This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Dd comes back from contact with burnt coat wwyd?(27 Posts)
My ds 6 and dd 3 go to weekend contact once a fortnight to there fathers. This contact was arranged through court due to safeguarding issues involving childrens father (he has a long history of cannibas abuse and police record for cultivating ect)
Contact has been going on for 12 months now with a few issues. Eg. My ds came home with burnt finger from a car cigarette lighter. This was sorted out and I was assured by him he would more careful. Anyway my children came home after weekend contact and 5 minutes after my daughter arrived home I noticed her coat was damaged. On closer inspection I discovered it was burnt. The burn marks where about 1 inch long. I have asked there dad how it happened and he simply says "I don't know".
He has a midweek contact order which should of took place today but I have refused to cooperate until I get answers. He is refusing to give answers. Any idea where I go from here? When my kids don't go to weekend contact next week he will probably enforce his order through the court which terrifies me. 3 years going through the court process put a big strain on my health.
Not sure who to turn to. I can't afford solicitors :-(
He's given his answer.... He doesn't know
You stopped your kids contact over this? Ridiculous
We don't know the ins and outs but kids do have accidents and sometimes the parents just don't see everything. My DD has a mark on her back and I have absolutely no idea why even though I am her sole carer. Withdrawing contact, especially when court ordered is a dangerous game, even more so if you can't afford a solicitor. I would be negotiating not putting your foot down sweetie.
Have you asked your DC what happened?
Queenofthepirates I am trying to negotiate but he refuses to discuss it.
Cliffdiver I have asked ds and he says the washing machine his dad was trying to fix went up in smoke and dd was standing with him when it happened. Again I have asked my ex could this be what happened and he just refuses to discuss it.
Your DS's explanation sounds a little odd, if this was the case why didn't XH tell you, also why would she be wearing her coat in the house?
From what you've said about his drug abuse, do you think he was smoking around DC?
I don't think it is a good idea to be stopping contact. A small burn mark on a coat does not equal neglect. Your DS gave you an explanation. Stopping court-ordered contact is a very bad idea.
I guess it depends whether you think there was a risk of the coat being set on fire while the child was wearing it. That could potentially end very badly.
For that reason alone I would want to know what happened.
I was shopping in my local high street many years ago - when it was legal for everyone to smoke anywhere and everywhere. Someone accidentally (I hope) set my coat alight with their cigarette. Luckily other people noticed and helped me pull the coat off and put the fire out. Because it was at the back of the coat, I didn't notice for a few minutes.
Cliffdiver I do agree ds explanation was odd. Exp did tell me earlier on he was doing a job regarding a washing machine. Her coat had to have been on her as the burn marks where on both sides of the zip and on the zip pulley. So it would be unlikely someone would take a coat off and zip it up iykwim.
Yes i know he smokes around my dcs as I can smell it on them on there return again he denies it :-(
I don't want to stop contact but I am genuinely concerned about my childrens safety.
OP - I agree with you.
I would be very concerned that he was repairing a washing machine that "went up in smoke" - that implies that it was plugged in at the time and therefore presented a risk of electrocution/fire.
The child was near enough to have been burned - very worrying.
The parent cannot explain/refuses to explain how his child's coat was burned.
I don't agree with the people who are minimising this.
I used to be a health visitor - albeit a long time ago - and these would be red flags to me.
I would be raising this with your HV TBH and asking their advice.
3littlfrogs thank you so much for your compassion. I am quite shocked at the responses I have had on here. All I am trying to do is protect my children. I haven't seen my hv for a while but I will get in touch with her tomorrow and see if she could advise.
I'm a GP and totally agree with 3little frogs- HV or if there have been safeguarding issues before do you have a helpful social worker? Even if it was a simple accident he doesn't seem to be taking it seriously enough, and if nothing else the fact that you are worried needs to be documented somewhere. Good luck
Thanks Kerala. The safeguarding was carried out by caffcass so I don't have social worker myself. havnt been in touch with caffcass since the end of the court case.
I'm not a professional or anyone with experience in this but I would not be happy if I left ds with anyone and he came back with burns in his coat
I would talk to hv or other professional
Cogitosum thank you for your reassurance I was starting to doubt my own mothering instincts when I got my 1st bunch of replies. To me I class burns on my dds coat a very concerning thing.
Will definitely get in touch with a professional today.
well, you could take them to the GP to ask whether there would be any other effects that could have harmed them, like smoke inhalation?
show the coat to your hv or GP and ask her advice.
You could also contact SS for advice on this matter..At least it will be documented.
considering this is second incident with fire and history I would be concerned.
I am afraid the right of the children to see there father has gone to far IMO and safety as well as well being of the child is been overlooked.
However I think some of the comments are about how the courts will look at you as blocking contact rather than trying to protect your child
I agree that u should be worried and try speaking to ss or a hv, I know accidents happen but to point blank refuse to co-operate for ur kids sake is stupid. Has everyone just completely by passed the fact he's on cannabis? If my oh ever touched drugs again (he used to be very bad just before we met) despite a ten year relationship and 4 kids he'd be out and wouldn't be seeing the kids.
If my 3 year old had burns on her coat I would expect to know why. To those who said you can't watch your children all the time, you do when it is a 3 year old near something that could burn them. It sounds like she had a lucky escape and I think you are right in stopping contact. I say all this from the background of being very laid back and believing both parents should have contact whenever possible.
This is terrible parenting from him.
Thank you everyone for your helpful advice and support. It's good to here other peoples views from different perspectives. I contacted hmv and she was extremely supportive and sympathetic. She explained her next port of call would be ss so suggested I ask cafcass for some advice. Cafcass couldn't help as the court proceedings have now ended. To be honest they didn't sound like they gave a damm.
Dcs are due to go to weekend contact tomorrow and I am still no further on with finding out what happened. My exp just refuses to discuss it. Maybe I might have to resort to ss. Am just scared this is going to spiral. :-(
You need to speak to your HV today and tell her what Cafcass said.
cafcass wont be involved as it s now over in terms of the court process. so you either report to SS and let them start some kind of investigation or take it back to court.
if you feel they at risk in his care you have to take action . if you want to give it a go and see what "evidence" they come back with this weekend that is your call too. you might then have to explain to a judge why you took that decision. are they happy and excited to go to see dad?
Could you tell your ex that you will need to go to SS if he doesn't explain what happened? Would that be enough of a wake up call for him to see this is serious, or is it more likely to make him lie/try to cover up something?
Make sure you photograph the coat OP.
Please login first.