is old enough to ask questions, this can't be turned against you.

It is their loss and when they finally catch onto his substance abuse issue ( which they will) they will realize the mistake they have made and what they have lost out on because of it.

Don't shut the door on them entirely but don't go chasing them either.

Hope this helps. Had a similar talk with my friend yesterday as I was a bit like how do I explain this to my DS without sounding spiteful smile

abreakwouldbenice Thu 14-May-15 08:24:57

I hope this makes sense but I am at the stage of total disbelief as to why they wouldn't even approach me but I suppose you're right in saying that he has probably lied. He under cuts child maintenance every month by either a few pounds or a few pence! One month it was 10p! Why do that if he's happy?? I don't think I have the mental energy to go through with what might or might not occur if I contact them. If they ignore me that will make it worse I think. The whole thing is disgusting. I am so upset about all this just need a chat sorry

Pipsqueak23 Thu 14-May-15 10:25:51

It is awful and it will often go through your head whether your daughter is missing out by them not being in her life but she won't be. As long as she knows she is loved, she'll be fine.

Is the maintenance court ordered? .

abreakwouldbenice Thu 14-May-15 15:04:12

It was arranged by the cms. He said he wasn't his but did not go for DNA test so he obviously accepts he's his. I could ring them but it seems so petty for a couple of pounds. Should I?

Pipsqueak23 Thu 14-May-15 20:57:25

Hard one to say really, as its not much but should he get away with not paying it? Also because he isn't being pulled up on it, is it going to get gradually more and more that he is missing from the payments?

abreakwouldbenice Thu 14-May-15 22:05:36

Yeah that's a good point. It's so childish I mean someone who does that isn't happy in my opinion. His main priority should be getting to know his. child not playing games to get at me. Bet he doesn't tell his family that.

Pipsqueak23 Fri 15-May-15 12:14:47

It is but that's for him to deal with and not your concern anymore. His priority should be his child but from his actions this isn't the case. Does he have access?

abreakwouldbenice Fri 15-May-15 13:15:23

No he doesn't want it. He contacted me after cms got involved but made excuses then for further contact. I know he doesn't care but it bugs me why his family would stand by that

Pipsqueak23 Fri 15-May-15 15:19:09

Probably due to something he has said but it is sad that they haven't bothered to clarify with you whether it is true, or even to try and change your mind (if he has said you have band them all)

abreakwouldbenice Fri 15-May-15 16:21:48

That's why I'm so tempted to set the record straight with them. But on the other hand I could be inviting trouble. It's a toughy

Starlightbright1 Fri 15-May-15 23:26:02

My DS 's ex has no contact..His family chose to follow his lead..No idea why , Ex is a nob , DS is fantastic.

I know they will always chose their DS over mine so I leave them to it.

Do you know his family?

The be careful what you wish for is one I would put on this post.. You may open up a hornets nest.

I can also say I don't trust his family not to blame my Ex's inability to be a grown up and support his DS on me or make excuses for him ..I find Ex harder to understand

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