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Going for supervised access, but worried it will look like retaliation

(8 Posts)
onanotherday Tue 28-Apr-15 13:36:35

Too much to say, don't want to drip feed, but sbxh, left after a break down, mental health issues and alcohol misuse. In the last 3 years has come and gone. Finally been diagnosed as BPD. He rally wanted to be back in family and we loved him and tried many times but now totally broken down. On the last to occasions he had the dcs I had to collect early as he phoned saying he had been drinking. I then stopped dcs going to his. Months later tried again and although not out of control had been out to friends and drank a lot resulting in a lot of self loathing behaviour whilst children with him. He has now moved back to his home town in the Midlands which is a 4 hour drive away and is hoping to have dcs to stay. I'm nervous to allow access in the circumstances, although kids love him and want to see him, but no longer on the doorstep, not sure what to do. Any advice?

hopeforthebestplanfortheworst Tue 28-Apr-15 14:08:50

No experience of your situation (am a LP but the father has no contact).

But... I'd say follow your instinct. My primary goal is to keep my children safe. If you are concerned they would be at risk with him, how would you feel if something happened while you're in their care? Are they old enough to take a mobile and contact you independently? Does he have any other family who would be around to supervise or keep him on track?

Alternatively, can he come and visit them where you are? Either staying at yours if you are on good enough terms or a local hotel. That's what my ex did when he lived 200 odd miles away from his older children. He'd either travel for the day to see them or if stopping o/night stay at a hotel or once in the many years was he allowed to bring them to where we lived they stayed with us but only after he'd had a prolonged period of consistency in the older children's lives where the mother felt they would be / feel secure and safe. I never saw this this as her being difficult. She had the concern for her children and my ex had been patchy in the past with his contact so I understood her caution.

How do your children feel, are they old enough to understand the situation?

Starlightbright1 Tue 28-Apr-15 19:47:27

My ex had a dx of BPD... I would say from experience without significant treatment nothing has changed it is a circular thing . gets better for a while then back in exactly the same place..

That is not to say Change can't happen but I would want sustained consistent contact before taking them 4 hours away. how will you get them back if he has been drinking? Does he drive?

How old are you children. I did contact in a soft play for a while? is that an option?

onanotherday Tue 28-Apr-15 21:02:10

No they are 11 and 14, and its the not being able to get to them that bothers me. His family are near him, but loads of denial about how he can be.

Starlightbright1 Tue 28-Apr-15 21:30:53

no at 11 and 14 I can see soft play been completely a none

who is in denial?

How do the children feel about contact..Do they know about the diagnosis.

I would at their age look at how they would manage him not been well, and how the changing moods are other traits he shows affect your children and what is going to be the best to have a relationship. If overnights are likely to send him over the edge he may be better with no overnight access...My Ex was not allowed my DS unsupervised after he was only a few weeks old due to risks...I think you have to assess what the risks are for your children.

krustylooeasy Sun 31-May-15 21:20:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Sun 31-May-15 21:22:51

On the drinking alone, not a chance. Could he come and stay near you and take them out for the day?

RandomMess Sun 31-May-15 21:29:22

Blimey I think you need to suggest that he comes down and stays in the hotel for the weekend and sees them there. You could offer to help pay if you can afford it.

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