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anyone ever moved 200 miles away from ex/father of kids?

(12 Posts)
LegoStuckInMyHoover Sun 19-Apr-15 16:56:45

Just looking for advice on if anyone has moved so far from their childrens dad? im thinking about moving from london to devon and have a job interview coming up. there are so many things to factor-i cant work it out!

the situation in london is that the children see their dad every other weekend and are 9 and 14. my 14 year old is about to start his gcse years [year 10]. we dont like where we live but cant afford anything else at the moment. i love my job here but dont have many friends outside work. in devon the area we move to will be nicer than where we are in london. i have friends and family who live there. the children want to move to devon. obviously their dad will not be happy if we went. i dont know what to do for the best. has anyone moved this far? has anyone changed their childrens school at the start of year 10? how did it work out? thanks

sauvignonismydrug Sun 19-Apr-15 17:51:18

My daughter's dad moved a fair distance away as she moved to a (new) junior school. Our daughter took it really badly and the combination of her dad moving away and starting a new school meant that eventually I had to arrange for her to see a counsellor. However, your 2 are older (my daughter was 7 at the time) and might be able to see things more clearly. Starting a new school can be tough though, especially at the age of 14 when they will have spent many years with the same groups of friends.
Things to consider would be - how often would they see their dad?, how would transport be divided?, is dad supportive of the move? All of these can make a huge difference to your decision.

LegoStuckInMyHoover Sun 19-Apr-15 17:57:46

thanks, thats useful to know. i know these are things i wonder about. their dad is not supportive of the move, in fact he isnt supportive at all about anything. we can barely speak to eachother. he gets very angry and shouts etc about anything i ask him. hes unemployed and has been for years and years, so im guessing they'd see him in the holidays and maybe once or twice in between? i dont know, what normally happens?!

lunar1 Sun 19-Apr-15 18:05:17

I think if you moved so far away you would have to fund and facilitate their contact every other week. I don't think it's fair to move all that way effectively drastically reducing contact or costing the other parent a fortune.

balia Sun 19-Apr-15 19:48:17

I see a lot of students who move schools and it is very difficult for them - I'm pretty sure that the research shows that students who move are over 20% less likely to get 5 A*-C. So that would be a big concern for me. I think I'd be tempted to delay simply on that score, and go in 2 years time, when they would both be moving schools anyway (if I've read the ages right).

In some ways, though, that's the easy bit. 200 miles makes for quite a commute, and certainly rules out the level of contact they have now. I moved with my DD, but only 20-odd miles away. It is very hard for DC's to feel they can say how they feel in this sort of situation which divides their loyalty. And I would certainly say at 9, a child doesn't have a real grasp of the implications of moving. If contact was haphazard, they were being let down etc, I think it would be different. Is the current contact court-ordered or agreed between you?

LegoStuckInMyHoover Sun 19-Apr-15 20:31:09

thanks baila. the contact is between us, drawn up from mediation 9 years ago. its mostly regular now, but hasnt always been. my ex goes through periods where its been erratic, as he has said hes too depressed to have them, the same reason he gives to not having a job for the last 4 years and not contributing maintenance.

sauvignonismydrug Sun 19-Apr-15 20:52:00

I guess I'm lucky in that me and my ex usually get on.
We went from my daughter seeing him everything other weekend and one night midweek, to once every 3 weeks (roughly) but a lot more holiday time. However, her dad works full time so this is still only around 5 weeks per year of holidays. I'm lucky as a teacher that I get good holidays to spend with her anyway. Things have settled down now but it was tough. It's a long trek back to his every 3 weeks, but they treat it as their special time together, stop off and have a subway, etc.

sauvignonismydrug Sun 19-Apr-15 20:56:18

Re. Picking up- my ex moved away and is now back in his family village. This means he has lots of babysitters on hand for the children he has had since with his wife. Sometimes, his dad or brother helps out. I am still in the town that he moved us to shortly before leaving, with no family. We agreed that during term time he will collect and drop off but in the holidays I will always meet him half way. It works, and flexibility is the key!

kittensinmydinner Sun 19-Apr-15 22:51:29

Just a word of warning. Your ex could go to court to enforce contact and you could easily be court ordered to fund it because you are choosing to move. It will depend how bothered he can be and of course what the children think.

CrushedCan Mon 20-Apr-15 22:52:26

I moved to another country! I did what was best for me and my daughter to be nearer friends and family for support which you NEED. You shouldn't put his feelings first - your children want to move so move! If he wants to see them he will find a way, he's a big boy.

tic73 Sun 19-Jul-15 09:16:37

After reading your message I thought I'd find the answers! In the same boat and in London wanting to move Devon! I kid you not!
I to do not know how this can work. I can't even separate from my husband as he goes into total meltdown let alone say I'm taking the kids away!
I know other feelings need to be considered and like you children come first but don't we have a right to be happy? All I can see now is me miserable for the rest of my life as just don't want to be in my present situation. I'll keep you updated if you do to. X

ProbablyMe Fri 24-Jul-15 08:55:24

My DPs ex moved closer to her family - completely understandable for support reasons - however this means my DP now has a 7 hour drive to see his DDs. The job he does doesn't allow him to do this often (don't imagine anyone would be able to tbh) so he see them much less than he would like which upsets him and them. What makes this even harder is that she won't help with travel at all - she's been asked to travel part the way down and meet up and won't, in fact she won't even take the girls to DPs parents house just 1/2 hour away (she still gets on pretty well with his DM). This weekend we have another 14 hour round trip to pick them up to come and stay with us. It's also annoying as it eats into the time we do get with them a day each end of any stay is spent driving!!

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