Really struggling right now

[Needadvice2]

Good Morning

I am here seeking any advice/help etc, as the title suggests, I am really struggling right now.

I am a lone parent of 5 children, my oldest is 19 years', and my youngest is 5 years. I was in a very abusive relationship for 20 years', and I am divorced after being on own for 2 years' now. It was a horrendous marriage, and I was far too scared to leave, but in the end I did it, and its been one of the best things that I have did so far. After their dad left, I regained my confidence,left my job, went to college, then gained a placed at university to study a course that I wanted to do for over 20 years'.

The issue that I have right now, is that I have met a wonderful guy(never thought I would,), I never sought it, initially we were friends, then we found that we had so much in common etc, and as the cliche goes, we fell in love, and its been wonderful. He is everything in a man that I have always wanted he is kind, gentle, patient, understanding, calm, great with money, has a good job, and is a wonderful father to his children etc etc. (he is divorced as well). We are taking is very very slowly as he is aware that both of us are not rushing anything.

My children have been aware off him from the beginning, they were okay with that. I am always respectful of my chlidrens feelings, they always come first etc, and I have repeatedly told them that. I love them very very much, and my children are my life. A few days' ago, I told them that I was beginning to fall in love with him, and it was wonderful. They took it really bad, my 12 year old (who already has issues with anger etc, and I am awaiting an referral to CAMHS team about possible diagnosis for Aspergers etc), took it very badly, she was physically and verbally abusive towards me, and I tried talking to her etc, that they all come first, but she is not having it. She is now refusing to go to school unless she said I stop speaking to him etc., I have told her repeatedly that I love them all very much, and she is my child and they always come first. Its been an awful few days' for me, I am so stressed out and I have been in tears all day yesterday and today.

Their dad knows about this new guy(the children told him), and he was always manipulative anyway, and he's made things a lot worse, saying horrendous things about me etc., to my children. He is an awful man and a rubbish father, etc etc. etc.

I am struggling all the time, any advice would be gratefully appreciated. I just do not know what to do, do I give up my new relationship as my children are not happy.

Thank you for reading this, it was rather long.

[Flowerpower41]

Perhaps they still need a little longer to get used to just having you as the main parent - I know you say you have had 2 years on your own - but possibly in their eyes it is too soon for them.

Could you just take it more slowly with your man rather than totally dump him? Surely he will be patient if he knows how they are reacting.

I do wish you all the best with it - and well done for finding such a lovely man they are like gold dust!

[whattodoforthebest2]

I agree with Flower, you've said you're taking it very slowly, but I'd still be leaving it a long time before getting your DC used to him being around. 2 years is still a short period of time for them and the upheaval of going through the divorce, particularly with a manipulative father, is going to make things difficult.

I don't think you need to abandon the relationship, just keep things very low key for another year or so. They need to know you're there for them and not about to leap into another relationship which, in their limited experience, could be turbulent.

[Needadvice2]

Thank you so much for your responses.

The new man is so wonderful and understanding, its not a problem for him, he said he would 5, 10 years for me, so in that respect its fine. We do not live together, he lives and works about 400 miles away from me, he has sold his house, and is looking to rent near where i stay. So in that respect, my children have me to myself virtually all time. He works away 2 weeks out of every 4, so i only see him every 2 weeks.

I do agree, it will take time, and I really hope in time that they will get used to the idea, its very difficult i do agree for all concerned.

I met him initially as friends, the last thing in the world I was looking for was a relationship, it just naturally happened. Its so wonderful, that I keep thinking I am so fortunate, we both are.

I find the physical violence from my daughter to me very difficult to handle though, i am not sure what to do in that respect.

I really appreciate all the replies so far.

[Flowerpower41]

Did you consider calling Family Lives the helpline about your daughter's violence they might know what to suggest.

I am afraid that I don't have the phone number to hand but I am sure you could find it on google search.

It can be hard to get through to them though as they get inundated.

[whattodoforthebest2]

I can imagine it must be very tough being on the receiving end of your daughter's behaviour. I don't really know what to suggest other than loving her through the good and the bad, letting her know you're always there, you're not going anywhere and she will always be able to rely on you.

Sometimes I think children must look at their parents separating and think 'well, one of them's left, what happens if the other one leaves too, what'll happen to me?' So you have to be the strong one, being there when she gets up in the morning and when she goes to bed at night - you're the constant factor in her life from now on.