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Need a bit of a vent...

(7 Posts)
yanniwoo Sat 14-Mar-15 16:12:04

Ex-P has let down DD yet again. Today was his day to visit, but I recieved an email last night saying he was feeling unwell so wouldn't be coming down today.

Not the first time he's bailed on our DD, to the point that her reaction to Dad not coming down was "oh, ok then, can I have some more toast?"

He never rings, or emails asking after her between visits, and visits themselves are arranged so last minute it's unreal, and now he's also said he can't have her at all during Easter or Summer Holiday as he's already booked his holiday allowance at work for things he wants to do.

Thankfully have some great supportive friends and family so won't be without childcare even though some days will mean a total of 5 hours on buses back and forth.

Keep cycling between being really effed off, and then being tearful. My mother was a NRP and I know how her wishy-washyness as far as her children affected me and it breaks my heart that DD could be feeling the same way.

Any suggestions of how to broach all this with Ex-P without it coming across as an attack? He's very delicate as far as criticism is concerned and am fairly sure he'll view his £10/w maintenance as making him the perfect father.

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BlackeyedSusan Sun 15-Mar-15 00:01:25

right this is the third time I have opened this thread and I am determined not to be interrupted this time....

doubt there is much you can say really that will make him change his ways.

shows how much he thinks of your dd! rather do something else and she is second best, at most. shame you can not drop her round there and let him foot the bill for child care half the holidays while you do something you want to do. give him a taste of his own medicine. twonk.

yanniwoo Sun 15-Mar-15 06:42:14

3rd time lucky - thanks for the commitment to replying.

You're right, I doubt he'll change his ways, just the utter pigheadedness astounds me. When he calls we're meant to drop everything, but heavens forbid it should be at a time to suit either myself or DD.

We're close enough geographically that iv probably could drop DD to him, but would not wish her to feel like a burden (she spent all of yesterday apologizing for the fact I was struggling to get a sitter, which is not her fault at all).

I suppose really i should pity ex-p as he's missing out on a cracking little kid, and before too long I foresee contact grinding to a complete halt.

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Eyre89 Sun 15-Mar-15 07:14:08

Unfortunately I grew up with a dad like this and it does hurt and confuse you I won't lie about that. But the thing I took away from it was how amazing my mum is. I didn't fully appreciate how much she did until I was older but she was 2 parents in one.

You sound like an amazing mum and youre completely right he's the one missing out. Your daughter will realise just how much you do for her and how loved she is by you. And if it ends up like with my mum you'll be very close my mum was my best friend. The fact you don't want to cause a huge argument is exactly what my mum did and she never bad mouthed him just let us make our own judgements and I realise how difficult that must be.

Unfortunately you can't make him change his ways but you can continue to be an amazing mum and support her like you are. And she will always remember how much you did for her and how much you love her. She has you and if he does stop seeing her he's missing out. When my dad stopped it was kind of a relief we would sit and always hope a little that he'd turn up. So when it stopped it was better for us. Obviously you'd always like to think he'd want to be part of his daughters life but you can't force it. And he will be left with all the regrets.

flowers cause I know none f that will make it any easier to see your dd upset. It used to break my heart watching my sisters. But they're all fine because of my mum. And your daughter will be fine with your life and support which she already has xx

BlackeyedSusan Sun 15-Mar-15 09:21:33

Makes me so cross that they can get away with so little support, and dropping the child when it is inconvenient for them to have contact yet a resident parent would be in masses of trouble for not turning up when they are supposed to be looking after them. (though I have read some stories of resident parents farming their kids out to families on a regualar basis just for convenience sake rather than say for work or the occasional break)

It took me a long while to teach ex, when he lived here, that he had to ask whether it was ok to go out and leave me with the children, rather than just arrange stuff and assume I was ok with it.

Ex sees the children regularly. they are now not fazed when he does not turn up until four in the afternoon. at first they used to keep asking for him and getting upset. he does usually turn up eventually though. unlike yours.

yanniwoo Sun 15-Mar-15 13:24:28

Eyre89 I grew up with a mum just the same, and it's bloody rotten. It took me until I was 16/7 to realise quite how much my Dad had done for me. (And how much of a saint he must have been to have not throttled me about 20 times over by that age!)

It is so difficult, when she's crying on my lap asking why he doesn't want to see her I just have to say "I don't know" because "because he's a complete dicksplat" will NOT go down well, however true it may be. But I'll never badmouth him (to her, at least), as it's just not worth it.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. I feel so much better today. DD and I have made bookmarks today (I am now proud owner of a fox one) and she's made me a milkshake and crumpets for lunch. Wouldn't swap this for the world.

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yanniwoo Sun 15-Mar-15 13:41:02

BlackeyedSusan If I was as lackluster in my parenting attitudes as Ex-P I dread to think what would happen. If DD and I spend more than 5 nights apart the whole year I'd be surprised.

DD doesn't seem phased when Ex-P doesn't turn up, (mostly anyway, occasionally there are tears, but they're coming fewer and farther between) and I daresay by the time she's at secondary school she'll not be bothering at all with him.

And I'm sure that will be my fault somehow.

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