abusive ex seeing kids ?? how do i play this ?

[edgarsuit]

dp and i split in oct we have continued living together due to housing / finance issues and i'm due to move out in around 3 weeks with the children.
However ex has over the past 2/3 months become extremely abusive mostly verbally and has never actually harmed me although has always been very aggressive especially when he's been drinking .. he will punch doors , throw stuff, scream and shout, slam even head but door frames (weird i know) only ever at objects never at me. and he has done a lot of anger management and parenting courses genuinely wanting to help himself when we were together and mostly managed to control it. - ish

Over the past few months since being broken up he calls me a cunt no less than 5 times a day , bitch , piece of shit , psycho , demented and will fly off the handle (all in front of the kids ) if i don't so much as laugh hysterically at his jokes i have been grinning and bearing it until the move . but tonight he came home after drinking (i have asked him not to drink if he is coming home as it puts us at risk he says its me ) and i was genuinely really scared . he was vile and then threw his dinner (on the plate ) at me and really launched it directly at me with intent to hit me ... refusing to leave came very close to me as if he was about to beat the crap out of me .. He didn't then left after much begging from me ..

he has showed signs of aggression in the past but nothing like this .

After the past few months i have seen this side to him that has clearly always been in there but he has managed to keep bubbling mostly under the surface .. i'm not worried about me were over and done with and i now i have the issue of him having the children and what scares me is when he meets someone else he will inevitably continue this behaviour in front of them away from me and depending on the new partner could be a lot worse .. stopping him from seeing the children seems very very drastic and i will defiantly end up the bad guy . but obviously i don't trust him to look after them properly on his own and put them 1st


i'm so confused what would you do

[LadySybilLikesSloeGin]

If you're worried about your safety you need to call the Police, then call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Safety first, contact can wait

[edgarsuit]

im not worried about my safety .. not really .

I am just very worried about exdp with the children on a regular basis . in the long run i feel i need a plan in place .i ant my children to see nad know there father but don't think i can trust him to keep them safe and give them the security as he should

[CunningCat]

Contact centre. There is no way I would let him have them unsupervised. He clearly has a drink problem.

[LadySybilLikesSloeGin]

A contact centre is your best bet. He'll be supervised and if he does turn up hungover/drunk they will act. It's probably wise that you see a solicitor to be honest. You can get a consultation for free if you phone around and ask.

My ex is a drunk. He used to see ds supervised. It wasn't planned, his mother was usually with him. He did take ds to the cinema once alone but he fell asleep He hasn't seen ds since ds was 11 (he's almost 16 now) after he ended up shouting and swearing in ds's face. I'm all for absent parents seeing their children, it's the child's right, knowing where to draw the line is tough though. Good luck!

[edgarsuit]

ok thank you i will get in touch tomorrow and find out the best plan .

exdp definalty has some kind of drink problem in term of aggression when he has been drinking however he very rarely does drink , never drinks and drives and has stuck to our agreement of not drinking up until maybe a month ago .. a couple of times in the last month i could tell he had had a drink and i diint say anything i just wnet to bed .

he doesnt come home rollin around drunk pr anything like that so its hard to tell if he has been drinking or not . but like i said he actually very rarely drinks but im worried this will increase when liviing alone ad maybe with children.

[totallyjaded]

He does have a drink problem if he can't control himself when he's had a few. It doesn't have to be an addiction to drink to be a drink problem. I would definitely say a contact centre because if he cant control himself whats to stop him lashing out at the kids. So sorry you are going through this

[edgarsuit]

yes thats what i told him.... he argued it was my fault as i am a horrible psycho.. lol

it seems very drastic to be considering this .. my son adores him and exdp really does adore the kids he is a wonderful dad in terms of love , showing his love for them and genuinly wanting and enjoying spending time with them ... although he acts like there mate/cousin/uncle rather than dad ... inconsistant with rules , always junk food for dinner amd sweets for breaky as i f its a special ocassion when he is home ...

