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I need to rant and maybe some advice

(11 Posts)
2little2late2change4now Wed 18-Mar-15 06:40:15

So exp left 5 weeks ago now. I'm 12 weeks pregnant and it transpires he was having an emotional affair (so he says) whilst we were trying for a baby, which is now a full blown relationship.
We have dd who is 2 and I've had a diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder which I'm having help for under the mh team and with a private therapist. I can't pretend this would've been easy to live with but he tried for a baby with me, why would he do that if things were so bad? He said he was weak and felt trapped, he's now pushing for me to have a termination. I was bleeding at the weekend and he was hoping for a miscarriage.
I don't know who he is anymore, I still want to be a family because I feel like the real him is inside there somewhere and I see it when he's calm and rational and we talk about going to relate etc.
But mostly he is vile, it's a torrent of verbal abuse and door slamming, shouting and swearing and walking out when he comes for contact with dd. She's terrorised by this. He's now stopped all contact for a week he says but I'm not going to just let him have contact again and keep yoyo ing in and out of her life.
I don't know how much of his anger is guilt or directed at me because of my mental health in the past. Since he's left I have been calm and rational, not shouted or screamed or done anything although I wasn't always like this.
I think I am probably being unreasonable with regards to contact but we always said he wouldn't make me do anything I wasn't comfortable with and I wouldn't stop him seeing her so the arrangement is that he comes here for bath time 2 evenings and every other weekend but doesn't stay. He wants her overnight at his but I'm not prepared for that for the following reasons:
He would have his new gf there when they've only been together 5 weeks (again so he says)
He has such anger at the moment that I fear for her safety
He won't give me the address
He admitted that when he's had her before he didn't care for her properly ie clean her teeth, put her to bed on time etc
When she came back to me she wasn't clean, was very very distressed and had uti
He has form for not returning her
She isn't eating or sleeping properly in her own home at the moment and her behaviour has deteriorated and I feel she needs to feel secure before going anywhere else.

We are also going to be homeless because he has set up home elsewhere and housing benefit won't cover the rent. He won't allow us to stay at his whilst we search for a house or are on the housing register so we will be evicted with court fines (for him too as its joint tenancy) and bailiffs. I don't understand how any human or father for that matter can make their child homeless.

So after his week of no contact, if he makes contact I will be informing him that he needs help for his anger and we need mediation before his contact with dd can resume.

I wake up all through the night and just can't believe this is my life nor understand why he is doing these things

OP’s posts: |
2little2late2change4now Wed 18-Mar-15 07:44:08


OP’s posts: |
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 18-Mar-15 07:46:34

Does he have parental responsibility?

2little2late2change4now Wed 18-Mar-15 07:48:43

Yes he does.

OP’s posts: |
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 18-Mar-15 07:57:59

I think that does make it a bit tricky. Best thing to do regarding contact is to get good legal advice on what you can and can't do.

Here's a number... 0808 8020 008. It's for the Coram Children's Legal Centre. Mon-Fri 8am to 8pm. Free solicitor advice. You'll have to keep ringing to get through, as they don't generally do callbacks, so allow yourself plenty of time. But they've been so helpful for me - spent ages on the phone with them, discussing different aspects of my situation and finding out what's best to do.

2little2late2change4now Wed 18-Mar-15 08:41:02

Does it matter where I live or can I still call? Thank you so much for that x

OP’s posts: |
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 18-Mar-15 09:20:46

Anywhere in the UK, I believe. The initial message gives you a choice to push for england, scotland, and so on.

2little2late2change4now Wed 18-Mar-15 17:02:54

I've been trying all day and can't get through sad

I feel so low today, all the financial and emotional devastation be worth it for this woman? Is he just having a mid life crisis? Will his conscience kick in? Everyone tells me how much he adores dd but if that's true how can this ow come first, how can he see his child homeless? x

OP’s posts: |
base9 Wed 18-Mar-15 17:09:08

I am so sorry this has happened, OP. Sadly I think you need to set aside all thoughts of getting back together with him. You need to.concentrate on your dd, your pregnancy, your health and finding secure housing first.

2little2late2change4now Fri 20-Mar-15 06:27:41

Thank you, I know you're right, I can't ever see him coming back anyway to be honest. I'm trying hard to move forward without him. Him having no contact is helping but then I keep wondering when or if he's going to change his mind and make contact again.

OP’s posts: |
NAR4 Sat 21-Mar-15 14:17:14

Can your local children's centre or health visitor offer any advice or help on the housing situation?

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