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Exp changing contact without discussing.

(10 Posts)
SurlyCue Wed 29-Apr-15 14:43:18

Background: DCs are 5 and 9. I am PWC, he has them 2 nights EOW. This was at his request two years ago. the initial request was EOW and one midweek night every week however after it happening 3/4 times (each time the pick up time was changed and he was still late) he just didnt turn up one evening and never came again. Ive had no explanation. Tbh i let it go as the DCs were being let to stay up gone 11pm and were shattered for school the next day (he had his partner drop them to me for school). He is still being late (by hours) with his EOW pick ups and drop offs, regularly texts at very short notice to say he cant have them. I have addressed these issues several times with him and he sas all the right things but within a few weeks is back to his normal habits. This is all just to give an idea of how reliable he has been.

So he is due to have the DCs this weekend but texted yesterday to say he had to work and so he would collect them thursday and leave them off on friday morning for school. He then went on to say he wouldnt be able to have them for weekends anymore as his shifts have changed at work and that he will have to have them on weekdays.

Im really not happy about agreeing to this. Firstly i work, including weekends and have work arranged so that i can do EOW. The DCs go to a Childminder 3 days a week after school. I dont think it is fair that i should have to lose income and all my weekend evenings. Also i dont trust him to do their homeworks/reading etc with them, they are not taught in english an EXp doesnt speak the language they are taught in. DS2 also has a SALT and has activities to do each evening which i really cant see EXp sitting down and having the patience to do with him. I also have concerns about bedtimes on school nights, it isnt fair to them to be allowed up so late when school is the next day. I also suspect he will be true to form and cancel contact at the last minute, change days etc which will leave me up shit creek with childcare. He definitely wont pay the childminder for his days (i have to chase him every month for child support) and i cant change her days each week to suit him. I know he wont have them during the holidays for the full day of his contact, he will just expect to collect them in the evening meaning i will be paying the CMer for his childcare.

I am thinking of asking him to have them one night of each weekend rather than weekdays as i can forsee massive problems and disruption to us all. I know he'll probably just not turn up for the weekends but what options do i have?

SurlyCue Wed 29-Apr-15 18:27:24

Bumping for suggestions please.

Starlightbright1 Wed 29-Apr-15 18:34:06

I really don't know the solution..

Do you believe his shifts have changed?

I would be saying no to the Thursday as he has already said he will keep them off school.

I would be tempted to insist on mediation for any change.

SurlyCue Wed 29-Apr-15 18:44:05

He wont be keeping them of school on friday (my fault for phrasing that wrong) he will be dropping them off with me on friday morning for me to get them to school. I actually cant even be here on friday morning unless he gets them here by 8 (he is always late) as i have my car in for MOT then have to leave for work straight away.

I do think his shifts have changed, probably at his request as he is getting married later this year so possibly needing extra money. Im not sure i believe he is working this weekend though. I have a sneaking suspicion he has a weekend away planned for the bank holiday. He has done that before-told me he cant have Dcs due to having to work and then been seen out in bars by mutual friends.

I cant see him going for mediation at all. Nor could i afford to pay for it and he certainly wouldnt. Even if he did go he would just say all the right things whilst there but i have no faith he would stick to any agreement that didnt suit him.

NewTwenty Wed 29-Apr-15 18:58:49

Sounds like one night each weekend might work best?

It is lousy that he is so unreliable though.

SurlyCue Wed 29-Apr-15 19:07:08

Yes that is what im thinking. What should i say? Just that weekdays isnt workable and one night each weekend is the only alternative. Ive a feeling hes going to get really horrible about this and i'll have no choice in it.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 30-Apr-15 00:05:17

tell him that you will let the cms know that he is having them less nights and they will put his payments up...

SurlyCue Thu 30-Apr-15 11:53:34

I texted him saying that weekdays does not work for the DCs and that he will have to have them either EOW as usual or one night of each weekend. I also told him i have plans for this weekend and he left it far too short notice to change the contact so he will have to have them. Im not expecting a response tbh. He just wont turn up.

We arent going through CMS. We were until last year but they contacted us both saying they were going to start charging him 20% and me 4% of the amount so he refused to go through them any more. We are just doing it as a private arrangement now. I asked CMS at the time what my options were if he started messing me around again with maintenance as he did before and they told me that their "minimum" guideline was just that, a guideline and that there was no legally enforceable minimum so really it was just between the two of us hmm

HeadDoctor Thu 30-Apr-15 14:30:26

Eh? That's nonsense. Call Child Maintenance Options and ask them to assess it. He can't refuse to pay. It's either Direct Pay which is essentially the same as you do now, no charges, or if he refuses to pay then he will have to pay the amount plus 20%.

Starlightbright1 Thu 30-Apr-15 18:53:11

Did you close your claim with CMS...I would call them up again.

Also you do sound beaten down..He seems to be holding the cards...The CMS can make him pay as that is what they are there for parents who don't pay. There would be no need for an agency for NRP who pay a reasonable amount regularly.

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