[edgarsuit]

how do i find out about local contact centres i have never heard of them before ... when i google it comes up with call centres and nurseries

[BlackeyedSusan]

call the police to report so that you have the evidence. you are minimising it. throwing a plate at you is serious. fucking serious. get it on record. you probably don';t think it is that bad as you are used to it and you have not been beaten to a pulp. ex got a caution for actual bodily harm and I still did not think it was that bad. only several people later telling me it was bad do you come to start to work it out for yourself.

tell the police about any damage to doors etc as well.

next time he is aggressive and threatening, call the police.

[CunningCat]

I'm with Blackeyed, next time he displays aggression towards you phone police, whatever you may think he is abusing you. Use your phone to record what he says as evidence for police. Phone children's services for contact centres.

[totallyjaded]

Yep defo phone the police. Its abuse whether its name calling or something sinister. Can probably make a guess where this will go. He will just get more abusive. This is a link for contact centres. Not used them myself but hope it helps hun

www.naccc.org.uk/what-we-do

[cestlavielife]

you need to call police and report each and every time. otherwise there is no evidence.
police need to see him drunk and disorderly.
you need to make that call whenever he scares you and threatens.
mobile fully charged at all times and in your pocket.

and the fact you actually moving out in 3 weeks is likely to up the ante and makes him more volatile.

you cant argue for a contact centre without evidence of why.
if he says he doesnt need supervision, you have nothing to go on. also contact centres cost money - some more than others - so there is a question of who pays.

the fact he apparently controls himself around kids is evidence he knows what he is doing, however, as kids grow and answer back he may become abusive to them too.

[edgarsuit]

thats exactly what i'm worried about ... when he has to deal with cocky teenagers how will he react to that also if he is in another relationship will he be the same or wore in front of the children ..

the problem with the police is that he doesn't do it often enough for me to have any record and he has only been behaving this badly for a couple of months i tried to just bare it as we are already broken up
Also i don't plan on living with him any longer its not safe for me any more .I tried to record it over the past few days but you cant really hear what he's saying on the video as he isn't close enough to me . i also called his mum for help last night (she was usueless as ever) and left the phone on while he was swearing and threatening me but she said she couldn't hear him

He is relatively calm with the children and has never showed this in the direction of them but has used verbal abuse towards me in front of them but only in the past 3 months or so ...

i don't have money to pay a contact centre and if i went down that road i don't think anyone would agree with what i'm doing . therefore i couldn't get help with funding it .i will call now for some advise tho

[cestlavielife]

call 999 and leave on speaker phone (call police, not his mum! what do you think his mum can do? she will only side with him... )

it is not your responsibility to worry about his next relationship - your only responsibility is to yourself and your DC.

is he safe around Dc now?
does the contact need to be supervised now?
how old are DC?

[totallyjaded]

Trust me when I say things will change once its totally over....it always does. My guess is he will get worse and you will find yourself in the middle of an all out war in which the kids will be in the middle of. If you don't get evidence now you never will. People will take sides and you can bet his family will stand by him because if he hasn't already he will be trashing you to friends and family already. he will do this to justify his behaviour in advance of the truth coming out. Sounds to me he can't face what he is so therefore will look to pin the blame on you.

[edgarsuit]

i called the contact centre and they didn't seem to think that's what i needed .. they gave me information for family mediation and i sent a referral to them ..

i text exdp today to inform him i had dropped his stuff off and that he needed help and i wanted to see proof . I thought after last night he really would wave a white flag but instead he replied ... "you are the one that needs help " he later sent me another message saying the same thing ..

I really don't know what i'm supposed to do .. i have no other help with the children and if he cant have them while i go to work then im going to have to quit my job as its only 9hrs a week in the evening so wouldn't be able to get childcare

[cestlavielife]

ask local council for list of childminders who do evening care.
you can rely on him for childcare.

see if you can change your hours to day time if there are not childnminders.
consdier other childcare eg someone coming to you student nanny etc.

stop engaging with your ex telling him what to do or not do. it is up to him if he wants help or not. its none of your business really.